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Bridge Burners! Eco-John Turner! Dirty Earners!

And more Fast Rewind of January.

By Mark Leiren-Young 3 Feb 2009 | TheTyee.ca

Mark Leiren-Young is a Vancouver screenwriter, playwright and journalist, and files his "Fast Rewind" summary of the news for The Tyee at the end of every month. His podcast interviews with notables about "Trees and Us" also appear on The Tyee.

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Mats Messier?

This was the month that Douglas Coupland's "city of glass" became William Gibson's wasteland, as Olympic debts piled higher than the snowflakes and the homeless burned down the Pattulllo Bridge to stay warm.

Steve Harper delivered a budget the Liberals won't vote against, but any true Conservatives would. The Coalition failed to coalesce. And Iggy didn't pop, but Layton blew his cork.

The BC Liberals held an emergency session to bail out the Olympics and to ask for details on former Montreal mayor Jean Drapeau's pregnancy.

BC NDP leader Carole James had her ID stolen and wasn't allowed to fly because, um, nobody recognized her since she won't carry an American Express card.

Vancouver is on "credit watch" after Mayor Smoothie discovered Olympic Village cost overruns couldn't all be covered with James' stolen Visa card.

Barack Obama was inaugurated as president of the United States. Inauguration parties are expected to wind down sometime in March. As his first official acts, Obama set out to close down Guantanamo, and keep his BlackBerry open.

Obama plans to visit Ottawa and meet Prime Minister Steve later this month. This will be the new president's first official visit to a world leader since teaming up with the Amazing Spider-Man in issue 583.

Benjamin Button sewed up the most Oscar noms and it was a dark day for the Dark Knight.

The Super Bowl featured Bruce Springsteen versus Jennifer Hudson.

And Mats Sundin joined the Canucks and promptly began playing like Mats Messier. Too soon?

Now let's put down our snow shovels and remember the worst of January before you get back to figuring out the 25 random facts you want to share on Facebook.

The Fantastic Four?

Four Ex-prime ministers (the four who collectively served for about an hour and a half) joined forces to urge the ReformaTories to introduce a "green stimulus" to help the economy and to remind people that their memoirs are still available in better bargain bins everywhere. And the Jeopardy question is: "Who are John Turner, Joe Clark, Paul Martin Jr. and Kim Campbell."

A security expert has urged the BC Ferry Corp. to start staffing the boats with armed guards. The guards may not help against terrorists, but they should definitely be able to convince drivers to park a lot closer to the car in front of them.

Macho Mike Millbury

Hockey Night in Canada colour commentator Mike Millbury proved his colour wasn't pink as he out-cherryed Don Cherry by complaining about the "pansification" of the NHL. I guess that means it would be bad form to make a crack about the pansification of the Canucks?

Cold-fX was named an official sponsor of the 2010 Olympics, which is a good thing since so many British Columbians are already sick of Olympic news, Olympic-related traffic jams and the gold-medal-winning debt.

One of Canada's top TV bosses announced he doesn't watch TV. Asked: "What are your favourite television programs?" CRTC vice-chairman in charge of broadcasting Michael Arpin replied: "I'm a news and documentary consumer. I'm not that interested in televised action or even feature films. I would prefer to read a novel." Arpin is apparently campaigning to become the new head of the CBC.

Barack and the Supremes

The U.S. Supreme Court tried to keep another elected Democrat from becoming president instead of George Bush, when the chief justice had Barack Obama recite an incorrect oath of office. Democrats became suspicious when Obama was asked to repeat the words, "In brightest day, in blackest night, no evil shall escape my sight." Fortunately, Obama caught the error and was sworn in correctly when he recited the words, "With great power comes great responsibility."

To herald a new era of U.S.-Canada relations, CBC created a musical playlist for new President Barack Obama, which was way cooler than the mix tape they made for George Bush.

Caroline Kennedy withdrew from the race to replace Hillary Clinton as the senator for New York citing "personal reasons." Apparently the reasons were that she personally came off as the Democrat's answer to Sarah Palin.

Blunder road

Bruce Springsteen's new album is only on sale at Wal-Mart, because with the current economy it's the only place most Americans can afford to shop.

And finally... a new study in the United Kingdom shows that one in three workers watch porn in the office. In a related study, one in three porn stars watch The Office while having sex.

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