Please Advise! How Bad Will 2026 Be?

[Editor’s note: Steve Burgess is an accredited spin doctor with a PhD in Centrifugal Rhetoric from the University of SASE, situated on the lovely campus of PO Box 7650, Cayman Islands. In this space he dispenses PR advice to politicians, the rich and famous, the troubled and well-heeled, the wealthy and gullible.]

Dear Dr. Steve,

What does 2026 hold in store for us all?

Signed,

Cassandra

Dear Cass,

We are only a week in and Dr. Steve is already checking the batteries on his Forecast-O-Matic 3000. Not a whisper from his three-in-one prognosticator/air fryer/microwave about Trump kidnapping the president of Venezuela. Whatever happened to craftsmanship? (Consumer tip: any crystal ball that comes with a warranty is telling on itself.)

But then you can only expect so much from a dollar-store sibyl these days. We live in a time that is hostile to rational projection. In a world where Washington has teamed up with Vladimir Putin in a New Warsaw Pact, the Washington Post is cheerleading a criminal president and CBS has been transformed into Craven Butt-Smoochers, forecasting is a mug's game.

Nonetheless, Dr. Steve is willing to freestyle with some predictions for the year:

• Conservative Leader Pierre Poilievre will continue to exude his special brand of charisma, exerting its magical effect until eventually caucus meetings will be held in a shopping cart on the corner of Sussex and Rideau. Having failed to improve his image by wearing contacts, Poilievre will go the other way and start wearing glasses on both sides of his head. But to no avail. The remaining Conservative MPs will revolt against his leadership. By a margin of two votes to one, Poilievre will be asked to exit the party Volkswagen. His subsequent career as a Walmart greeter will result in a class-action lawsuit and an episode of NBC News Dateline.
• B.C. Conservatives will choose a new leader, a bold, dynamic, attractive, philosopher, inventor and entrepreneur capable of uniting all the disparate factions of the party under his wise and charismatic leadership. Unfortunately, it will then be explained to them that John Galt is a fictional character.
• In Calgary, every water main will burst all at once. Speaking from a makeshift raft of abandoned solar panels, Premier Danielle Smith will blame NDP Leader Naheed Nenshi, Prime Minister Mark Carney and windmills. Smith will announce immediate measures to deal with the flooding, including tax breaks to attract Jeff Bezos' yacht. Most importantly, Smith will remind the public that this flood was not caused by climate change, but simply good, old-fashioned incompetence and neglect. Kevin Costner will announce a run for mayor, touting his valuable experience in Waterworld.
• A scientific study will show that an overdose of Diet Coke and Aspirin can lead to an uncontrollable urge to conquer Greenland.
• Meanwhile Trump will put his name on Washington. Not the city, the state or the monument — George Washington himself. History books will now refer to the nation's first president as George W. Trump. The U.S. Supreme Court will also rubber-stamp his new commands outlawing bearded Democrats, hyphenated names and California.
• Justices Samuel Alito and Clarence Thomas will say it is legal for Donald Trump to kick you in the nuts, shoot your dog and knock your house down with a hydraulic shovel. This statement will not be part of any Supreme Court ruling — just two pals having a cosy conversation over coffee.
• Tourism statistics will show an increase in visits to the U.S., albeit mostly via military kidnappings.
• The FIFA World Cup in Vancouver will descend into chaos as teams engage in armoured attacks, drone strikes and paratroop assaults in an attempt to win the FIFA Peace Prize. FIFA president Gianni Infantino will insist this is all perfectly normal, pointing out that it's common for soccer games to end in a shootout.
• New York Mayor Zohran Mamdani will execute his radical socialist plan by sending city residents to collective farms. The plan will fail dismally because, as the Mets have repeatedly proved, New Yorkers do not tend to perform well in the field.
• Katy Perry will announce she has returned to space, not via rocketry, but on the wings of love. She and Justin Trudeau will eventually have seven children (quite a year), every one a little Celine Dion. They'll compete in a choir festival at New York's Trump Got Some Blood on His Ear Center for the Performing Arts. After some stuff involving nuns and JD Vance, the whole family will cross the border at Niagara Falls, singing a medley of Tragically Hip songs.

Roll credits.