Please Advise! Are Pruning Saws the Devil’s Right Hand?

[Editor’s note: Steve Burgess is an accredited spin doctor with a PhD in Centrifugal Rhetoric from the University of SASE, situated on the lovely campus of PO Box 7650, Cayman Islands. In this space he dispenses PR advice to politicians, the rich and famous, the troubled and well-heeled, the wealthy and gullible. ]

Dear Dr. Steve,

Vancouver NPA mayoral candidate John Coupar recently sent a tweet that featured a photo of long, saw-toothed blades and the message: “Machetes on open store shelves at Clark and Hastings not a good look @DollaramaCAD.” As many Twitter users pointed out, the tools were actually ordinary pruning saws.

Do you think Coupar was right to be concerned?

Signed,

Bud

Dear Bud,

Look, threat is a matter of perspective. Different weapons threaten different constituencies. If you are a Green Giant, you fear the can opener. If you are a sentient tater tot, you fear the fork. Maybe you think a pruning saw is not so scary to you. But what if you're a Douglas fir? You tremble at the merciless grin of its metal teeth. No one wants to lose a limb, even a wooden one. Laugh if you will, but John Coupar just earned a major endorsement from Pinocchio.

The original tweet was sent by Vancouver wine merchant John Clerides, who posted a photo of the saws and wrote: “A concerned citizen emailed me today. This is what the @DollaramaCad sells on Hastings and Clark. The person called head office and suggested they remove them, they refused.” Coupar then retweeted the original photo and message, adding his own concerned comment about machetes.

Machetes on open store shelves at Clark and Hastings not a good look @DollaramaCad @GlobalBC @MikeSmythNews https://t.co/NWvWn07kRx

— John Coupar (@JohnCCoupar) June 6, 2022

There are a couple of aspects to consider here. One is that Coupar is a Vancouver Park Board commissioner. As such, trees are his friends. More than that — his constituents. Pruning saw control must be a popular policy in Coupar's neck of the woods. When Coupar and his Stanley Park pals play Clue, the culprit is frequently Professor Plum in the conservatory with the saw.

Additionally, machetes have been top of mind in Vancouver lately, following a frightening incident at a gas station on Hastings. An agitated man with a machete recently rampaged around the pumps, stabbing one man who was later treated and released from hospital. It was a serious attack, yet it may also have started Vancouver residents to pondering. Let's say there's a guy running around a gas station waving a machete, but the gas is selling for $1.89 a litre. Do you go for it? How about $1.59? At that price you could arm yourself with a defensive pruning saw from Dollarama and still end up ahead.

The Vancouver civic election is still months away and the battle lines are already forming. Coupar, mayoral candidate of the NPA, may face a tough fight from the NPSA. That's the National Pruning Saw Association. They are powerful, well-funded and determined to prevent any restrictions on these fearsome devices no matter how much sap is spilled.

It seems likely that Coupar, with the gas station attack fresh in people's minds, was attempting to stake out a public safety position he hoped would resonate with frightened voters. He may now be forced to deal with opponents who choose to focus on challenges more vitally important than the easy availability of pruning saws. Plus a lot of folks having too much fun at his expense on social media.

If a pruning saw is a machete, a leaf blower is a:

— Ian Young (@ianjamesyoung70) June 7, 2022

Or it may be that Coupar will be able to execute a deft pivot on the saw issue. Just how much does Dollarama want for one of those saws, anyway? That's the point he really wanted to make. Aren't prices for food, gas and housing bad enough without forking out big bucks for garden equipment? Vote NPA and a Dollarama pruning saw won't simply be a brand name — it'll be a promise. Buck-a-saw, my friends!

After this, if Coupar goes on to victory in October he will become Vancouver's modern Caesar. Veni, vidi, vici — I came, I saw, I conquered. Plus whatever is Latin for “Dollarama.”