Please Advise! How Weird Will the Greenbelt Scandal Get?

[Editor’s note: Steve Burgess is an accredited spin doctor with a PhD in Centrifugal Rhetoric from the University of SASE, situated on the lovely campus of PO Box 7650, Cayman Islands. In this space he dispenses PR advice to politicians, the rich and famous, the troubled and well-heeled, the wealthy and gullible.]

Dear Dr. Steve,

The Greenbelt controversy rages on in Ontario. Now provincial housing minister Steve Clark has resigned. Is there more to come?

Signed,

Kitchener Waterloo

Dear Waterloo,

What is a scandal, really? Disturbing allegations, damning facts, sweetheart deals, corruption, sketchy behaviour, perhaps a little moral turpitude — these are the elements of scandal.

But what if corruption happens in a forest and no one hears about it? Ultimately a scandal gains life through exposure. And like a bestselling book or a hit movie, it has to have memorable characters. Even if they’re in fringe parts, like Phoenix Kiss.

The ongoing saga of how Doug Ford’s government allegedly carved out protected green space intending to parcel it out to insiders has been the subject of reports from provincial auditor general Bonnie Lysyk and integrity commissioner J. David Wake.

Along the way it has been picking up new characters, among them the aforementioned Kiss. To be clear, he has not been identified as having any role in the Greenbelt controversy. Kiss came to light in connection with another figure, the mysterious Mr. X.

Mr. X (no known relation to Elon Musk, so far anyway) was cited as an unregistered lobbyist in a report by integrity commissioner Wake. (Let us briefly bow our heads here for the thankless task of an Ontario integrity commissioner. You’d have an easier time promoting the salad menu at Mar-a-Lago.)

The Toronto Star identified Mr. X as John Mutton, the former mayor of Clarington, a town east of Toronto. He runs a consulting firm called Municipal Solutions.

The firm’s staff includes finance director Phoenix Kiss, aka “The Fixer,” according to his profile on the company website. He’s described as “an innovative, creative, knowledgeable, detail-oriented professional that has for two decades been producing exemplary results in consumer and corporate financial advisory.”

He’s not implicated in the lobbying efforts or the greenbelt scandal. In fact, aside from the company website, Kiss apparently doesn’t exist online, despite two decades “of producing exemplary results.”

But like the Fonz on Happy Days, Phoenix Kiss is a scene-stealer, at least on social media. He simply has too much star quality. The name, to begin with.

But oh, that look — the Phoenix Kiss look.

Who’s gonna move merch? Can you sell hoodies featuring disgraced former housing minister Steve Clark? Ex-chief-of-staff Ryan Amato backpacks and lunch boxes? Please. The public demands Phoenix Kiss accessories. And what plumage this magnificent bird displays. You want the three-piece suit with pocket square and starched white shirt, the big ring, the prop cigar, shaved head.

There have been lots of wannabe gangster descriptions floating around for Phoenix Kiss based on that one photo, but Dr. Steve believes it is more accurate to cite the world of comic books. Check out Spider-Man villain Kingpin — the resemblance is striking. There’s a Lex Luthor vibe there as well. Or perhaps it’s more of a Dr. Evil thing. Needs a cat.

Mr. Kiss, as the New York Times would call him (recall they once referred to Meat Loaf as “Mr. Loaf”), has not even been mentioned in passing as part of the greenbelt scandal.

But his odd photo and “The Fixer” claim have attracted a lot of attention. If you’re a Hollywood executive deciding whether to greenlight a Greenbelt series, it’s Phoenix Kiss who really sells it.

There’s plenty to sell, too. The whole affair looks skeezy as hell. These developers seem like people who might list the Burning Man site for sale as waterfront property.

According to Wake’s report, John “Mr. X” Mutton had a contract that would guarantee him a $1-million payout if a particular property was successfully removed from the Greenbelt and rezoned. That’s illegal for an Ontario lobbyist. But no worries — Mutton wasn’t actually registered as a lobbyist. It’s what a lawyer might call the X-emption. Let’s say you’re driving down the wrong side of the highway with your lights off, watching YouTube videos on your phone, when the cops pull you over. Are you in trouble? Hell no. Just tell them you don’t have a driver’s licence. So you’re not really a driver, right? The rules don’t apply. Have a great evening, officer.

Mr. X, aka Mutton, has been in the spotlight lately. And certain people are probably wishing they weren’t sharing the stage. Twitter — sorry, they call it X now — has plenty of Mr. X portraits including more than one with Premier Doug Ford and at least one with a grinning Pierre Poilievre.

There were also photos of Mr. X with Clark. Prophetic, since Clark is now an ex-housing minister. He’s become another notch on the Greenbelt.