Please Advise! Can We Make Elections Not Happen So Much Right Now?

[Editor’s note: Steve Burgess is an accredited spin doctor with a PhD in Centrifugal Rhetoric from the University of SASE, situated on the lovely campus of PO Box 7650, Cayman Islands. In this space he dispenses PR advice to the rich and famous, the troubled and well-heeled, the wealthy and gullible.]

Dear Dr. Steve,

There are several elections underway now — British Columbia, Saskatchewan, and of course the United States. Do you have trouble keeping them straight?

Signed,

Screens

Dear Screens,

Not at all. Dr. Steve wishes there were even more elections. Alberta could use one right about now. And given what we are seeing south of the border, the spectacle of relatively straightforward Canadian democracy in action ought to have a welcome palliative effect. Imagine — start to finish in about a month and not a single candidate telling a gang of moronic racist thugs to “stand by.”

Yet people don’t seem to be pleased. B.C. Premier John Horgan has been raked over the coals for calling a provincial vote. It appears that the outrage over fall elections is restricted to B.C. though — so far BC Liberal Leader Andrew Wilkinson has refrained from attacking Saskatchewan Premier Scott Moe for interfering with the fall harvest.

You did mention confusion though, and it is true that Dr. Steve is experiencing some. For one thing, it was once considered a political truism that more conservative politicians tend to favour balanced budgets. Darned old 2020 seems to have changed everything.

Wilkinson has proposed cancelling the provincial sales tax for a year and setting it at just three per cent the following year. It would cost an estimated $6.88 billion in year one, and $3.93 billion in year two. For that kind of money, you could have paid top dollar for every looper moth in B.C. You could hire 24 Patrick Mahomes. You could buy Donald Trump’s pending debt 25 times over, although of course you’d have to negotiate with Vladimir Putin.

Wilkinson may be stepping out as Mr. Big Spender, but don’t you dare call him a socialist. This is a tax cut, which as conservatives know is not real deficit spending. It’s like eating cake on your birthday — the calories don’t count. Besides, removing the sales tax will help everybody, from the single mother buying a high chair for her kids, to the hard-working entrepreneur buying a 50-foot yacht. And the freedom from burdensome taxation helps buyer and seller alike. So that struggling single mother might also consider selling a 50-foot yacht or two. When you free up the market, everyone benefits!*

The sales tax holiday is not the entirety of the BC Liberal platform of course. Wilkinson has also come out firmly against chasing people with chainsaws. This follows an incident in Vancouver near a homeless encampment where a chainsaw-wielding man threatened a number of pedestrians.

Strong legislation prohibiting chainsaw threatening would indeed be a popular measure, although as with any legislation the wording would be crucial, lest the resulting dragnet sweep up enterprising young people wielding lawnmowers and threatening to cut your grass. Still, it’s a sharp move for Wilkinson. The BC Liberals don't exactly have a great reputation for preserving our rainforests, but this powerful stand against chainsaws could eventually pay off in a Liberal-Green coalition.

Speaking of the industrious young, consider Kate O’Connor. The 17-year-old is the newly minted Green candidate in Saanich South, giving a whole new meaning to the “green” label.

O’Connor is by far the youngest candidate in the B.C. election. But when you consider she is about two months older than Greta Thunberg, she really might be considered a bit of a late bloomer. (Parenthetically, Dr. Steve notes here with disapproval the pernicious influence of Thunberg in driving younger and younger people to work in the trenches of environmental activism. Toiling at lemonade stands, begging for pledges, marching on aching feet, holding signs larger than they are — it’s positively Dickensian. Shame!)

O’Connor is a legitimate candidate since she will turn 18 before election day. It’s a reminder that these campaigns age all of us. On average, you are 25 years older than you were at the beginning of the 2020 U.S. election campaign. Those who watched the first Trump/Biden presidential debate on Tuesday are now undergoing the official concussion protocol.

Experiencing that debate was like listening to a steady stream of geese flying into a jet engine. Some say Joe Biden didn’t handle the situation well and a candidate like Elizabeth Warren would have done better. Perhaps Biden should have prepared by standing on a stage next to a demented sea lion. Warren, her fans argue, would surely have brought a bucket of fish.

Then news broke Thursday night that both Trump and the first lady had tested positive for coronavirus, making one bad week in a very bad campaign exponentially worse.

So for those annoyed at the early B.C. election, Dr. Steve reiterates that it could be worse. Much, much, so much worse. And when our provincial campaign ends on Oct. 24, the agony will continue until at least Nov. 3 and quite likely beyond. This provincial election is like a stubbed toe that briefly distracts you from a migraine. Enjoy it while you can.

*Story updated Oct. 2 at 6:30 a.m.