Please Advise! Is BC Really Aiming to Be Canada’s Cocaine Capital?

[Editor’s note: Steve Burgess is an accredited spin doctor with a PhD in Centrifugal Rhetoric from the University of SASE, situated on the lovely campus of PO Box 7650, Cayman Islands. In this space he dispenses PR advice to politicians, the rich and famous, the troubled and well-heeled, the wealthy and gullible.]

Last week a Langley company called Adastra Holding announced it had been granted Health Canada approval "to include cocaine as a substance that the company can legally possess, produce, sell and distribute.” British Columbia Premier David Eby said he was “astonished” at this news. Prime Minister Justin Trudeau expressed his shock as well. Adastra later clarified that in fact it was only authorized to produce 250 grams of cocaine this year for research and medical purposes, not commercial sale.

How did this mistake happen?

Signed,

Nosey

Dear Nosey,

Mistake what do you mean mistake it seemed like a great idea at the time a fantastic idea oh man this is going to be so great we're going to be rich and we can buy yachts and hang with Bezos hey do you ever think about Frank Sinatra I used to hate him but then I got a little older and you know what would be great is a punk band doing Sinatra hits and he hated the Beatles I think Ringo was the true genius of that band no listen hear me out...

Sorry, where were we? Dr. Steve went a little off track there. Cocaine. Right. Legal coke for sale in B.C. Not happening. Not yet, anyway.

The possibilities seemed intriguing though. Nordstrom is closing and a lot of people are wondering what sort of retail business could manage to fill that prime location. Dr. Steve could see a whole floor just dedicated to little spoons. Edibles are popular so how about little white Gummi bears? You can see where this is going — merchandise tie-ins galore. Going to see Cocaine Bear II: Coke Bear Boogaloo? Would you like butter on that or perhaps a little powdered sprinkle of Popcorn Plus?

Consider too how many jurisdictions compete to attract film productions. Well, you can keep your sad little tax breaks, Ontario and Alberta. With this new B.C. retail strategy in place they'd uproot the Hollywood sign and replant it on Grouse Mountain.

This Adastra announcement was a misfire however, and certainly a serious PR debacle in the making for both levels of government. The fact that the prime minister weighed in so quickly indicates that it was no laughing matter. Dr. Steve guesses there were CSIS reports indicating Donald Trump Jr. was already halfway to the B.C. border. Emergency action was needed.

You might say someone blew it. Unless of course you opt for the more cynical theory that Adastra was crazy like a fox. The company's share price surged after its announcement — rather like a temporary surge of energy caused by an artificial stimulant.

But even if this particular episode was a misfire, the legal sale of drugs like cocaine is certainly an idea B.C. has to discuss. And discuss. And wow how's this for an idea Build-a-Cocaine-Bear stores with real cocaine where you can... Sorry. Where were we? Decriminalization. It is now officially in place in B.C., and naturally gives rise to speculation about next steps.

A Victoria company called Sunshine Labs has also been granted a licence to produce cocaine and ecstasy for research purposes. While the company claims it is not involved in promoting safe supply policies, it points out that “an opportunity to purchase certified drugs with known levels of purity and quantity” can help prevent overdose deaths. “While this notion may be difficult for some to accept,” the statement says, “it represents the rational next step.”

So then — how about marketing a new B.C. beverage? Frappuccinos are fine on a hot day but maybe some sort of cold, refreshing, carbonated drink with a kick to it that puts caffeine to shame? You could say “It's the real thing,” and you'd be absolutely right. And you could get those cute polar bears from the old Coke commercials but this time they'd be white for a reason and look out seals here they come and hey how's this for a screenplay Navy SEALs but they're real seals and the sharks have no idea what they're up against and then there's a sea lion but it's a real lion and we get Elton John no no I'm serious hear me out.