Please Advise! Why Is Weirdo Alex Jones Hyping Poilievre?

[Editor’s note: Steve Burgess is an accredited spin doctor with a PhD in Centrifugal Rhetoric from the University of SASE, situated on the lovely campus of PO Box 7650, Cayman Islands. In this space he dispenses PR advice to politicians, the rich and famous, the troubled and well-heeled, the wealthy and gullible.]

Dear Dr. Steve,

Pierre Poilievre recently earned an endorsement from professional conspiracy theorist Alex Jones, who posted on X last week: “Been following this guy for years! He's the real deal!”

Do you think this is a positive development for the Opposition leader?

Signed,

Sandy

Dear Sandy,

Cryptococcus neoformans is a common fungus that, while usually harmless, can sometimes infect the lungs and even the brain. Symptoms can include fever, nausea, confusion and behavioral changes. If a political candidate were offered a chance to appear onstage with either Cryptococcus neoformans or Alex Jones, Dr. Steve would say: choose the fungus. Less embarrassing.

Jones is the subject of a new HBO documentary called The Truth vs. Alex Jones, about the defamation suits brought by the parents of slain children murdered at Sandy Hook Elementary School, a horrific crime Jones claimed was a giant hoax. For years Jones has functioned like a malignant brain worm in the body politic, spreading lies that would be laughable if one were inclined to laugh at botulism. As critic Erik Childress says, the HBO film reveals “the grief of the parents who were victimized by pure evil masquerading as truth and capitalism.”

Now Mr. Pure Evil has wrapped Poilievre in his malodorous embrace. The international fringe has spotted Poilievre as one of their own. As they say in the sports world, game recognizes game. They see in Poilievre a man who will bring an end to the nanny state — goodbye to vaccines, salad bar sneeze guards, and NATO.

But there's a reason you never saw Charlie Manson on a box of Wheaties — not every endorsement is welcome. Nonetheless, solicited or not, Poilievre has received the blessing of Jones, whose reputation places him somewhere between bedbugs and Steve Bannon. Jones is the man who once said the government was putting chemicals in the water to turn frogs gay.

Jones has also said that today's solar eclipse is a “Biblical event” that is going to be “hijacked” by the Department of Homeland Security and will be used as a test-run for martial law. Huge if true. In fact, here's what we do know about today's eclipse: a ribbon of darkness will track across North America as the sun becomes a eerie black hole, birds go silent, bats take wing and uncanny night descends upon a bewildered Earth. And at 3:18 p.m., when the eclipse crosses into Canada, it is expected to endorse Pierre Poilievre.

Historically, eclipses have been seen as ominous signals, a superstition that stretches from ancient times to last Friday. That's when U.S. Congress-creature Marjorie Taylor Greene sent out a tweet suggesting the eclipse, as well as the recent mild New York City earthquake, are signs of God's displeasure with Joe Biden's America. That's bad. You want to have God on your side if possible — it helps sell those $60 Bibles.

But if you can't get an endorsement from the Christian God, there are others. For instance, how about Saturn? The Roman deity best known for devouring his own children — essentially, the divine creator of the 20-piece family bucket — Saturn would certainly be a suitable campaign companion to the likes of Alex Jones. If asked, he might willingly pause between mouthfuls to declare Poilievre the flavour of the month. If Goya were still here he could paint a portrait of Poilievre munching, well, apples or something.

Poilievre is riding so high in the polls, screwing it up would appear to be a challenge. But if anybody can do it, he can. Sometimes Poilievre seems like a political version of “Springtime for Hitler,” Mel Brooks' fictional stage production designed to lose money that instead becomes a disastrous success. Surely Poilievre's aggressively unpleasant personality is a secret scheme to alienate voters. If so, it doesn't seem to be working. Yet.

You would think a man could not be beloved by both Alex Jones and the Canadian public. Jones is distasteful enough to make a vampire quit drinking. In a sane world, a plug from this malignant media host would be worth as much as a Boeing screwdriver. But who knows? In an age when Vladimir Putin is a Republican hero, a sexual predator peddles overpriced Bibles, and the afternoon sun is extinguished by God's wrath, any darkness seems possible.