Please Advise! Who Monkeywrenched the Easter Bunny Express?

[Editor’s note: Steve Burgess is an accredited spin doctor with a PhD in Centrifugal Rhetoric from the University of SASE, situated on the lovely campus of PO Box 7650, Cayman Islands. In this space he dispenses PR advice to politicians, the rich and famous, the troubled and well-heeled, the wealthy and gullible.]

Dear Dr. Steve,

The Stanley Park train was finally reopened but then on Easter Saturday it was closed yet again. Track damage, they said.

What's really going on?

Signed,

Rabbit Ears

Dear Rabbit,

Well might you ask, my friend. There are no coincidences in this world. Recent events have proved once again that dark forces are at work everywhere. Here then are some possible explanations for the Easter Train fiasco:

Vaccines

They're responsible for everything, some will tell you. Weakened victims of government-mandated poison are dropping like flies, causing accidents everywhere from Stanley Park to the eastern seaboard.

This claim may strike some of you as implausible. If so, that's fine. You're not the target audience. Such theories are aimed at the same people buying the Trump Bible. For as the Book of Trump saith: “Unto you is born one every minute.”

Carbon tax

Spouse left you? Your dog is incontinent? You just Googled “scrofula” and your symptoms match? It's the carbon tax, man. The Easter Train thing too. Thanks, Trudeau.

Illegal immigrants

Last week, Michigan Republican state representative Matt Maddock sent out an urgent message to his followers on X/Twitter: “Happening right now!” A bus full of illegal immigrants — with a police escort no less! — was departing from the Detroit Metro Airport, Maddock claimed. It was promptly revealed that the bus was actually full of college basketball players arriving for the March Madness Sweet 16 tournament. To be fair, the players were from a faraway land called Gonzaga, which certainly sounds like a place where they eat devilishly spicy food, ride bicycles and do abortions. Talk about March Madness — Woke Madness, more like.

When a Twitter response explained this was in fact a college basketball team, Maddock replied, “Sure, kommie. Nice talking point.” Still later, journalist David Shuster asked Maddock whether he understood the bus was indeed carrying a basketball team. Maddock replied, “The hostile media can keep trying to cover this up but it's not working for you.”

We know about this text exchange because Maddock posted it himself.

The Michigan Republican offers an important political lesson here — double down, triple down and keep going until you run out of fingers. Remember, a true nut job will not even shake hands with facts. Reality is like a fart in an elevator — unpleasant, ephemeral and best ignored. You've got a story. Stick to it.

Woke diversity

Chocolate handouts from genetic freaks? Free candy from giant furries? As long as sexually promiscuous bunnies are allowed to entice our children with sweets and socialism, it's not just the Easter Train that will continue to go off the rails.

The Antichrist

A Christian celebration interrupted? It's the Evil One, surely. The Easter Train closure must be a sign. And when the apocalypse hits, you'll need Dr. Steve's Survival Supply Kit, a bunker-busting bounty, a freeze-dried feast your unprepared neighbours would kill for — if you don't get them first, with Dr. Steve's easy-to-use DIY RPG. Make the end times into great times, with Dr. Steve! (Doc Steve bibles also available.)

A large humanoid rabbit

CCTV footage shows a mutant biped lagomorph with long ears, massive front teeth and a basket of weapons. Possibly the result of cosmetics testing. Answers to “Peter.” Do not approach.

The point is, something must be done. We need strong leadership. Like they said about Mussolini: at least the Easter trains ran on time. There are no carbon taxes in the Bible. And, umm, something about vaccines.

Amen.