Please Advise! Who’s to Blame for Soaring Gas Prices?

[Editor’s note: Steve Burgess is an accredited spin doctor with a PhD in Centrifugal Rhetoric from the University of SASE, situated on the lovely campus of PO Box 7650, Cayman Islands. In this space he dispenses PR advice to politicians, the rich and famous, the troubled and well-heeled, the wealthy and gullible.]

Dear Dr. Steve,

I am mad. Gas prices are soaring. Who should I blame?

Signed,

Moto Cross

Dear MC,

Normally, gas prices are the bane of political analysts. They serve as the ultimate demonstration of electoral illogic — a random factor that reliably drives approval ratings down in every political sphere, despite the fact that the politicians in power almost never have anything to do with fuel costs, nor can they do much more than express sympathy and shake their fists at big, bad oil companies.

But once again Donald Trump proves he is one of a kind. There’s never been anyone like him. If you don't believe it, just ask Trump. He’s incredible, unbelievable, like no one has ever seen before. With chaos reigning in the Strait of Hormuz, Trump is proving once again he is sui generis. Once you explain to him that’s not some kind of sugar-free Swiss granola, the U.S. president would surely agree.

As usual when gas prices spike, people are looking for someone to blame. And there he stands. It's so rare that a single person can take on the full responsibility for siphoning your RRSP into your gas tank. Joe Biden couldn't. Barack Obama couldn't. Only Donald Trump can truly say, “See that? See the pump meters spinning as though powered by coked-up gerbils? I did that. Me. Donald J. Trump.”

Ordinarily, blaming one man for high gas prices is a dirty trick. Not this time. Trump and pump are like cat and litter box. Your fuel budget might as well be the Epstein files for all the grimy Trump fingerprints on it.

Motorists watching those pump dials roll like Satan’s slot machine know very well that the president's attack on Iran is responsible. Planned with all the careful consideration of a stoner’s Snickers purchase, the Iran attack is perhaps Trump’s signature initiative. It has given him a glorious opportunity to display his unique perspective to the fullest. He combines the attention span of a caffeinated goldfish, the clueless egotism of a newly promoted nepo baby and the intellect of a damaged Commodore 64, all stuffed into a skin bag that appears to be leaching fermented soybeans.

If one can mine grim laughter from such a serious situation, it was amusing to see Trump belatedly call upon European allies for support with his impulse war.

After tariffs, insults and invasion threats, Trump turned on the batshit signal and demanded NATO assistance. Thus we see Trump’s Art of the International Deal: “Screw you, screw you, screw you, HELP!” The boy who cried tariffs is now crying the blues. Maybe the Strait of Hormuz could issue a special permit for a big freighter full of tissues.

But Trump knew this would happen. At a Monday appearance he said: “I knew the strait would be a weapon. I predicted it a long time ago. I predicted all of this stuff.”

He’s admitting it? Trump aimed the pistol at his own foot, knew his toes would scatter like spilled macaroni and still fired? George W. Bush had “Mission Accomplished.” Donald Trump has “I meant to do that.”

At times like these we discover how far we have to go with decarbonization. Inflation is certain to climb along with transportation costs, proving there's still a disturbing amount of oil in our food. Perhaps we owe the U.S. president a big thank you for highlighting our dangerous reliance on oil, thus helping drive the transition to a sustainable future. Donald Trump and Russian President Vladimir Putin, environmental heroes. After all, they say every major air crash leads to improved safety features. In that sense, Trump and Putin are a couple of Hindenburgs on a collision course.

In the end, though, it’s all rather depressing. The pointless war, yes. But also the reminder of just what it takes to move the political needle these days.

To review: Donald Trump attempted to violently overturn an election. A civil jury found him liable for sexual assault. There is testimony in the Epstein files alleging his sexual assault of a 13-year-old. He’s a convicted felon and wealthy draft dodger who referred to military veterans as “suckers and losers,” a white supremacist, more corrupt than a Russian arms dealer, a man drunk on his own signature cocktail of megalomania and narcissistic imbecility, utterly lacking in decency or empathy and possessing the morals of a tapeworm, a Don who has staffed the highest levels of American government with incompetent lickspittles and psychopaths, all engaged in an ongoing attempt to destroy democracy and the rule of law.

And what's the greatest political threat Trump is likely to face? High gas prices.

Politics.