Please Advise! Can a Sedinless Life Have Meaning?

Steve Burgess is an accredited spin doctor with a Ph.D in Centrifugal Rhetoric from the University of SASE, situated on the lovely campus of PO Box 7650, Cayman Islands. In this space he dispenses PR advice to politicians, the rich and famous, the troubled and well-heeled, the wealthy and gullible.

Dear Dr. Steve,

I am feeling depressed. I have lost my appetite. I find myself obsessing over the past and unable to focus on the present. What's wrong me with, doctor? Could it be my thyroid?

Signed
Sick and Sad

Dear SS,

It could be malaria, or possibly elephantiasis. If there are hives it could be aquagenic urticaria. How should I know? I'm no doctor. However, I believe I understand what ails you. You have a case of Ovilis Uniusque Pastoris Sedinus - the Henrik and Daniel Retirement Blues. It's an epidemic right now. There is no cure. You might try getting drunk.

The announcement Monday that the Sedin twins would retire at season's end was not entirely unexpected, but the effects have been no less dramatic for that. Grief is as widespread as caviar on knäckebröd. Sales of sour herring have tripled (to three cans). Black Dog Video has been fielding numerous requests for that Ingmar Bergman film where Max Von Sydow plays hockey with Death.

Having given their best to the Vancouver Canucks for 18 years, the Sedins clearly feel that the best thing they can do now is make way for the next generation. It's a typically unselfish move. About the only thing more the Sedins could do for the team now would be to find every existing copy of Loui Eriksson's contract, chew them up and swallow them. But I suppose it would be rude to ask for too much.

Henrik and Daniel made the official announcement in a letter to fans. Their statement said they consider Vancouver home at least for the time being, a fact that will have political and even constitutional implications. No doubt secret negotiations are now underway to decide whether Henrik and Daniel will simply be appointed premier- and mayor-for-life, or whether our electoral system will remain basically unchanged while the twins serve as constitutional monarchs. Even if they aren't the greatest emperors to begin with, you know they'll be at the palace first thing every morning, practising commands and edicts until they're sore.

Meanwhile general manager Jim Benning is expected to announce that starting next season, as a sign of respect, numbers 22 and 33 will be worn by Eric Gudbranson and Brandon Sutter. Look, Jim just really likes those guys.

The Sedins were drafted together in 1999 after then-GM Brian Burke swung a draft day deal, an act that should have resulted in a bylaw mandating that Burke would never have to buy a drink in this province again. Yet it was not quite love at first sight. For years, the Sedins took a lot of crap from people who are very lucky there was no Twitter 16 years ago, so their cheap shots cannot be dug up this week. To be fair, the Sedins have admitted they had doubts themselves in the first couple of years. But they responded by keeping their heads down and working tirelessly. They started out pretty good, then steadily became great. And as they progressed from prospects to superstars, their public demeanour changed in one way: their English improved.

There is always something spooky about identical twins. There's a reason they didn't cast Mel Gibson and Danny Glover to play the two little girls in The Shining. People inevitably described the Sedins' chemistry as telepathic. But there was perhaps a subtler aspect to their physical similarity. Since they appeared to be one person split into two bodies, it was only natural that they should seem selfless. In an era where sports marketing emphasized grandiosity and outsize personalities, the Sedins quietly carried the banner for the opposite philosophy - the abnegation of self in favour of team.

Off the ice, the Sedins donated $1.5 million to BC Children's Hospital Foundation, started the Sedin Family Foundation and toured hospital wards so often you'd think they had lost their keys there. The Sedins are not characters. They are character, personified.

The good news is that there are more Swedes on the way, with Elias Pettersson and Jonathan Dahlen expected in camp next season. The Sweden-to-Vancouver connection may be the only pipeline that nobody around here complains about.

Hopes are high for Pettersson in particular, and there are even some diminishing hopes that the Canucks will finally get some draft luck and land potential superstar Rasmus Dahlin. But this is not the week to speak of Swedes yet to come. This week we raise a mug of fermented milk to the best damn Swedish combo since ABBA. Thanks for everything, boys. Go ahead, have another piece of surströmming. You've earned it.