Please Advise! Is Carney Going to Get Us into Eurovision?

[Editor’s note: Steve Burgess is an accredited spin doctor with a PhD in Centrifugal Rhetoric from the University of SASE, situated on the lovely campus of PO Box 7650, Cayman Islands. In this space he dispenses PR advice to politicians, the rich and famous, the troubled and well-heeled, the wealthy and gullible.]

Dear Dr. Steve,

Finance Minister François-Philippe Champagne delivered the federal budget on Tuesday afternoon. Included was this line: “The government will explore modernizing CBC/Radio-Canada’s mandate to strengthen independence, and is working with CBC/Radio Canada to explore participation in Eurovision.”

Are you excited about Canada possibly joining the Eurovision Song Contest?

Signed,

Ken Kahn

Dear KK,

Dr. Steve already enjoys long showers. However, it is time to get serious. Shower time will now be extended as Dr. Steve perfects his vocal technique.

As long as the hot water holds out, Dr. Steve will perform his serenade — first for the neighbours, then for the world. Dr. Steve “Will Always Love You,” for you are the “Wind Beneath His Wings.” Dr. Steve's “Heart Will Go On,” even if “Soap Gets in His Eyes.”

Eurovision, for those unfamiliar, is the World Series of pop, the Champions League of choreography. Dozens of nations perform songs that are voted on by other countries until a single winner is chosen in a televised spectacle.

It's the musical equivalent of high-speed rail — popular around the globe, mostly ignored in North America. Dr. Steve has pleaded for Canadian participation before. No, we are not in Europe, technically. But Australia competes, for goodness’ sake. We're like a Paris suburb by comparison.

Of course Dr. Steve understands that he is unlikely to be selected to carry the banner of Canadian song across the wide Atlantic sea. That's Canada's loss.

We do have many other candidates. Canada even boasts a former Eurovision champion in Celine Dion, who won in 1988, performing on behalf of Switzerland. Other Canadians have performed, including Vancouver native Rykka, who also sang for Switzerland in 2016.

You’d think the Swiss could find their own yodellers, but the judges would probably get tired of hearing “The Lonely Goatherd” year after year. Perhaps it was a balance-of-trade issue — they got Celine, we got Swiss Chalet.

Anyway, no need to watch the Swiss. It's our time. Now Canada must Toblerone the podium.

What would a winning Canadian entry sound like? Our successful song should try to balance a globally popular style with a uniquely Canadian identity. For example, maybe a K-pop version of “The Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald.”

Leaning into the politics could also work. Perhaps a revised version of “American Woman”: “We don't need your tariff rates / You can keep your 50 states.”

Since this Eurovision plan was contained in the federal budget, it must surely be part of the government's economic strategy and Prime Minister Mark Carney's current focus on broadening Canada's trade horizons in the face of Donald Trump’s tariffs. It seems certain then that Canada's Eurovision entry will carry a specific kind of message, something like: “My Heart Soars Like Increased European Potash Imports,” or “I Canola See Your Face.” (It might prove more awkward to write a sexy love song on the theme of softwood lumber.)

Some sort of performative Canadian theme might introduce us to the world. Maybe Anne Murray covering Brenda Lee's “I'm Sorry.”

Or something thematic: “Moose You Much,” or “My Love Cannot Be Poutine Words.” Cheesy? Of course. Through culture, we support the Canadian dairy industry.

The main thing is that by participating in the Eurovision Song Contest, we will indicate Canada is turning toward Europe and away from Trump's America. We are not singing along to “Ice Ice Baby.” We do not join in on “51st State of Mind.” Our tune is more like “50 Ways to Leave Your Neighbour.” There are no tariffs on a “Heart of Gold.”

And if “Life Is a Highway” — you know it's the Trans-Canada.