Please Advise! How Should I Dress for the Public Pool?

[Editor’s note: Steve Burgess is an accredited spin doctor with a PhD in Centrifugal Rhetoric from the University of SASE, situated on the lovely campus of PO Box 7650, Cayman Islands. In this space he dispenses PR advice to politicians, the rich and famous, the troubled and well-heeled, the wealthy and gullible.]

Dear Dr. Steve,

Summer is officially here and the pools are open, even Kits.

Are there rules about what we can wear at the civic pools?

Signed,

Shorty

Dear Shorty,

There are indeed rules for poolside attire, recently updated by city council.

The city's list of forbidden clothing and accessories includes: “Items designed for sexual/intimate purposes.”

So, to avoid awkward conversations with the lifeguard, make sure your pool noodle doesn’t take batteries. And remember, handcuffs are not pool-safe.

A staff report also says proper pool attire includes “maintaining full and appropriate coverage of genitals.”

In other words, make sure all your beach balls are the inflatable kind. (Whether your Speedo qualifies as “appropriate coverage” is between you and your conscience.) Alternatively, if another pool visitor demands to see your genitals for the purposes of gender identification, resist the urge to examine their genitals with your boot, and perhaps restrict yourself to noting the similarities between their own genitals and their personality type.

The city may have its official regulations, but Dr. Steve knows some unofficial guidelines as well. Here are a few unstated rules to follow when attending our civic swimming pools.

Parkas

Not ideal swimwear. They get soggy and water-logged. But do keep one poolside. Yes, we have had some hot spells in recent years but still — it's June in B.C. There was snow on the Coquihalla last weekend.

Fur

Generally, fur is not acceptable. However there are exemptions for certain quadruped residents and visitors. Fur swimwear should be firmly attached and come with claws, snout or both.

Tattoos

In Japan, many public pools and hot springs forbid the display of tattoos. Although there are no official rules in Vancouver, unofficially, you should have several. Press-on tattoos are an emergency solution but make sure they are waterproof. It can be embarrassing explaining why your bicep reads: “No egrets.”

Cycling gear

Cycling gear is not acceptable in a Vancouver public pool. Nor are bicycles, under the current administration. Ken Sim and Vancouver city council want you to arrive at the pool via internal combustion engines, as God intended. Gas-powered inflatables are a bonus.

Oxygen tanks

There is no need for an oxygen tank in a public swimming pool. That's for walking down the street when the wildfire smoke rolls in.

Oliver Ekman-Larsson jersey

So last year.

Classified documents

Storing top-secret documents in the bathroom was bad; keeping them in the shower was worse. A swimming pool would seem to be the next logical step. And it’s a place the FBI would never think to check. Could be a genius move, actually.

Sharks

Mechanical, actual, Great White, mediocre beige, mutant, demonic and sharknado varieties are all strictly prohibited. If however you do see a shark while swimming in a public pool, remember, many shark populations are seriously endangered. Your generous donation of a foot, arm or kidney is greatly appreciated.

Mattress/fridge/stove

No. When the pool closes, you must seek reasonably priced accommodations elsewhere.