Noted Canadian Sportsman Gets U.S. Defense Contract

KUWAIT - (AP) Amid cries that soldiers here are prosecuting the War On Terror with "antiquated" equipment and improvised "hillbilly armour", U.S. Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld used his press conference at Camp Doha to announce that "help is on the way" in the form of celebrated Canadian sportsman Red Green.

Green, long an advocate of the use of silver Duct Tape as a cure-all solution, was reportedly contacted earlier this month when U.S. President George W. Bush met with Prime Minister Paul Martin.

According to sources in the PM's office, Bush had bristled when told of inventive U.S. soldiers rummaging through garbage dumps for pieces of rusted scrap metal and compromised ballistic glass to affix to their vehicles as they went into combat.

He recalled a Canadian sportsmen's show that he had seen on U.S. television and, taking a momentary break from chewing out the PM for not joining the coalition and pushing through his missile defence plans, asked Martin if Green was available to help "freedom to march a little faster."

"Mr. Green," said Bush, "provides us with a shining example of how duct tape can be used creatively for freedom.  Where I grew up, we called it 'Alabama Chrome'.  I mean of course in Texas, not Connecticut."

Rumsfeld, whose earlier suggestions had included a flak jacket comprised entirely of a thousand tiny American-flag lapel pins, and a force-field fuelled by arrogance, introduced Green not a moment too soon.  The photo-op, only a mere 40 miles away from any real danger, had turned from a routine B.S. session into a hostile Q & A session.

Rumsfeld using his super power, the ability to become a crabby and frail old man, deflected the suddenly serious questions about the Pentagon's lack of planning, specifically its perceived ambivalence toward forces on the ground.

"Settle down," the Secretary warned, "Hell, I'm an old man, it's early in the morning and I'm gathering my thoughts here. Listen, you go to war with the Army you have ... not the Army you might want to wish to have at a later time."

Thanks to an innovative and plucky Canadian, Red Green, the U.S. army came one duct tape covered step closer to getting that wish.

(Taken from real and imagined reports from Associated Press.)

Paul Myers’ ‘Little photoshops of horrors’ appear regularly in The Tyee.