Please Advise! What’s Afoot with Surrey Policing?

[Editor’s note: Steve Burgess is an accredited spin doctor with a PhD in Centrifugal Rhetoric from the University of SASE, situated on the lovely campus of PO Box 7650, Cayman Islands. In this space he dispenses PR advice to politicians, the rich and famous, the troubled and well-heeled, the wealthy and gullible.]

Dear Dr. Steve,

The BC NDP government has finally made a recommendation for the Surrey police situation. Public Safety Minister Mike Farnworth says the transition from the RCMP to a local Surrey force should continue, despite opposition from Surrey Mayor Brenda Locke who campaigned on scrapping the planned municipal force.

How will it all play out, Dr. Steve?

Signed,

Cop Out

Dear Cop,

Ciao from Italy, ciao ciao. (Italians always have to get in the last “ciao.”) Spin doctor Steve is currently visiting the land of Niccolo Machiavelli, spiritual guide to our profession. The Italians also gave us the word “fiasco,” but it took the politicians of Surrey to perfect the term. It is hard to imagine what the author of The Prince would say about the Surrey police imbroglio. Dr. Steve suspects Machiavelli would have taken one look at this mess and opted instead to write a comprehensive guide to raising goats. As a demonstration of professional public management, this situation may well lead to a surge of interest in truck driving, plumbing and shoe repair. Anything but politics, really.

To recap: Former Surrey mayor Doug McCallum launched his pet project, a municipal Surrey police force to replace the RCMP. (Not counting his canal proposal and the huge sports complex — people can have all kinds of pets, like dogs and cats and goldfish and 60,000 seat stadiums). The debate was lively and involved petitions, automobiles, toes and CCTV cameras. After an incident in a Surrey supermarket parking lot the RCMP, already involved as bystanders, got directly involved investigating whether the mayor had been a bystander or a speed bump.

The Surrey police project was well underway by the time McCallum lost the civic election to Locke, who campaigned specifically on a pledge to reverse course and keep the RCMP. The new Surrey police force, she pointed out, was tremendously expensive. Undoing the work and returning to RCMP jurisdiction, others noted, was no bargain either. Opposing financial figures were then thrown about like oranges at the northern Italian Carnival of Ivrea, where every year people pelt each other with citrus fruit to celebrate the defeat of tyranny. Don't ask why. We've got plenty weirdness of our own.

The B.C. government was asked to weigh in. Oh what fun, Farnworth surely thought. It brings to mind popular conundrums such as: Would you rather be attacked by a horse-sized duck or 1,000 duck-sized horses? Would you like to wear a hat made from an angry ferret or drink a bottle of live bees? Here is a red-hot poker, Mike — which eye would you prefer?

Frying pan or fire? Devil or deep blue sea? Farnworth undoubtedly chose one of them. Noting that $100 million has already been spent on creating the municipal force, Farnworth advised Surrey to proceed with it. And thus it came to pass that the sacrifice of Doug McCallum's foot was not in vain.

Or so it seems. The provincial government's decision is not binding, though it does come with an offer of financial support. Locke, having made this her issue, is about as likely to back down as Kim Jong-un is likely to call for more press conferences and a nuclear freeze. When Farnworth pointed out that a return to the RCMP would exacerbate provincewide staffing problems at the force, Locke replied that the rest of the province is “not her problem.”

Mayor — it's a sweet gig. Sucks to be Farnworth.

Currently believed to be occupying a corner suite at the Christy Clark Home for Defeated Politicians, McCallum reacted to Farnworth’s decision with a statement: “With the ongoing RCMP vacancy challenges, it is clear that a municipal police force is the best way to ensure public safety in our community.”

McCallum's foot did not comment. Presumably it stands by the statement.