Please Advise! What Uniform Will Canada’s Fentanyl Czar Wear?

[Editor’s note: Steve Burgess is an accredited spin doctor with a PhD in Centrifugal Rhetoric from the University of SASE, situated on the lovely campus of PO Box 7650, Cayman Islands. In this space he dispenses PR advice to politicians, the rich and famous, the troubled and well-heeled, the wealthy and gullible.]

Dear Dr. Steve,

President Trump delayed his threatened 25 per cent tariffs for 30 days. In return Canada promised to appoint a “fentanyl czar.” Former RCMP deputy commissioner Kevin Brosseau has been named to the position. But Trump has announced new tariffs anyway.

Can the new czar help us, Dr. Steve?

Signed,

Nicholas

Dear Nick,

Mr. Brosseau will surely find that being a czar is no Tchaikovsky waltz. A czar or czarina has to dress the part. Hopefully Brosseau still owns some RCMP finery. The best czar candidates are likely officers, hotel door attendants or drag performers. You need a lot of gold braid, shiny buttons, epaulettes, etc. Got to show that fentanyl who's boss.

A lot of people were interested in the job because it seemed it would mostly consist of sitting around, eating Canadian-style Cheezies, bingeing Letterkenny and occasionally yelling out the window, “I better not see any fentanyl heading south! Don't make me put on my shiny uniform and come out there!”

This is not to belittle the very real problem of fentanyl trafficking, which has indeed been a deadly crisis across the country. The ludicrous aspect comes, as usual, from President Donald Trump, who claims Canadian fentanyl is pouring into the United States over the Canadian border, when in fact U.S. customs figures show the annual amount of fentanyl intercepted would not exceed the weight limit for a single checked bag on an Air Canada flight.

But this has not prevented Alberta Premier Danielle Smith and Opposition leader Pierre Poilievre from dancing to the screech of Trump's demented fiddle. If Trump says we have to tighten the border, well, that's what we have to do. If Donald Trump said his bathtub was full of magical leprechauns, Smith would fly to Mar-a-Lago with a big net. If Donald Trump said the problem with Canada is diversity, Poilievre would blame the Liberals and pledge to put a stop to it. He may well do that anyway.

The Conservatives just came out with an anti-fentanyl ad (one that happens to make use of Dr. Steve's hometown of Brandon, Manitoba) to illustrate the losses from fentanyl overdoses. Again, the problem is real. But the timing of the ad is suspect. In highlighting the fentanyl issue now, the Conservatives give every impression of singing from the Trump songbook. That may strike a very sour note with the Canadian electorate.

That certainly appears to be the case as some recent polls have shown the Conservative numbers plunging as fast as Tesla sales figures.

Watching Prime Minister Justin Trudeau respond deftly to Trump's schoolyard bully routine, those who wanted Trudeau gone may now be suffering from hater's remorse. But while either of the leading Liberal candidates to replace Trudeau offers voters the prospect of a leader who will oppose Trump's plan to gobble Canada like a pig snarfles up a pumpkin, Poilievre sometimes sounds more like he'd be ready with a fresh napkin and a dessert menu.

Trump, perhaps spooked by the stock market reaction, initially delayed his proposed 25 per cent tariffs for 30 days, thereby sentencing Canada to the prospect of a month poised beneath the Red Tie of Damocles. And then quickly ended the suspense by announcing tariffs on steel and aluminum. Guess the fentanyl czar also has to be a metal guru. (Smith will no doubt suggest we can placate Trump once again, perhaps by clearing out the Medicine Hat-Swift Current corridor and handing it over as the Saskatchewan Riviera.)

But it's a struggle to keep up with all the crazy. The Thief-in-Chief's proposal for an ethnic cleansing of Gaza to create an American Riviera has already redlined the loony meter — it currently stands unchallenged as the most insane proposal ever articulated by a U.S. president. Trump must have heard somebody say “Free Palestine” and got the wrong idea.

Still, as Trump put it: “Everybody I've spoken to loves the idea of the United States owning that piece of land.”

It raises the question of who Donald Trump speaks to. The answer would seem to be: Benjamin Netanyahu, Lex Luthor, the ghost of Attila the Hun, his Kaiser Wilhelm action figure and the evil little voices in his head. They probably sound a lot like Pete Hegseth.

The entire world must face the fact that a babbling, narcissistic lunatic controls the most powerful military in the world. But lucky us, we get to be right next door. If Trump gets his way, we'll all be Canada goose-stepping pretty soon.

Czar Brosseau will need to have all his buttons.