Please Advise! Should 24 Sussex Be Converted to Condos?

[Editor’s note: Steve Burgess is an accredited spin doctor with a PhD. in Centrifugal Rhetoric from the University of SASE, situated on the lovely campus of PO Box 7650, Cayman Islands. In this space he dispenses PR advice to politicians, the rich and famous, the troubled and well-heeled, the wealthy and gullible.]

Dear Dr. Steve,

Prime Minister Mark Carney has announced a plan to renovate the official prime ministerial residence at 24 Sussex Drive in Ottawa through a national design competition and a crowd-funding program.

Meanwhile he and B.C. Premier David Eby announced a program to buy up 2,200 unsold B.C. condos and convert them to social housing, but the plan seems to be running aground before it starts.

Are these good ideas, Dr. Steve?

Signed,

Real Tea

Dear RT,

They might have turned the place into a first-rate garden shed, or perhaps rented out the resident mice for medical research. But instead, the prime minister's house is getting a makeover. Still, this 24 Sussex renovation seems a little, um, sus.

Who exactly is going to be paying for the reno? If you contribute 50 bucks, can you show up unannounced for Sunday brunch? If you donate $10 million, can you put golden arches on the front lawn? If the winning entry in the national design competition resembles a Pizza Hut, what conclusions should we draw?

The private funding of public institutions has been done before, though. For example, it's how U.S. Supreme Court justice Clarence Thomas got his RV.

Carney has assured the public that corporations will be barred from contributing — no Starbucks accepted. Individuals can chip in though. Perhaps Mr. T. Horton? Dr. Oetker? Ronald McDonald?

Private/public funding deals can have pitfalls. Ivanka Trump and Jared Kushner are in the process of inadvertently bringing down the Albanian government via their secret plan to drop a glitzy resort onto a protected island.

Ivanka Trump told a podcaster that she and Kushner stopped their yacht for a swim and “discovered” the island of Sazan. Columbus once made a discovery like that. Albanians are reacting as if Kushner and Trump were selling smallpox blankets. Albanian anti-corruption prosecutors have opened a formal probe into the transaction and protesters are calling for resignations. It's the biggest scandal since terrorist ANTIFA scum took a giant steak knife to the Lincoln Reflecting Pool.

Still, money is money. Maybe Trump and Kushner could sail their yacht up the Ottawa River and “discover” the city? Innocent and friendly locals will welcome them at the water’s edge in their traditional business attire, bearing ceremonial gifts of beavertails and bilingual Cheerios boxes.

As for the prime minister’s B.C. housing plan, the first thing you must know is, it's not the prime minister’s B.C. housing plan. It was B.C.'s idea. Carney insists on giving credit. Premier Eby responded by grumbling that the feds announced the deal too soon. Keep passing that shit sandwich, boys.

Whosever idea it was, the plan is for the current glut of unsold condos to be alleviated as the federal and provincial governments buy up 2,200 units to create social housing. But soft — here's Carney and Eby singing the praises of their condo scheme:

“I don’t think we’ve done, myself included, a particularly good job at rolling this out and explaining exactly what this is,” Carney said.

“If people hate it, it’s OK,” Eby said. “We don’t have to do it.”

Wow. These two will be neck-and-neck for the coveted title of 2026 Marketer of the Year.

The criticism is that this proposal is in effect a developer bail-out. The builders bet on a booming market, it went bust, and now shabby developers sit beside their bindles in the hobo jungle, roasting squirrels over a bonfire and hoping the government will bring in a bold New Deal. Like this one.

As The Tyee's Andrew MacLeod reported, not everyone thinks the idea is wholly misguided. But so far the messaging has been, shall we say, clumsy. Was last week the first time you noticed Premier Eby resembles a cross between a giraffe and Mr. Bean? There's a reason.

Eby revealed that because of the potential expense, the plan will not be executed in Vancouver. That's great news because Vancouver doesn't have any issues with housing. Now we can concentrate on figuring out Taylor Swift's wedding plans.

The plan has already had a huge impact — it has managed to make Pierre Poilievre sound like a people’s champion. This scheme, the federal Conservative leader said, is “a transfer of wealth from the have-nots to the have-yachts.”

Who are you, rap master, and what have you done with Pierre Poilievre? NDP leader Avi Lewis should sue for identity theft. (No worries, though. Poilievre and the yacht crowd will have a good chuckle over dockside daiquiris later.)

Critics with more credibility than Rhymin’ Pierre fear that this deal, should it go through, could create a moral hazard. Tax dollars are used to bail out private investors, developers get used to sucking up public money. One thing leads to another. Next thing you know, it's hello, Jared Kushner.

As a prominent rapper once said, it's good times for the have-yachts. But then, isn't it always?