Please Advise! Which Politicians Have Futures Pitching Products?

[Editor’s note: Steve Burgess is an accredited spin doctor with a PhD in Centrifugal Rhetoric from the University of SASE, situated on the lovely campus of PO Box 7650, Cayman Islands. In this space he dispenses PR advice to politicians, the rich and famous, the troubled and well-heeled, the wealthy and gullible.]

Dear Dr. Steve,

South Dakota Gov. Kristi Noem recently offered up a lengthy and glowing testimonial for a Texas cosmetic dentistry facility. It led people to ask whether Noem was in fact doing a paid endorsement for the business and, if so, what the ethics of such a transaction by a sitting governor would be. Noem is now being sued by a consumer advocacy group over the issue.

Is such political shilling acceptable? And who do you think might do endorsements in Canada?

Signed,

C. Emptor

Dear CE,

Dr. Steve has long struggled with the logic of celebrity endorsements. Yes, Ed Sheeran’s Heinz ad is charming. It does a fine job of selling Ed Sheeran. But if one was not previously inclined to put ketchup on steak or eggs or (Dr. Steve is reliably informed this is a thing) pizza, could Sheeran change your mind? Would you scarf down a Big Mac to gain the approval of Cardi B? What if Beyoncé threw a Pepsi off a bridge?

Anyway, that Budweiser Clydesdale has long since left the barn. It is now well established that the ability to carry a tune while wearing spangly clothes and executing complex stage choreography is what signifies a true expert in skin care and/or connoisseur of ranch-flavoured Doritos. Celebrity endorsements work.

But politicians? Surely they are supposed to represent the people, not prostitute the dignity of their offices to plug Botox or veneers or vinyl siding. Then again, the Republican presidential candidate for 2024 is currently selling cheesy gilded sneakers, overpriced trading cards and, quite possibly, nuclear launch codes. So the precedent has been set.

In America, at least. Will the new wave of political plugs spread north? Here are some possible endorsements on both sides of the border:

Justin Trudeau for Gorilla Glue

Looking for something with a strong grip, something that holds fast and never lets go? Never, ever lets go, come rain, come snow, come polls that show you trailing psoriasis and ringworm? Gorilla Glue: You’ll take this job out of my cold, gluey hands. So stick it.

Chrystia Freeland for Nike

The deputy prime minister must be thinking about shoes these days. She is surely waiting for the other shoe to drop. She has big shoes to fill. And most of all she is ready to run, which first requires that she put a boot into a certain someone’s stubborn ass. Kick butt with Chrystia Freeland’s new hobnailed Nikes. (Availability TBA — advance orders only.)

Pierre Poilievre for Pillsbury Flaky Apple Turnovers

Apples have been part of Poilievre’s brand ever since his apple-munching antics in the Okanagan. But which apple-based product to push? Too bad Calona Double Jack is no longer on the market. Cousin to the esteemed vintner’s Apple Jack variety, Double Jack was 20 per cent alcohol by volume and had the power to make you obnoxious, mean and, ultimately, wretched. Like a jug of losing.

Alas, Calona Double Jack lubricates teenage bush parties no more. So perhaps apple turnovers are the appropriate product for that Spartan-munching martinet who hopes to turn over the federal government. Plus crypto, of course. Premier David Eby would likely suggest baloney as a natural product for a Poilievre endorsement. Or how about Pierre “the Rock” Poilievre’s Mega-Boost Hard Cider Supplements? Own the libs, own the beach!

Jagmeet Singh for Poligrip

Mr. Dental Program plugs a product to help keep those choppers in place, able to put some bite into policy proposals. Because the last thing Singh wants come the next election is to end up completely toothless.

Danielle Smith for Valvoline

Motor oil — not just for vehicles anymore, friends. Try it on ice cream, or add that umami to soups and stews. In fact the Smith government will soon be banning HP and soy sauce from Alberta restaurants and requiring cans of Valvoline on every table. Any establishment caught with a windmill, a solar panel or a bottle of Frank’s hot sauce will face major penalties. Valvoline — the taste of freedom!

Kevin Falcon for Secret Antiperspirant

The ad could go something like: “Hi, I’m Kevin Falcon, leader of BC United. Unlike Premier Eby, I have a plan to fix our cost-of-living crisis. What’s the plan? Secret! Just like Secret Antiperspirant, which provides 24-hour protection...”

Sonia Furstenau and Adam Olsen for Doublemint Gum

Those of a certain age will recall the Doublemint Twins. Double your pleasure, double your fun with Doublemint Gum, in a shiny green package. Likewise, the BC Green caucus also comes in a handy pocket size.

Republicans for Mephistopheles

Republicans at every level have sold their souls, and you can too! Take advantage of this unlimited-time offer to betray every principle, every scruple, every scrap of dignity just to hang on to your own squalid little political fiefdom.

Donald Trump is not Mephistopheles in this operation — that would likely be Vladimir Putin. Trump is just a regional sales manager. The irony is that Trump, Mr. Art of the Deal, could never play the title role in Faust. He has nothing to sell.