Life

A Tyee Series

My Quest for an Indie Wedding

I'm walking off the beaten aisle.

By Jenn Farrell, 21 Mar 2007, TheTyee.ca

Heart Banner

Something green, blue, handmade, new.

Text size:

Rate this:

Login/Register

Also in this series:
Guilt-Free Hedonist

Full disclosure -- I've been married once before. Obviously, it didn't work out and there's no need to go into detail, but let's just say the wedding itself was a pretty good indicator of how things were going to play out. Despite my cringes at the memory of that disaster-riddled day, one friend still insists it's the best wedding she's ever been to. Too bad "unintentionally hilarious" wasn't the theme I'd been going for.

Nearly 14 years later, I have a much better sense of what I want -- and don't want -- in my second wedding this August. While rigid formality is not the goal (nor is the price tag that goes with it), neither is a disorganized booze-fest. I wanted something that could reconcile my love of all things pink and "girly" with my feminist sensibilities. I wanted to create a sense of occasion that had personal relevance by doing a lot of things myself. I wanted a green wedding, as opposed to using mass-produced, disposable plastic crap. And I didn't want to go too far down the Martha road either, and make our guests feel like they're the set dressing in our magazine photo shoot.

So maybe it's surprising, or naive, that I registered for the annual Wedding Fair at the Westin Bayshore last month. It sounded like an easy one-stop shop. Instead, we got a peek inside the world of the wedding cult. Because if a cult is defined as a group that controls its members through psychological and financial means, has an overbearing devotion to a person or idea, requires its members to suspend their own critical judgement, and uses group pressure, coercion and the withholding of information, then we're just lucky to have missed the Kool-Aid booth.

Fun is too inexpensive

Cultish devotion to the idea of "the perfect wedding" was everywhere. Magazine covers, brochures and signage splashed the p-word around more than any other -- more than spectacular, more than intimate, and way more than fun, an adjective that, in retrospect, I can't recall seeing even once.

And no wonder. Fun is something that everyone defines for themselves. You can have fun without spending four grand on a photographer or covering otherwise acceptable chairs in yards of tulle and organza ribbons. Perfection, on the other hand, is something defined by "the experts." And it's a moving goalpost where you're always just one more dollar (or thousand) away from reaching it.

After a dizzying day of fashion shows (featuring faux wedding parties, complete with creepy child-models wearing tiny tuxes), filling out entry forms (presented in an inch-thick bundle), and picking up pamphlets, we were done in. The groom-to-be was especially downtrodden, and I could see the tempting lure of a quick elopement behind his glazed eyes. I soon realized the source of his fatigue when he took a bathroom break and handed over the two shopping bags he'd been lugging. The straps dug deep into my fingers, and I looked down at what felt like twenty pounds of promotional paper. I vowed to switch every bulb in the house to a compact fluorescent to offset the environmental impact.

And after all that, we didn't feel like we were any further ahead in our decision making.

In the days that followed, I recycled most of the pamphlets and did some thorough online research. I'm all for personalization, but one false move and you're one of those greasy-haired weirdos from TLC's A Wedding Story, subjecting your guests to a three-hour Civil War re-enactment.

Perfection-free markets

So I was chuffed to discover that a new wedding fair would be setting up shop in Mount Pleasant at the end of January. Called "Virsouq," it promised alternatives for the modern, "indie" bride. Here would be the local, green retailers and service providers I'd been looking for, all in my neighbourhood for one day!

And then, just as I was getting ready to buy my tickets, it was gone. "Postponed," read the website. But I wasn't about to let it go that easily, so I tracked down Laura Ballay, the show's organizer, to find out what happened.

Recently, after she and her partner moved back to Vancouver, Ballay spent some free time looking at online resources for Lower Mainland brides. What she found was a dearth of options and a frustrated group of women who feel that the wedding cult hasn't kept pace with the tastes and needs of modern, non-traditional and green brides. "The 'princess story' doesn't fit in any more," says Ballay. More and more people are looking to get married in unconventional ways -- and those are the weddings that we, as guests, will remember."

She says Vancouver is known for its thriving local markets and strong independent retailers -- Portobello West, fashion, crafts, farmers' markets and Christmas fairs, for example. "People here accept that you don't need to go the mainstream route." But there was nothing at all for weddings. "And there are so many kinds of weddings -- non-traditional commitment ceremonies, elopements, gay and lesbian -- so I thought, maybe I should do something about that!"

High low vows

Ballay hoped to offer a mix of high- and low-budget options, as well as handcrafted and locally made goods and services that couldn't be found at mass-market fairs. Instead of cornball bridal fashion shows, Virsouq would have ongoing demonstrations and workshops in flower arrangement, invitation making, and so on.

But while feedback from many small, local retailers was positive, many were reluctant to participate. "A lot of vendors didn't want to sign up or get involved until they could see one first, or at least see who else had committed," she says. This lead to a lack of mix (she heard from a lot of photographers, for example, but no caterers), combined with what Ballay admits was a lack of lead-time. It was the beginning of the end for Virsouq.

Recently, a new I Heart Indie Weddings fair was announced for January 2008 in Seattle. But alas that's a bit long to wait. So I'm out on my own again. After reviewing the jaw-dropping prices for local venues, the whole affair has been moved to a friend's backyard in Maple Ridge. We'll rent a couple of tents in case it rains, use my mother's mismatched tablecloths, and we've chosen a florist and caterer who are both known for their charitable works in the community. My fiancé's music connections helped us secure an awesome local band. My crafty friends will be helping me make inexpensive invitations and centerpieces. Décor will be provided by everyone digging their Christmas-tree lights out of the garage. I'm making the wedding cupcakes myself. Logistically, it's turning out to be more complicated than I thought. But lurking on website forums and message boards has helped a lot -- sometimes with real ideas, and sometimes just to have a laugh at how ridiculous the whole industry really is.

So far, my one concession to wedding mania has been my dress. After initially refusing to set foot in a bridal boutique, but not having much luck elsewhere, I fell hard for a strapless retro-looking fitted gown in ivory silk. (The saleswoman assured me that the dress, with a train and lace-up back was "informal" enough to wear again. Where will I wear it -- to my coronation?) Given the relative simplicity of the rest of our day, I'm probably going to look a bit over-the-top. And as it turns out, that suits me just fine.

Related Tyee stories:

[Tyee]

Jenn Farrell is a Vancouver–based freelance writer and editor. Her first book, Sugar Bush and Other Stories, is out now from Anvil Press.

14 Comments:

Login or register to post comments

  • Yammer

    4 years ago

    right on

    Congrats on re-upping. Marriage is an ideal state, a cult that works. Unless it doesn't.

    I'm going to post this over at the 3-Day Novel board (www.booktelevision.com -- Jenn is one of the judges there).

  • shepherdess

    4 years ago

    The wedding industry -

    The wedding industry -
    aargh!

    Kudos to you, Jenn, for doing it (more or less) yourself. Why oh why do we all think that unless professionals tell us how to do it it just can't be done "correctly"?

    A wedding is SUPPOSED to be personal - it only needs two people to make it go. Ok, I'll admit to make it "legal" you need an "officiator" & a couple of witnesses, but all that other stuff - non-essential.

    Good excuse for a party with your friends, which, as you've decided, you can do without anyone (wedding planners - my GAWD! - what a scary concept) holding your hand.

    Backyard = good; family & friends chipping in = good; sure, have the flowers & food done by pros = huge weight off your own shoulders.

    I got an overwhelming idea of what was involved in a "traditional" (code word for contrived & expensive) wedding when my sister got married (and I've got the dusty rose, ribbons & bows-bedecked, crinoline-lined princess style bridesmaid dress lurking in the back of my closet to prove it - a seamstress was hired to make those hideous dresses and why I'm keeping it I still don't know - it's been in there 20+ years & the only time I remember it is when my daughter begs to be allowed to try it on, poor misguided child that she is ... ooops, I'm digressing ...) - ANYWAY - it ended up in tears all around, the stress was enormous by W-day for all concerned and it was horribly expensive - it ran way over-budget, as these productions tend to do.

    They're still married, anyway.

    Just as married as I am, who really did things on the cheap (we were extremely young & poor, kind of like now - except for the young part, sigh ...)

    We had a church wedding - present were myself, spouse-to-be, 3 parents, 1 grandparent, 1 witness each plus significant other of each witness, pastor & pastor's wife. No guests. The ring cost $50 (simple gold band). My one extravagance was a bouquet of champagne roses, plus my wedding outfit which was a gift from my mom (lovely ivory skirt & blouse I wore "for good" for years afterward - until baby #1 changed my figure irretrievably, in fact.)

    The next day we had a big informal get-together at my folk's place with everyone chipping in with food etc. (We'd made the cake ourselves a few days before, all sitting around the kitchen table joking & "helping"; spouse-to-be in the thick of things, sampling & giving constructive advice.)

    Some people were initially a bit put out that we hadn't had a traditional "everybody in the church-reception to follow" ceremony, but they all admitted that it was way more relaxed & enjoyable to do it the next day.

    The only thing more low key would have been a real elopement, but heck, we WANTED to share this occasion with friends and family but we just couldn't handle the stress & expense of doing it "by the book".

    It's your day - be happy. Before, during and after. ("Your" means your spouse-to-be, too. Something I think some perfection-seeking brides might forget.)

    "Perfect" doesn't exist, no matter how hard wedding mags, boutiques, fairs & planners strive to sell the concept. Buying into the idea that it is actually attainable (let alone purchasable!) is maybe why something like 50% of marriages end in divorce.

    A marriage is about two people. Period. Focus on that first & all else will gain proper perspective.

    Taking my granny hat off, now - lecture over.

  • G West

    4 years ago

    sounds like my wedding shepherdess

    $150 all in - including rings $30 for two - from an estate sale jeweller on Douglas Street. As close to 'perfect' as such things get...as you point out, the hard part starts after the ceremony is over.

    Never understood why folks with that kind of money to throw around couldn't understand what was wrong with such utter wastefulness and why those without the money wanted to start their marriages in the hole.

  • Roberta

    4 years ago

    I know I'm bitter but...

    tell me again why people get married?

  • G West

    4 years ago

    maybe Roberta 45

    'Cause it seemed like a good idea at the time'

    My best guess.

  • Gerhardius

    4 years ago

    Small is relative(s)

    My partner and I wanted a small, informal wedding with just immediate family and a few friends. My family alone put us into the low 30's, and we ended up with 45 guests. We had the event at the home of a (now deceased) friend, and a relative who is in fine dining arranged the food. We spent 3 wonderful hours with family and friends, including a brief ceremony with a marriage commissioner, and left around 5PM for the ferry. We carried a cooler of leftover food and enjoyed an impromptu picnic near Nanaimo with two dear friends. The day was truly special, but very low key and unweddingish for the most part. We spent about $700 including a short honeymoon on the island.

    My parents had a very small ceremony shortly after WW 2 ended. Dad was on his way to join a destroyer in Esquimalt after leaving his ship in Halifax. He had two weeks leave and was planning on spending it with my mum. They were not officially engaged, mum had lost a fiance earlier in the war and no matter how hard he tried she would not consider getting engaged to someone who would be in combat again. When Japan surrendered he sent a telegram from Montreal essentially asking mum to marry him. When the train reached Kamloops he was astonished to see his family getting onboard. He hurried through the train and found his parents. The greetings aside, he asked where they were going and they answered: "Victoria for your wedding."

    They arrived in Victoria and my parents were married a few days later. They had both sets of parents there, my dad's youngest brother, mum's maid of honour, and Dad's best man. There were nine of them and a priest. The reception was held at my mum's parent's house on Durban street but it was kept small.

  • G West

    4 years ago

    The honeymoon

    I should have included that in the cost figure. Borrowed my wife's father's car - one night in Nanaimo and the next day at Cameron Lake, then back to Victoria. Add, say $175. max. We found the flowers in a neighbour’s yard and they let us pick a big bouquet of them gratis.

    Still seems pretty fine to me - we even have a few pictures (just snaps, no fancy dan photographer).

    If I had to do it over, I wouldn't change a thing.

    How is your brother doing?

  • arielmeadow

    4 years ago

    Yup, it's a bridentity crisis

    Yay! One more independently-minded bride to join the battle against "white blindness" -- that feeling you get when you walk into any sort of wedding event and all you can see is white taffeta and fluff and 5-tier cakes and other overpriced awfulness.

    If I might, I'd love to get you a copy of my book, Offbeat Bride ... it was written for women just like you. Smarties who know what they want, and know that it's NOT some sort of princess fantasy day where they ride around in a carriage and spend $30k on an afternoon party.

  • Gerhardius

    4 years ago

    my brother and something funny

    He is doing ok thanks. He is near the end of the first set of chemo and then they are going to compare his stats to the baseline. Overall, his oncologist is no longer thinking about the lower end of life expectancy. He is back working in the garden when the weather allows, but he only has about 4 hours maximum of energy a day. The wonderful thing is how much support he has had from the various health care and related services since the diagnosis. In spite of all the bad experiences I know of, and all the good, his treatment makes up for a lot of ills because it is so personal. I doubt it will get easy to think about, but as the youngest I have always known that some of my siblings would predecease me. I imagine the first one always seems too soon.

    Another update: we got our car back after the accident in February. Returning the rental car took no time and we walked to the repair shop to pick up our car. ICBC did their usual job on this one, leaving damage un-repaired claiming it is unrelated to the accident. We noticed one area on a previous inspection and it was fixed, but somehow they fixed the damage to the door sill but not the door! That is ok, doesn't make the car un-drivable but it is something we want fixed. The serious problem is that the electrical system is completely Harpered: no turn signals, running lights that won't turn off and other oddities. These were all noted on the forms, and ICBC essentially said "prove it was a result of the accident." The funny thing is that we needed a jump start to get it home and some rough calculations make the odds of it starting again without a jump pretty long. Now we need to get the electrical system checked out at our own expense.

    The truly ridiculous part is that the repairs have already gone beyond the "total loss warning" according to ICBC's paperwork. One mechanic commented that he believed repairing the remaing body damage alone would make it a "total loss." It is nearing the level of a low rent Kafka imitator's first self-published effort. We actually called to rent a car tomorrow morning from the place we dropped our rental off at today. It has truly been a fight, and the only thing that makes it tolerable in the slightest is that neither of us were seriously injured.

  • G West

    4 years ago

    So glad to hear the positive news

    So glad to hear the positive news about your brother.

    My wife lost her older brother quite suddenly when he was barely 40 ....it is always a shock. I hope the improvement continues and his energy doubles and redoubles soon as well.

    I have a friend who's gone through the treatment for multiple myeloma who's also doing very well about 2 1/2 years after the initial diagnosis.

    Your car story is far less promising and, given the source of the accidental damage I can only say it's a good thing neither you nor your wife was hurt or you'd be left to ICBC's tender mercies for that as well.

    Let's hope the sun comes out soon for more than an hour. I think we may have had enough rain.

  • rockerbiff

    4 years ago

    My partner and I are having

    My partner and I are having a green wedding at the end of June. We are heading over to Bowen Island to get married in the presence of a 1000 year old growth fir tree. My partner is pretty good with a sewing machine and she is creating her own dress and a jacket for me.

    She also went up to some of the bridal stores near Hastings and Boundary and was astounded at the prices and the lack of choice in regard to materials etc.

    I'll get her to post here and give you an update.

    Great article.

  • SecretChef

    4 years ago

    Went to Vegas but didn't get married there

    My dress was from a Prom-Discount-Shop in Vegas. Since it was a second wedding for each of us, the whole white-dress-thing was unnecessary. Our kids got up early and decorated the Aquabus Rainbow Hunter for us, and we spent a lovely hour cruising False Creek with our family, a photographer, and our marriage commissioner, Marilyn. Lunch at Monk's (they have an Aquabus dock) followed. We headed to the Market at Granville Island to take a few pictures inside, because it was a wet, cold, rainy day. A wonderful day. Our friends are still waiting (nearly 2 years!) for us to have our "reception". Would love to have a party, but it's hard to decide whom to invite, and whom not. My first wedding (over 25 yrs ago) was the typical 70s tux, gown, big-hair, floppy hat sort. With 200+ guests. Also a fun time, but not to be repeated.

  • yourleader

    4 years ago

    Going down that same road....

    My fiance and I are going to get married next year. Although we would like to pay next to nothing for our wedding, we both have very close - and medium-sized - families that bring our total to no less than 70 people. (It looks like friends wil have to sit the reception out based on that.) I am very happy to know there are enough couples out there seeking unique, somewhat DIY alternative weddings like us. My brother is doing our invitation cards. We are handmaking RSVPs and maps. We are getting wedding pies instead of a cake (we much prefer the taste of pies). We will be getting married out in an outdoor spot in Stanley Park with only a small amount of family. No wedding planners. No professional photographers. No DJs or bands (not that they are always a bad thing). A good meal at one of our favourite restaurants, who are kosher with local, seasonal and sustainable.

    The more cliche the wedding the more forgettable it is. Inviting too many guests makes the event about company not intimacy. Focusing more on your wants and not everyone else's makes it your wedding.

  • IHeartIndieWeddings

    4 years ago

    Exactly!

    As one of the producers of I Heart Indie Weddings, you are exactly what we are looking for!

    Thank you for the great article (and the mention!). Eventhough, our event will be after your nuptials, I Heart Indie Weddings will definately be in Vancouver in the near future!

    Cheers,

    i heart team!

    • No best comments selected by an editor for this story yet. To see all comments, click the All Comments tab, above.
    • The discussion for this story is closed. No more comments can be added.