Please Advise! Who Was the Worst Person of 2022?

[Editor’s note: Steve Burgess is an accredited spin doctor with a PhD in Centrifugal Rhetoric from the University of SASE, situated on the lovely campus of PO Box 7650, Cayman Islands. In this space he dispenses PR advice to politicians, the rich and famous, the troubled and well-heeled, the wealthy and gullible.]

Dr. Steve began a countdown of 2022's Biggest Bastards in his previous column. Keep in mind that some truly giant bastards, such as former Philippines president Rodrigo Duterte, have left the public stage. They are probably still huge bastards in private life — it just doesn't matter as much.

In this edition we reveal the top finalists:

Greg Abbott

Picking the biggest asshole becomes tough when people are competing for the title. Texas Gov. Greg Abbott is in a battle royale with Florida's Ron DeSantis for Best Performance of Public Cruelty. Abbott made a bold play for the title on Christmas Eve, when busloads of lightly-dressed migrants were dropped off near the Washington, D.C., home of Vice-President Kamala Harris in brutally cold weather. Abbott did not confirm he was responsible but he has pulled the same stunt before and the White House pointed to Abbott as the probable culprit. Or as Abbott would say, star.

But it can get awkward when one is being a performative asshole. The fact that this cruel trick was pulled off on Christmas Eve meant that it did not get as much media attention as one might expect. For ordinary mortals, this would be a good thing — a heinous, heartless act passes largely unnoticed. But for someone like Abbott, heinous and heartless is the game plan. So the genius of scheduling it for Christmas Eve — stranding wanderers in the cold on a night that commemorates two migrants turned away from shelter — ironically limits the coverage of your cruelty. It's just not fair.

There is still hope for Abbott though. Having turned migrants away on Christmas Eve, he can follow up on the Gospel playbook by ordering all firstborn males in the El Paso area to be slaughtered. Should give him a solid bump in the polls.

Ron DeSantis

The Florida governor has somehow managed to top Abbott in the race to the bottom. Picking fights with Disney over their support of gay rights and pulling his own migrant-dumping stunts, DeSantis becomes a bigger bastard just by virtue of being the Republican front-runner for the 2024 presidential nomination. What can you say about a guy who might face off against Donald Trump and you'd have to flip a coin?

Religious Tyrants

It's been inspiring to watch the protests against theocracies in Iran and Afghanistan this year. It would be glib to compare those vicious fundamentalist regimes to the U.S. Supreme Court but it is helpful to remember what happens when religious dogma becomes law.

Hockey Canada

It takes some real effort to turn Canadians off from watching young people play hockey. Hockey Canada managed that feat. Dr. Steve is ready to drop the gloves.

George Santos

The Republican party has seen some liars — the biggest, the best, the most amazing liars. And yet, even in that fiercely competitive bracket, it is possible that George Santos may top them all. Santos is an indefatigable liar, an Energizer Bunny of falsehood. The newly elected GOP congressman from a Queens district may well be the prevaricator of prevaricators, ascending like Macbeth to a Throne of Lies. His resume and even his personal history is a giant Jenga of untruths. This is a guy who more or less ran for Congress on the slogan, “I have a girlfriend in Canada, you haven't met her.” George Santos makes Herschel Walker look like George Washington.

To go through the mendacious menu [deep breath]: He lied about having university degrees. He lied about his bogus Wall Street job resume. He lied about earning millions through a private company. He lied about being a landlord. He lied about where he lived. He lied about being married. He lied about his massive debts. He lied about having employees killed in the Pulse nightclub shooting in Florida. He lied about his mother’s death resulting from the destruction of the World Trade Towers. According to the Times he may have lied about facing charges in Brazil over writing stolen cheques.

Santos described himself as Jewish during his campaign and said his grandparents were Jews who survived the Holocaust, but now says — this is the truth — that he didn't mean “Jewish.” He meant “Jew-ish.” As in, perhaps, Jew-adjacent? Fond of a bagel and schmear? Prone to the occasional philosophical shrug?

“Lyingest Republican” is a tough bracket but this guy might be the champ. Santos would probably lie about how many spleens he has. “Three! Three spleens! No, I never said that. I have eight pancreases, however.”

Santos' lies are Herculean. He's astounding. He's almost admirable. “I didn’t graduate from any institution of higher learning. I’m embarrassed and sorry for having embellished my resumé,” he told the Times, adding: “We do stupid things in life.”

The voters of Queens could tell you that.

Herschel Walker

The GOP inspires. You can be anything you say you are. Get a toy badge and boom, you're a sheriff. Get Trump's endorsement and boom, you're a Senate candidate. Ideally, Walker would not make this list because his Georgia campaign inspired more pity and embarrassment than anger. But Walker's prolonged comedy routine earned over 1.7 million votes, 48.6 per cent of those Peach State citizens who exercised their democratic rights. At this rate, the next crop of GOP candidates will include Samuel Bankman-Fried and the president of Southwest Airlines.

Trump

Some great assholes did not make the 2022 list, just because they had relatively quiet years. Ted Cruz deserves to be here every year, but unlike 2021 he did not flee to Cancun during a Texas winter power grid failure, and we grade on the curve here.

But Trump always makes the list. Deservedly so. Maybe he's had worse years — maybe his ineffectual squealing and flailing this year has even been rather adorable at times. But Trump is still a candidate for president who actually called for the termination of the U.S. Constitution. Besides, you can't make a list of assholes without Trump. It would be like Top Gun without Maverick, or airports without delays, or anthrax without skin lesions.

Elon Musk

Dr. Steve is tired of talking about the guy. But he has to be a finalist. Let us fervently hope that in 2023 his influence on our lives will shrivel like the price of Tesla stock.

Tucker Carlson

Vladimir Putin invaded Ukraine. Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelenskyy and his nation stood up against the criminal invasion. Tucker Carlson then criticized Zelenskyy's clothes. What more do you need to know about this malignant jackass?

Voters

They're the ones that keep electing bastards.

And now, at long last, the Biggest Bastard of 2022:

Vladimir Putin

Was there ever a doubt? Fuck this guy. May his window of opportunity close in 2023 — or considering the recent history of Russian windows, open that portal wide.

There are of course many unfairly overlooked bastards this year. Feel free to nominate your own.

Read the first part of Dr. Steve’s 2022 bastardpalooza here.

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Happy holidays, readers. Our comment threads will be closed from Friday, Dec. 23 until Tuesday, Jan. 3 to give our moderators a well-deserved break. See you in 2023!