Young, and Sterile by Choice

"I'm pregnant." There is a place in the male nervous system reserved for these two words, and it's just taken a direct hit. Your smile dries up and cracks. Your heart thumps one last time, then withers. Everything goes cold. Your life has officially ended. Your life. Not the life you and the Pregnant One can share, but your happily selfish, self-sufficient life of ronin-like wandering and orgiastic debauchery. Sorry, Bacchus, your nymphs have gone home.

For some guys, like my 24-year-old pal David, just the possibility of fatherhood is daunting. A true Man of Action, David took the bull by the, um, balls last year by undergoing vasectomy surgery to ensure that he would never share the grisly fate of so many before him.

Good work, Davey-boy! Chalk one up for the blue team!

As early as age 20, David knew that he wanted a vasectomy. He visited his family physician, who told him that he was too young, and that no urologist would perform the surgery for fear of being taken to court later. Unwilling to take David seriously, his doctor even refused to recommend him to a urologist.

Was David doomed to be a loose canon for life? Choosing monogamy over promiscuity, he's always stuck to serious relationships. "I've known each of my mates long before I've slept with any of them; there's enough trust that there's been no question of diseases." Therefore, accidental pregnancy was the only barrier in his sex life. He put up with the thought for another three years, before fear and loathing of birth control and condoms proved to be just too much for him.

"I went back to my doctor and said, 'It's been three years and I still want this procedure done.' I gave him my reasons. If I were to accidentally impregnate someone, everything I wanted to do in my life would be put on hold for 20 years. I'm not parent material; I don't have a lot of patience for kids. I've always been frustrated and annoyed by children."

Taking care of business

His doctor, though still not completely convinced, set up an appointment with a urologist, Dr. William Nielsen. A urologist deals in problems of the male and female urinary tract and the male reproductive organs. Dr. Nielsen listened to David, but, due to his age, gave him a six-month wait period just to make sure he really wanted the operation (sort of like the cooling-off period involved in buying a gun, only about five and a half months longer).

On November 13, 2003, David finally took care of business. The procedure took only 20 minutes. David put on a gown, lay down on the table, and Dr. Nielsen jabbed a needle into his scrotum. David was allowed to prop himself on his elbows and watch the whole thing from start to finish.

"It didn't hurt at all. He made a centimetre-long incision on one side of my scrotum and pulled the vas deferens [the tube responsible for transferring sperm] out through the hole. He cut a section out of the middle, tied each end shut and stuffed the tubes back in. He did the same thing on the other side, and that was it. It was like watching the surgery channel."

What not to do next

Complications ensued, but they were David's fault. He was told to avoid ejaculation or strenuous physical activity for at least a week.

"Exactly one week after the surgery, I lifted a pretty heavy box at work. When it came in contact with my body, I felt, like, a 'pop' in my crotch. I had definitely done something, but it didn't hurt at the time. Then that night I jerked off. It sucked because all I could think about was what that first orgasm was going to be like: was it going to hurt, was it going to feel different, would there be a noticeable decrease in quantity or quality? I was getting really anxious. But when I finally did orgasm, it looked and felt just like normal! I was ecstatic."

This all took place on a Wednesday. Over the next two days, the right side of David's scrotum became extremely swollen and painful. It hurt when he walked; it hurt when he sat down. It ached all night while he tried to sleep. By Friday, the pain was excruciating.

David skipped work on Saturday and called his urologist. Dr. Nielsen told him it was internal bleeding. When the body is healing it's more susceptible to damage, and David's balls were no exception. "It was like there was a pen shoved in there. It was really hard. I didn't realize internal bleeding was like that. It was the most painful thing I've ever been through. I'm against taking medication, so I had no choice but to tough it out."

By Monday, the swelling had gone down. Dr. Nielsen assured him that he wasn't in any danger, pointing out that internal bleeding was listed on the sheet of common complications related to the operation. Another popular complication is called "sperm granuloma"; leakage from the testicular cut end of the vas causes a temporary small lump in the scrotum.

No going back?

Urologists are also sure to inform patients about reversal surgery. The usual procedure is called a vasovasostomy, in which the tubes are sewn back together using microsurgery. "The sooner the better" is the golden rule of reversals, as the chances of success decrease as time passes. Within three years, the success rate is about 70 per cent; five years, 50 per cent. There is always some chance that reversal surgery will work, but it gets slimmer and slimmer over the years.

One patient, who had been pressured into getting a vasectomy, had the operation reversed by Nielsen within a week, claiming he was in unbearable pain. Nielsen decided the reaction was largely mental. "This guy was hesitant from the start, so when he had it done his brain was telling him that he was in agony, even though there was physically nothing wrong with him," said David.

David, of course, had no hesitation at the time of surgery, but how does he feel one year later? For that matter, how will he feel 10 years later? If one day he decides that he wants to have children, is he going to wish he never had the surgery?

"Absolutely not. If I want a child I'll adopt one, preferably a two- or three-year-old. You know, one that can actually speak, that's been house-trained, so that it's a bit more tolerable to have the thing in my presence."

'I feel superior'

"Since I've had it done, my sex life has improved dramatically. I love sex even more than I did before, I don't have any worries whatsoever." David had his sperm count tested three months after the surgery and it came up an absolute zero. To him, the whole process was well worth any of the complications. In fact, if he had been more careful with that box, and with his hands, there wouldn't have been any problems at all.

"I fuck with impunity. I feel like a machine that's had an upgrade. I feel like a car that's gone through a major overhaul. Say you've got your stock tires, then you go out and buy the really stupid-expensive ones that give you better traction, all weather, that sort of thing. That's what it feels like. I feel superior to guys who still might accidentally knock someone up and fuck up their life."

Well, men, there you have it. Spoken like a true champion, a real defender of the faith. My only concern is that six-month waiting period. Who wants to waste all that time? Give me an ice-cube, a paring knife, and some fishing line. I can spare 20 minutes.

Related links:

• Vasectomy-Information.com
• Vasectomy Humour
• My Vasectomy in Pictures

Chris Bowman received a BA in creative writing and English from Malaspina University, and is currently completing a masters in fiction at Griffith University in Australia.

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• The Private Lives of Men
• Fear of Parenting
• Lock-Up: Chastity Belts Are on the 'Incline'