Please Advise! What Can We Expect from King Charles III?

[Editor’s note: Steve Burgess is an accredited spin doctor with a PhD in Centrifugal Rhetoric from the University of SASE, situated on the lovely campus of PO Box 7650, Cayman Islands. In this space he dispenses PR advice to politicians, the rich and famous, the troubled and well-heeled, the wealthy and gullible.]

Dear Dr. Steve,

Queen Elizabeth II, Britain's longest-serving monarch, has died. Her eldest son Charles is now King Charles III. Your thoughts?

Signed,

Mourning

Dear Mourning,

Dr. Steve expresses his sympathy to the late monarch's family and grieving subjects following a reign unmatched in British history. From Prime Minister Winston Churchill to Prime Minister Liz Truss — quite a historical arc. Queen Elizabeth II served her grateful subjects with dignity and dedication.

Now we enter a new era and new challenges. For many the first challenge will be remembering the words to "God Save the King." It's been a while. Names and titles will also change, although "Bohemian Rhapsody" will still be credited to Queen.

Your age expressed in British monarchs is now probably two. If you're three, you've seen some things, old timer. No doubt scam artists will soon be going door to door collecting outdated $20 bills and promising to mail the new ones. Be vigilant.

For the new king himself, there was the immediate question of choosing a regnal name. It was not automatic that he would become King Charles III. The King Charles franchise had a rather unfortunate start with a public beheading — there's a reason there has never been another Queen Marie Antoinette. Charles II did not exactly preside over a jolly Easter parade either. In 1665 they had the Great Plague; in 1666, London saw the Great Fire.

Charles had the freedom to take any regnal name he chose, although royal watchers suggested choosing Sauron I would be a troubling sign. Some money was on George VII. It's right there on Charles' driver's licence — his full name is Charles Philip Arthur George. Some great options there. Imagine having the stones to style yourself King Arthur. He'd probably have had to accomplish some sort of feat to make that work — pull a sword from a stone, or at least a chew toy from a corgi. The Knights of the Round Social-Distanced Table would then seek to find the Holy Grail — that would be the easy part — then try to get it through the interminable truck lineup at customs. The first King Arthur only had to deal with Sir Mordred. Try battling Brexit.

As it turns out the new monarch has indeed opted for Charles III. Roundheads everywhere will be sharpening their steel. Probably a smart move though — you don't want to give yourself a hard act to follow, and it will be easier shooting for the title of Best King Charles Ever. At worst, he's guaranteed to be in the top three.

The situation must be somewhat unreal for poor Charles. Aside from his grief over losing his beloved mother, there is the shock of a long-delayed role finally assumed. Charles has been waiting so long he must have begun to think the big event would never happen — rather like the experience of reading Moby Dick.

Charles' situation is analogous to that of King Edward VII, son of Queen Victoria. There are key differences of course — unlike Prince Bertie, there is neither evidence nor speculation that Prince Charles has ever been on a first-name basis with the most renowned courtesans of Europe. But they both grew old under the rule of historical titans they knew as Mother. Bertie turned out to be a pretty good king during his relatively brief reign, albeit in a very different age.

And Charles? His personal history and preoccupations offer up a mixed bag. He has championed environmental causes and the dangers of climate change. His charities are varied and active.

On the other hand his promotion of alternative medicine has raised eyebrows — coffee enemas can have that effect — and his grumpy you-kids-get-off-my-lawn attitude to modern architecture has drawn mixed responses. But that could be a path to popularity for the new monarch. His mother famously hung out with James Bond and King Charles III could do worse than to take on the evil works of architect Ernő Goldfinger.

There is one way that Charles III stands alone. There may be no other monarch in British history who ascends the throne while standing in the long shadow of his deceased wife. Do your best, Charles, but understand this — unlike the People's Princess, you will never inspire a musical tribute from Elton John. Yas, queen.