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Opinion
Politics

Please Advise! Is Santa Real?

If Donald Trump can exist, says Dr. Steve, why not old Saint Nick?

Steve Burgess 23 Dec 2022TheTyee.ca

Steve Burgess writes about politics and culture for The Tyee. Read his previous articles.
An illustration of Santa standing in front of a snowy house, with a sleigh and a reindeer.
We live in an age of incredible things, says Dr. Steve. Santa Claus is more credible than most of them. Image by Myriams-Fotos from Pixabay.

[Editor’s note: Steve Burgess is an accredited spin doctor with a PhD in Centrifugal Rhetoric from the University of SASE, situated on the lovely campus of PO Box 7650, Cayman Islands. In this space he dispenses PR advice to politicians, the rich and famous, the troubled and well-heeled, the wealthy and gullible.]

Dear Dr. Steve,

I am eight years old. Some of my friends say there is no Santa Claus. Papa says, “If you see it in The Tyee, it's true.”

Please tell me the truth: Is there a Santa Claus?

Signed,

Virginia

Dear Virginia,

Well, Virginia, it's complicated. The honest truth is, Dr. Steve is not sure.

Santa Claus exists in the world of belief. Lately, Dr. Steve exists in a near-permanent state of disbelief.

Dr. Steve cannot believe there are people on Vancouver-area roads without snow tires this week. Dr. Steve cannot believe that Bing Crosby was so intent on having a white Christmas. Did the man never have to sleep on his suitcase at YVR after three consecutive flight cancellations? Dr. Steve cannot believe people are paying $6 a head for iceberg lettuce. For that price, Virginia, if your parents want you to have something green and crunchy, tell them to buy you some Lucky Charms.

Dr. Steve cannot believe he still torments himself by watching every single Canucks game. But that's on Dr. Steve, Virginia. He has no one else to blame.

Sadly, Virginia, Dr. Steve put a lot of money into crypto this year. Pierre Poilievre said it was solid. Kevin O'Leary from Shark Tank said FTX was a safe place to be. If you cannot believe a successful TV business personality, whom can you believe?

Speaking of TV tycoons, can you believe those Trump NFT trading cards, Virginia? Trump as a cowboy? An astronaut? Donald “Bone Spurs” Trump as a fighter pilot? If you can believe that sh… umm, stuff, Virginia, I suppose you can believe anything.

All the same there's something inspiring about those cards. Imagine a kid just grifting in the schoolyard but dreaming of someday becoming a major league con artist. Trump Cards feed that dream. You — yes, you — can scam your way to the top. It's all about believing, Virginia.

Meanwhile the Jan. 6 committee has made criminal referrals to the U.S. Department of Justice recommending charges be brought against Trump. Do you believe in consequences, Virginia? Will the holidays be decorated with (Merrick) Garlands? Will Trump see (as the Brits like to say) a visit to the nick?

Trump and Melania, in separate rooms, will just settle down for a long winter's snooze; Mike Pence will be hung by the chimney with string, in hopes that Trump soon can string up the real thing; when what to his wondering eyes will appear, but a list of indictments, say, early next year? He'll be dressed all in orange from his head to his feet, still claiming the 2020 vote was a cheat; and we'll hear him exclaim ere he's dragged out of sight, “I could shoot somebody on Fifth Avenue and Santa wouldn't put me on the naughty list. Get me a Diet Coke, losers.”

Dr. Steve will believe it when he sees it, Virginia. He's been burned before. But who knows? Perhaps one foggy Mar-a-Lago eve, Trump will have to say: Rudy with your nose so bright, can you bail me out tonight? Let's all put that on our Christmas wish list.

On another unbelievable topic: Marjorie Taylor Greene. She exists, Virginia. Can you believe that? Even Lauren Boebert is struggling with it. At a recent Turning Point USA conference in Phoenix, Boebert said, “I’ve been aligned with Marjorie and accused of believing a lot of the things that she believes in. I don’t believe in this just like I don’t believe in… Jewish space lasers.”

Elon Musk posted a Twitter poll asking whether he should step down as Twitter CEO. The vote was 57.5 per cent for “Yes.” As of now, Musk is still CEO. But let's believe, Virginia. Let's believe he means it. That will make a happier holiday for everybody, even Tesla shareholders.

But I digress, Virginia. Is there a Santa Claus? That was your question. Let me put it this way: anyone in the Lower Mainland or Vancouver Island attempting to travel this week better have some magical freaking reindeer or some kind of supernatural deal going for them.

So if you find presents under the tree Christmas morning, Virginia, I would say: case closed. The Jolly Fat Man is legit. Happy holidays from Dr. Steve.

Happy holidays, readers. Our comment threads will be closed from Friday, Dec. 23 until Tuesday, Jan. 3 to give our moderators a well-deserved break. See you in 2023! [Tyee]

Read more: Politics

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