Please Advise! Do We Say Sorry for Sending Smoke to the US?

[Editor’s note: Steve Burgess is an accredited spin doctor with a PhD in Centrifugal Rhetoric from the University of SASE, situated on the lovely campus of PO Box 7650, Cayman Islands. In this space he dispenses PR advice to politicians, the rich and famous, the troubled and well-heeled, the wealthy and gullible.]

Dear Dr. Steve,

Six Republican legislators from Wisconsin and Minnesota have filed a complaint with the Canadian ambassador to the United States about wildfire smoke coming over the border from the north. Their letter reads in part: “As we are entering the height of the fire season, we would like to know how your government plans on mitigating wildfires and the smoke that makes its way south.”

My neighbors and I — yes, that's the proper spelling — heartily endorse this protest. As Americans, we do not appreciate these unauthorized imports. We thought you Canadians were more considerate than this.

Signed,

Miffed in Madison

Dear MM,

Oh dear. All that new money budgeted for Immigration and Customs Enforcement and they still can't keep the nasty foreign element out of the country. At least now we understand why ICE goons are always wearing those masks.

Let us just say: Sorry. True, Canadians say “Sorry” like Australians say “G'day,” or Americans say “That was a warning shot — you have five seconds to get off my lawn,” but anyway: Sorry. Wildfire smoke is indeed a terrible annoyance. And since it is Canadian smoke it probably smells like a burning warehouse of Export A's. Again, sorry.

On the other hand, perhaps you should be pleased. With all the cancelled tourist flights, it must be nice to know at least there's something in the air and heading south.

Politeness notwithstanding, we Canadians have some gripes of our own. Your beloved president loves the word “reciprocal,” and it certainly applies. If there is an obnoxious airborne element drifting south, well, that is most definitely a two-way street. Over the years Canadians have endured a great deal of cross-border effluvia from the United States. Remember Here Comes Honey Boo Boo? The Brady Bunch Variety Hour? And let's not even mention the Fox Sports glowing puck. When it comes to nasty atmospheric content, Canada has a massive trade deficit.

These cultural pollutants are avoidable, at least. Other clouds of miasma are harder to avoid. Even if you try to change the channel, Donald Trump is still there, and a great deal of his idiocy has been leaking over the 49th parallel. His fumes circle the Earth. Like flatulence in an elevator, Trump is inescapable. And as smelly and unhealthy as wildfire smoke can be, breathing it in will not transform you into a hateful ignoramus incapable of empathy or basic human decency. Toxic Trump vapour, by contrast, seems to corrode the soul. No special weather statements warn of its effects. But they are real, and scientifically measurable on comment threads and bumper stickers.

Finally, it should be noted that any complaints from Americans about wildfire smoke should perhaps be directed at a mirror. Climate change is a global issue, and Canadians, alas, contribute more than our share of emissions per capita. But in this, as in so many economic categories, our output is dwarfed by that of our powerhouse neighbour.

The amount of greenhouse gas emissions the United States produces, combined with the amount of denial and misinformation produced by Republicans and their media lackeys, means that any climate-related finger pointing by Americans requires a Texas-sized load of chutzpah. For U.S. lawmakers to complain to their northern neighbours — yes, that's the spelling — about wildfire smoke is a bit like shooting someone and complaining because they got blood on your shirt.

Regardless, we in Canada are doing our very best to control the wildfires responsible for the smoke you Americans dislike so much. We hate it too. Our two nations should really work together on this. What's that George R.R. Martin book series called — A Song of Ice and Fire? Perfect. Send us some of those ICE dudes. Maybe they can do something useful for change.