Please Advise! Should I Invest in Poilicoin?

[Editor’s note: Steve Burgess is an accredited spin doctor with a PhD in Centrifugal Rhetoric from the University of SASE, situated on the lovely campus of PO Box 7650, Cayman Islands. In this space he dispenses PR advice to politicians, the rich and famous, the troubled and well-heeled, the wealthy and gullible.]

Dear Dr. Steve,

Conservative leadership candidate Pierre Poilievre has really been hitting the crypto theme hard. He recently said he wants to make Canada the “crypto and blockchain capital of the world.”

Under Prime Minister Poilievre, will Canada become a hotbed of cryptocurrency?

Signed,

Banksy

Dear Banksy,

Hang on — don't count your crypto before it's coined. Yes, Pierre Poilievre wants Canada to become Crypto Central, but he is up against powerful forces. Enemies are everywhere. Investor Warren Buffett says bitcoin is like “rat poison” for investors. The battle lines are drawn — it's bitcoin vs. Big Coin.

Poilievre persists in his fungible fervour though. “We need to restore sound money and end this multimillennia abuse by leaders and dictators of our cash,” he told supporters at a recent event, adding that Canadians can “opt out of inflation with the ability to opt in to cryptocurrency.”

Stephen Poloz, the former governor of the Bank of Canada, recently told CTV's Evan Solomon that he does not know what Poilievre means by “opt out of inflation.” What shocking ignorance. Clearly, Canada will need to find Bank of Canada governors who understand what Poilievre is talking about.

“Opting out of inflation” does sound reminiscent of other right-wing trends, like the “sovereign citizen” movement. Just as defiant mavericks claim they are not subject to the laws of the land as long as they repeat some mystical quasi-legal formula, Poilievre is offering the prospect of release from the pitiless wheel of capitalism, an end run around the Man via unregulated digital currency. In the crypto era your debts won't be real, they'll be virtual. How will you pay your bills? Well, ask yourself this: does Super Mario ever do any actual plumbing? Exactly.

Politically, Poilievre is definitely onto something. He is taking on the big banks, and bankers are always the bad guys. If you've seen Mary Poppins, you know that. Recall young Michael being pressured to put his tuppence into the Dawes, Tomes, Mousely, Grubbs Fidelity Fiduciary Bank. But Michael wants to give it to the crypto lady who sits on the steps feeding NFPs (Non-Fungible Pigeons). Chaos ensues.

(A side note: A lot of people are confused about NFTs, or Non-Fungible Tokens. Remember, an NFT could be anything — let's say that video of Jason Kenney trying and failing to gas up a truck. Right now anybody can snicker at that clip — anybody, anytime, all day long. But if you bought the NFT, perhaps by shifting sketchy campaign contributions into a shady and untraceable slush fund, you would have complete ownership of it. No one could laugh at it or you ever again and you could defeat your enemies at the upcoming and totally unnecessary United Conservative Party leadership review, battle to an astonishing comeback victory over the sinister Rachel Notley in the provincial election, then crush your enemies at your leisure, starting with whoever came up with that goddamn gas station photo op in the first place. Just to cite one hypothetical NFT scenario.)

Back to Poilievre — he is emblematic of the new breed of right-wing politician. Back in the day the typical Conservatives were those serious, bowler-hatted bankers. Now they are radical freedom fighters. Sober financial rectitude is so Calvin Coolidge. The modern right winger looks to more dynamic role models like Steve Bannon and Charles Ponzi.

Under Poilievre, Canada could become a national laboratory of monetary mutation. Think Poilicoin! And that's just the beginning. Poilievre and his team will no doubt unveil Bean Coin, a magic-bean-shaped currency that you will invest in your backyard, growing a beanstalk that leads to financial and personal freedom.

Expect big changes in government policy and methodology. Right now if someone claiming to be from the Canada Revenue Agency calls you up and warns that you're going to jail if you don't buy a bunch of gift cards and mail them to a certain P.O. Box, you're wise to be suspicious. But after Poilievre wins the next election it will probably be totally legit, so just go with it. Same thing if you are contacted by a foreign prince offering you fabulous wealth. It may seem like a pipe dream today, but in the happy time to come Poilievre is going to make it rain bounteous foreign princes. Bob's our uncle, my friends.

As prime minister, Poilievre will bring Canada up to par with global crypto powers like El Salvador. First though he will have to get elected, and you can help. Make a donation to his campaign today. And none of that crypto crap, either. Hard cash only.