Please Advise! Should I Be Anxious about 2020?!?!

[Editor’s note: Steve Burgess is an accredited spin doctor with a PhD in Centrifugal Rhetoric from the University of SASE, situated on the lovely campus of PO Box 7650, Cayman Islands. In this space he dispenses PR advice to politicians, the rich and famous, the troubled and well-heeled, the wealthy and gullible.]

Dear Dr. Steve,

At this difficult time the world seeks your perspicacious guidance. Will you not take this opportunity to practice your augury, stare into the void and prophesy on the year to come?

Signed,

Anxious

Dear Anxious,

I understand your anxiety. As 2020 commences, your nom de plume is about as distinctive as Smith or Jones. Everybody’s jumpy right now, and uncertainty is as pervasive as Australian woodsmoke. Pundits have already fallen on their faces this year — on Jan. 1, 2020, no one could have predicted the events of Jan. 2, 2020. Attempts to forecast the course of history often end with the would-be prophet later taking a Sharpie to the map. Still, let the man who last year confidently predicted a Kamala Harris juggernaut take another shot at peering through the chintz curtains of time.

The last few years have been a period of growth. In 2020, many are hoping that growth will be removed. But will it? Or will the Trump infection continue to fester and seep? Trump’s impeachment conviction and removal by the U.S. Senate is about as likely as Senator Lindsay Graham’s long-delayed spine implant. No, the only things likely to bring Trump down in 2020 are the ballot box or one too many Quarter Pounders.

So in looking to predict the future, we have to consider the most astounding thing about the present: that a man who has spent the past 1,080-odd days demonstrating that he is the intellectual and moral equivalent of a colon polyp is still consistently supported by roughly four in 10 American voters. Prognostication be damned — there is no telling what those addled chuckleheads south of the border will do. If pressed, Dr. Steve will predict a Trump electoral loss, to be both preceded and followed by concerted Republican attempts to undermine and destroy American democracy itself. Also, the Dodgers will win the World Series.

What of Canadian politics? June 27, 2020 will bring the Conservative leadership convention. Many a pundit has been publicly speculating about how the Tories will find a leader who will balance social conservatism with public concern over climate change. Dr. Steve must now pause for a few moments to allow his heaving diaphragm to recover from spasmodic convulsions of mirthless laughter. Dr. Steve predicts the Conservative party convention that will elect a bold climate change leader will be held 30 years from now on a giant barge located several fathoms above the former site of Swift Current. The party that had Andrew Scheer and Maxime Bernier running neck-and-neck last time around hardly seems likely to awaken reborn in 2020, like Ebenezer Scrooge on Christmas morning.

In B.C., the political situation is like a three-goal Vancouver Canucks lead — everything seems to be in the bag until the bottom falls out. The Green party leadership race could be the catalyst for all kinds of shenanigans. This summer the Greens will elect a new leader — probably a randomly-selected Swedish teenager — who is likely to lack a seat in the legislature. If Andrew Weaver steps aside to clear a seat but the subsequent Oak Bay-Gordon Head byelection is won by the Liberals, it would create a legislative tie and possibly trigger a provincial election. The Liberals could then take the lead in the polls by promising that every single British Columbian will pay lower ICBC rates than their neighbours. But then the party might suffer a setback during the TV debate when Andrew Wilkinson bites the head off a live chicken. So far, pretty standard. After that, things could get strange. Dr. Steve predicts the election will ultimately turn on Premier John Horgan’s demonstrated ability to control the elemental forces of nature, allowing him to put a freeze on BC Hydro rates. Unless there is no provincial election this year, in which case things will be different.

Some other random predictions:

The Democrats will nominate Kamala Harris as their presidential candidate after belatedly realizing that the will of Dr. Steve must not be defied.

Meatloaf will offer a full and complete explanation of how Greta Thunberg was brainwashed about climate change. Attempts to replicate the process with U.S. Senators Mitch McConnell and Lindsay Graham will prove unsuccessful.

In the wake of Australia’s devastating wildfires, the U.S. Republican Party will pass a resolution declaring Australia does not exist and is henceforth to be removed from school maps, along with California. Especially California.

After claiming there is no such country as Liechtenstein, President Trump will order missile strikes to retroactively prove himself right.

Brazilian President Jair Bolsonaro will fall down the stairs and afterwards blame Leonardo di Caprio for tying his shoelaces together, ultimately leading to di Caprio being awarded the Nobel Peace Prize.

Someone will release a major motion picture that does not reboot or in any way reference a previous hit movie, beloved TV franchise, popular video game, iconic rock star/band, comic book, Disney theme park ride, or emoji. After first determining that neither Martin Scorsese nor Quentin Tarantino are involved, authorities will ban the film until such time as Scarlett Johansson can be attached to a remake.

Baby Yoda will release a series of racist tweets.

Dr. Steve has spoken.