Please Advise! Why Do Masks on Planes No Longer Fly?

[Editor’s note: Steve Burgess is an accredited spin doctor with a PhD in Centrifugal Rhetoric from the University of SASE, situated on the lovely campus of PO Box 7650, Cayman Islands. In this space he dispenses PR advice to politicians, the rich and famous, the troubled and well-heeled, the wealthy and gullible.]

Dear Dr. Steve,

A Florida district judge recently issued a ruling that struck down the CDC's mask mandates for airplanes and public transit. In some instances captured on cell phone video, airline passengers took off their masks in mid-flight when the pilot announced the ruling.

Is this a blow for freedom or a cause for concern?

Signed,

Zorro

Dear Zorro,

At times like these Dr. Steve recalls his idyllic childhood, spent in an undisclosed location. Dr. Steve's mother, Mrs. Dr. Steve, would tell him to brush his teeth. Young Dr. Steve would attempt to worm his way out of this hated task, telling outrageous lies even as his halitosis gave him away. At last though, the happy day dawned when Dr. Steve made a momentous realization — brushing his teeth was something worth doing, not because his mom said so but because it conferred advantages, such as pleasant breath that did not repel attractive classmates. It was a key step toward adulthood.

Today Dr. Steve is amazed to learn that millions of people seem to have missed that step and are unable to grasp that wearing a mask is not something you do only because a sign tells you to. If tomorrow a judge ruled that it is legal to wear bacon-scented cologne in grizzly bear country, what would happen? (Dr. Steve is aware that there is no specific law against wearing bacon-scented cologne wherever you choose, and that doing so is a heroic assertion of free will. Still, recent events suggest a judge's ruling might provide a healthy sales boost. Order yours today!)

Fluctuating mask mandates have been confusing for a lot of people in B.C., across Canada, and in the States. But the Florida judge's ruling provided an unusually stark dividing line. The legal force is removed — what do you do? No more claiming the dog ate your mask! Just breathe in, and breathe out, the viral particles of freedom.

Aside from its practical public health effect, the ruling has focused on the U.S. judiciary and the legacy of Donald Trump. The Mar-a-Lago moron is like an infected house guest — even after you throw him out, dangerous elements are left behind.

So welcome to yet another episode of People You Wish You Didn't Have to Meet. Today it's Florida district court judge Kathryn Kimball Mizelle, appointed by Trump after he lost the election, rated “unqualified” by the American Bar Association having never tried a case as an attorney, and former clerk for Supreme Court Justice Clarence “My Wife Tried to Overthrow the Government and All I Got Was This Lousy Robe” Thomas.

Mizelle ruled that Centers for Disease Control and Prevention had no right to require masks based on her definition of the word “sanitation” in the CDC mandate. Masks, she decided, do not sanitize. They are not like those cute little scrubbing bubbles that race around bathroom tiles fighting germs with a smile and a wink. So what good are they? (Judge Mizelle has also previously expressed a belief that paper money is unconstitutional, so Dr. Steve advises his American friends to stock up on goats and sacks of millet.)

Allowing Trumpists to dictate public health policy is never a good idea. Witness the recent documentary hosted by Tucker Carlson which suggested that men can boost testosterone and reclaim their lost manliness by tanning their testicles. There have been many prescriptions for creating a master race but barbecued scrotums are a new one. As for Judge Mizelle's ruling, it is not likely to survive much longer than a crab louse on a fried testicle, but the damage may already be done. Good luck getting the masks back on now.

The U.S. situation underlines a couple of realities. One, that some people will always regard public health measures like a singing cowboy regards a fence; and two, that in regard to those measures there is little hope of regaining the widespread public buy-in of spring 2020.

Two years on, the streets are crowded, the stadiums full, mask mandates relaxed. The situation has changed, to be sure — vaccines have made a significant difference. We can only guess what the current rates of infection and death would be without them. Yet still the variants march on, taxing both our health facilities and the Greek alphabet, both of which have fallen short. Omicron has been succeeded by Omicron BA2. Apparently they are saving some letters for later. Certainly no one wants to invoke the dreaded Omega, the implications of which would be either hubristic or apocalyptic.

In Vancouver at least, the removal of mandates did not mean the removal of masks. B.C.'s relaxation of mask mandates has been criticized by human rights commissioner Kasari Govender among others. Anecdotally, Dr. Steve's neighbours still seem to be masking up at the grocery store. And while he is not a medical doctor, Dr. Steve is every bit as qualified as Judge Kathryn Mizelle to give advice of a clinical nature. He advises you to keep masking up when indoors in public spaces. Also, avoid Florida. For a lot of reasons.