Please Advise! Who Tops the 2022 Bastard Charts?

[Editor’s note: Steve Burgess is an accredited spin doctor with a PhD in Centrifugal Rhetoric from the University of SASE, situated on the lovely campus of PO Box 7650, Cayman Islands. In this space he dispenses PR advice to politicians, the rich and famous, the troubled and well-heeled, the wealthy and gullible.]

Dear Dr. Steve,

There have been a lot of giant bastards in 2022. Who, in your estimation, is the year's biggest bastard?

Signed,

Irked

Dear Irked,

Biggest bastard of 2022 — what a rich pageant. How to choose? It's like picking the most obnoxious seagull, or the most overpriced item at Whole Foods. When it comes to the truly nasty bastards of 2022 there are candidates lined up like reeking port-a-potties at a classic rock festival.

So numerous are the candidates that this will have to be a two-part series. Today we will look at some of the worthy contenders, before moving on to the finalists in the next instalment. To open the rogue's gallery:

Kari Lake

Arizona Republican gubernatorial candidate Kari Lake was confident of victory in November — already counting her dalmations, as it were. But oops, she lost. Naturally she cried fraud (she had been promising to do so throughout the campaign and say what you like, Lake is a politician who keeps her promises).

Lake made 10 allegations in her fraud complaint, eight of which the judge quickly tossed out like so many raccoons in a pantry. But two narrow claims were allowed to proceed, prompting this triumphant tweet from Lake on Dec. 19: “Buckle up America. This is far from over.”

Unbuckle, America. It's over. Took all of five days. “The court cannot accept speculation or conjecture in place of clear and convincing evidence,” said the judge on Dec. 24.

Kari Lake will not be the governor of Arizona. Nor will she earn the coveted title of Biggest Bastard of 2022. Tough luck, Kari. Of course we'd be happy to do a recount for you.

Santa Claus

Look, it's inevitable. He's going to leave behind some hard feelings every year. You can't please everybody. Besides, it serves him right. Give Mr. Naughty List a taste of his own medicine.

Monkeys

A pox on them!

People Who Quote Half-Assed Latin

Elon Musk ran a poll on whether Donald Trump should be allowed back on Twitter. When the poll came out in Trump's favour Musk offered the quote “Vox populi, vox dei” (“The voice of the people is the voice of God.”) It was then widely pointed out that the original Latin quote, from eighth century Anglo-Saxon scholar Alcuin, translates in full as: “And those people should not be listened to who keep saying the voice of the people is the voice of God, since the riotousness of the crowd is always very close to madness.”

Then there was Matt Damon. He appeared in a Crypto.com TV ad and declared “Fortune favours the brave.” Sadly, those who followed his bold advice saw the value of their crypto holdings disappear like a Vancouver snowbank in the rain. Perhaps Matt and his TV audience should have considered that the original Latin quote, “Fortes fortuna iuvat,” came from Roman philosopher Pliny the Elder just as he was setting off in a boat to rescue victims of the great Vesuvius eruption of AD 79. Pliny Sr. fell victim to plumes of toxic gas, a perfect metaphor for all those bold crypto investors. Poor Matt Damon — he probably should have stayed on Mars and waited for Elon.

James Corden

At a fancy New York restaurant Corden's wife Julia Carey ordered an all-yolk omelet. That is her right as an American. The omelet had bits of egg white in it. Corden berated the staff. That is his right as a celebrity. The restaurant owner ratted him out, others began offering up examples of Corden's bad public behaviour, and he made this prestigious list. That is Dr. Steve's right as a columnist. All is well in the world.

Windows

Russian tycoons keep falling out of them.

Pat King

You could pick any number of Freedom Convoy heroes to include here but the guy who said “Trudeau is going to catch a bullet” will do fine.

Stefan Passantino

These annual Biggest Bastard lists tend to be dominated by famous names, but it's only fair to include lesser lights who are truly deserving. As the U.S. congressional hearings into the Jan. 6 insurrection proceeded, Passantino was the lawyer for Cassidy Hutchinson. Or so you'd think. He was actually being paid by Trump supporters and his advice to Hutchinson reflected that. Passantino told Hutchinson that risking a contempt of Congress charge was preferable to testifying fully and honestly before the committee. Remember, it's wrong to tell nasty jokes about lawyers. You should always try to be more specific.

Will Smith

It seems some people will do almost anything to make this list. Very proactive, Will.

Your Sports Heroes

Putin cheerleader Alex Ovechkin just became the second all-time leading scorer in NHL history, trailing only that guy who now does sports betting ads for a major casino. Tom Brady stars in crypto ads. And Olympic champion figure skater Jamie Sale? Don't ask.

Dr. Steve

It's only fair. Dr. Steve said a lot of nasty things about a lot of people this year. He could be quite the little bastard. And he's not done! Coming up tomorrow: The biggest and baddest of the big, bad bastards of 2022.

---

Happy holidays, readers. Our comment threads will be closed from Friday, Dec. 23 until Tuesday, Jan. 3 to give our moderators a well-deserved break. See you in 2023!