Please Advise! Why Are Canadians Getting So Much Sadder?

[Editor’s note: Steve Burgess is an accredited spin doctor with a PhD in Centrifugal Rhetoric from the University of SASE, situated on the lovely campus of PO Box 7650, Cayman Islands. In this space he dispenses PR advice to politicians, the rich and famous, the troubled and well-heeled, the wealthy and gullible.]

Dear Dr. Steve,

The 2026 world happiness index has just been released. Finland ranks first. Canada has fallen all the way down to No. 25. Even the U.S. is ranked higher, at No. 23.

What’s wrong with us?

Signed,

Red, White, and blue

Dear RWB,

The Americans are happier than us? Really? Maybe they’re all drunk. Could you blame them?

Or could the key to happiness be invasions? It’s always good to keep busy. Maybe you can just zip into a country in the dead of night and kidnap their happiness. Denmark is ranked No. 3 on the happiness index — Donald Trump surely wants a big Greenland-sized piece of that sweet, sticky Danish joy. Canada should try the same approach. We’ll invade Finland. Steal their mojo.

But Canada has slipped a long way in the world happiness rankings. In 2015 we ranked fifth. Now we’re not even going to make the happy playoffs. We’ll be lucky to get a jolly draft pick. What has changed? In 2014 our men’s and women’s teams won Olympic hockey gold. Now the Americans have all the gold, and the Oval Office is caked with the stuff. That must be it. Gold means happiness.

But wait. Perhaps happiness is about more than gold. Happiness is a quest. Humphrey Bogart called it “the stuff that dreams are made of.” Now, Bogart was speaking specifically about the Maltese Falcon, the prize Sydney Greenstreet and Peter Lorre were chasing all through that classic movie.

But we understand now how misguided they were. Happiness is not a jewelled falcon from Malta. It’s a jewelled cat, and it’s from Saudi Arabia. That’s why the happiest person in Canada must be Danielle Smith.

Last week Alberta NDP Leader Naheed Nenshi stood up in the provincial legislature to decry Smith’s recent all-expenses-paid jaunt to Saudi Arabia, for which the premier did not provide receipts.

Smith had also apparently been given “a golden cat” by the Saudis, said Nenshi.

“It would be, if true, the largest kickback that any Canadian politician in history has ever received,” he said.

Former United Conservative Party member turned Alberta separatist leader Cameron Davies took to X to confirm the existence of the fabulous feline. “I have personally seen this golden cat,” he posted. “It exists. It about [sic] 10-12” tall. Came in a pretty cool black carry box, red silk lined and has a few gemstones on the base and a plaque with the Saudi princes name on it too.”

Pets make you happy. Everybody knows that. But if your cat is not golden and jewel-encrusted, you may not be getting the dose of pet-sourced happiness you deserve. A Siamese cat is nice but a Saudi cat — wow. Imagine a litter box full of 24-karat nuggets. You should upgrade.

Canada’s slide into unhappiness is being blamed on social media use, which makes some sense. Mental health experts say we should get away from our screens and become more active. That could be why Conservative Leader Pierre Poilievre showed up at Joe Rogan’s podcast studio last week with a kettle-bell weight emblazoned with a Canadian flag. During a two-hour episode of The Joe Rogan Experience, the two men talked a lot about exercise, which has been known to increase levels of serotonin and, in some cases, to prompt calls for the invasion of Canada and inspire decisions to take ivermectin, pal around with antisemites and endorse Donald Trump. Or perhaps that’s just Rogan.

Poilievre declined an invitation to go on Rogan’s podcast during the last federal election campaign, which led Rogan to call him a “dumbass.”

Hurtful. But many spiritual leaders say that forgiveness is a path to happiness. And Poilievre clearly forgave Rogan for the insult. Now the two men are gym buddies. They are lift bros, and perhaps we will all be lifted up right along with them.

A lift in Poilievre’s polls might prove more difficult. But that’s not really important, is it? True happiness does not come from public acclaim. It comes from inside. Possibly inside the living room, on the mantelpiece, just beside the autographed photo of RFK Jr. — about 10 to 12 inches high, shaped like a cat. You can't miss it.