Opinion

Two Thumbs Up for a Summer Election

I want one. C'mon, you do too.

By Bill Tieleman, 23 Jun 2009, TheTyee.ca

ignatieffthumbsup.png

'Iggy' doesn't actually want one.

"I don't want an election. Canadians don't want an election." -- Federal Liberal leader Michael Ignatieff

I'm a political pundit -- it's just what I do.

So when I heard very disturbing reports that there might not be a federal election this summer I sprang into action.

Canada doesn't want an election? Canada needs an election, dammit!

How else can we pundits pontificate endlessly about the horse race, trash the parties' campaigns, belittle the candidates and look oh-so-smart while doing it?

And what else would Canadians have to talk about? The weather? Don't make me sick!

Should we talk about Saskatchewan? The place so flat that when your dog runs away from home you can still see him for three days? Give me a break!

Anyway, I knew there was only one organized crime group that could pull off this no-election caper -- the Parliament Hill Gang!

I had my enforcers in the press gallery round 'em up for questioning, only this time there'd be no scrum, no spin and no film at six.

The Parliament Hill Gang -- quite the collection they are -- have taken more money from innocent Canadians than if Al Capone, Ronald Biggs and Bernie Madoff joined forces!

Horse race list

Here's the rundown.

Giles "Frenchy" Duceppe: calls his Bloc Quebecois election campaign plane "Deb-o-naire" -- too cute by demi.

And there's Jack "The Stache" Layton. Who ever thunk an NDP leader would become hero to every used car dealer in the country?

Layton's about as trustworthy with your family silverware -- he'd nationalize Tim Hortons if he could get away with it.

But those two guys are small potatoes. The Liberal opposition leader is the one who wants to take over the gang.

Heeeeere's Iggy

They call him Michael "Count Iggy" Ignatieff. Also known as "The Professor" and "That American Guy".

Then the gang boss -- for now -- Stephen "Thugsy" Harper. AKA "Little Stevie Blunder" and "Helmet Hair".

No election, eh? Who's wise idea was that?

I grilled 'em like a sockeye salmon on Canada Day.

"Who’s holdin' out on callin' an election? Talk, or I send you out to a media scrum wearing another hair net!" I threatened Duceppe.

"Mais, je ne connais pas, rien," he whimpered.

"Don't know nuttin', eh?" I sneered, showing him my command of our other official language.

I didn't even bother with Layton -- once he starts talkin' he never shuts up.

Iggy was smilin' like a Cheshire cat and Harper, well, I could just tell somethin' was up between those two.

Call it

"Listen you punks, Canada needs an election this summer -- I got nuttin' to write about," I yelled.

They looked down at their feet like choir boys caught smokin'. They knew I was right.

"Sorry -- what was we thinkin' bout?" Iggy replied, dropping his usual pompous pronouncements.

"I dunno what came over me," Harper added. "This cooperation crap is stoopid!"

I decided to go easy on 'em.

"I'm gonna give you till September to call an election on a count of I'm a charitable kinda guy," I said. "But I tell youse, any more deals and my press gallery goons will rub out the lot of you -- now get outta my sight!"

It's a tough job some days but hey, I'm a political pundit -- it's what I do.

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24  Comments:

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  • buccaneer bay

    2 years ago

    Bill T and the Tyee..........

    If this passes for journalism,insight or even humour............

    I think Wilfred could of done better.

    Maybe it`s time for regular posters to submit stories.

  • peasant43

    2 years ago

    Hmmmmmmm

    About the Tyee

    "We're dedicated to publishing lively, informative news and views, not dumbed down fluff."

  • realisticman

    2 years ago

    Back to the board-drawing, Bill

    "Deb-o-naire"

    could work as De Bon Aire, (Of/the good air).

    "...je ne connais pas..." The verb connaitre is ONLY used for persons/people. Should, and only can, be 'je ne sais pas rien', ("I don't know [anything]").

  • MichaelT

    2 years ago

    i hope no one paid for that

    i hope no one paid for that with legal tender.

  • nmboudin

    2 years ago

    Most don't care about elections

    The truth is, as evidenced by the last provincial election, BC by-elections, and federal election, people don't care about or believe in elections.

    Thanks in some small part to the efforts of self-admitted pundit Bill Tieleman, who led a fictitious and hyperbolic campaign against STV, the only chance for a change in this situation has passed us by for now.

  • seth

    2 years ago

    Therapy Bill

    You need it and do us all a favor - stay out of comedy clubs.

  • ReeferMadness

    2 years ago

    Bill's improving

    It's not witty, it's not informational, it's not anything, really. Still, it's less offensive than the last few smear jobs we've seen from him.

    So, here's some encouragement, Bill. Have a cookie.

  • AH HA

    2 years ago

    Count Iggy of Lino

    Whoring about for the war chest, is all I see for the immediate future. When Count Iggy has enough money and points his Lieberal ideals shall soar once again! In the interim, his decree is, bend over Canada!

  • Wilfred Laurier

    2 years ago

    Bill.....

    "I'm a political pundit -- it's just what I do."

    Stay with what you are good at, Bill, shilling in the hope future "communications" contracts.

  • Eugene Hunt

    2 years ago

    That was worse than Tsakumis

    You have taken away from the lives of everyone who read this. Stop.

  • For a better world

    2 years ago

    nmboulin is bang on

    "...the efforts of self-admitted pundit Bill Tieleman, who led a fictitious and hyperbolic campaign against STV, the only chance for a change in this situation has passed us by for now."

  • realisticman

    2 years ago

    Oh Iggy, we hardly know ya!

    The Count counted and the numbers just weren't there.

    This Russian ain't rushin.

    Here's Andrew Potter's take:

    http://www.ottawacitizen.com/opinion/Rough+times+Ignatieff/1719493/story.html

  • BC Mary

    2 years ago

    Bill, you've got work to do for BC Rail Day this summer

    Quote:

    "Listen you punks, Canada needs an election this summer -- I got nuttin' to write about," I yelled.

    Well, Bill, I did enjoy your send-up, but now I want to tell you that there's plenty for you to write about this summer.

    Over at my place, I had to build a schedule of Basi-Virk stuff, all of it leading up to a mysterious 5-month period between September 2009 and February 2010 when all the Basi Virk lawyers have booked off all other cases ... so ... it looks like the Trial of the Century for British Columbians is getting ready to roll out.

    But even before then, there's more work for you to do.

    July 14, 2009 is the crucial 5th anniversary of Gordo's government signing away BC Rail to CN. That's BC Rail Day. If rumours are correct, this 5th anniversary triggers some rich new gifts from the people of BC to CN, like the waterfront lands between North Vancouver and Squamish, a gift, for $1.

    Another clause (so I've heard) entitles BC to re-possess their railway if it's found that CN hasn't fulfilled its part of the bargain. And if another rumour is correct -- CN has failed to bring in 600 new railcars -- the people of BC have this one-time-only option to take back BC Rail.

    Except, (and here's where your work heats up, Bill) how can we exercise an option if we still can't see the agreements?

    It just ain't right, Bill, that for 5 years we've never seen the deal, don't really know what we got into, and that once again we're sliding into another one of those grey areas where Gordo's best friends emerge richer, and BC poorer.

    In fact, I've been wondering if Gordo wasn't so much worried about the two election dates, as about this 5th anniversary date. So you have stuff to write about, Bill, oh yes.

    Kootcoot had a brilliant idea of seeking an injunction to stop the triggering and prevent any further gifts until we get to see the deal, and are assured that there's no hanky panky involved in the BC Rail deals.

    So if you follow up on all these BC Rail issues, you're gonna be running harder than that dog trying to get out of sight of his prairie homestead.

    .

  • dave49

    2 years ago

    On Harper's watch...

    Things continue to disappear on Harper's watch:
    >Nortel (not his fault, but dissolved on his watch)
    >Canada's radioisotope business-Harper has told the world we're abandoning a business that was a 50 year success story.
    >CANDU - will not survive privatization as it has too high a cost structure. It cannot compete against a highly refined French design.

    However, we continue to be hewers of wood, diggers of minerals and metals, and producers of natural and synthetic oil. Add that to the dramatic restructuring of the auto industry and we seem to be going backwards.

  • DPL

    2 years ago

    No election folks. Iggy

    No election folks. Iggy hasn't enough candidates in place, or enough money. Harper is so glad because he feels he in is charge and will grovel if necessary to stay there. So the offical silly summer season is here.

  • realisticman

    2 years ago

    Holding his chips

    Part leaders usually are given two big chips to play and only one at a time.

    You play one on the red and it comes up blue, then you only have one left. Just one chance to become Prime Minister.

    Governments are generally voted out because of dissatisfaction and voted in by default. Canadians are not yet sufficiently dissatisfied and the 'star' power of the saviour Iggy is not burning brightly enough.

    Iggy must now be facing the unfortunate truth that he must wish for worse economic times and for Canadians to suffer in order for him to slip in based on voters desperate hope.

  • alive

    2 years ago

    tieleman a plant?

    I have yet to see Tieleman write anything complimentary about the NDP or its leaders.
    Still he claims to be a NDP supporter, sound more like an infiltrator to me

  • freebear

    2 years ago

    Waste of Space this article!

    Canadian s do not want a summer election and readers of the Tyee do not want another ego driven article like this one.

    Canadians may want ice cream this summer!

    As for pundits.......

  • Tieleman

    2 years ago

    Tieleman replies to his predictable critics

    Interesting that 10 negative comments all get posted within about 1 hour - and as soon as this was published on the Tyee late last night!

    Interesting that several of the posters are the "usual suspects" who disagree vehemently with everything I write from an obvious political bent!

    Fortunately I have a thick skin and a soft spot for the folks who work day and night posting messages here and elsewhere, perhaps as part of their well-paid duties pushing PABlum from Victoria.

    Anyway, lighten up folks - trashing me for attempting to be humorous will only encourage me to get nasty again with your favourite government!

  • buccaneer bay

    2 years ago

    Rman............

    [OFFENSIVE COMMENT REMOVED. -MODERATOR.]

  • freebear

    2 years ago

    Get nasty about erased e-mails!

    So get back to work and forget about federal politics for awhile!

    BC Railgate!

    Erased e-mails!

    As the Church Lady says, "how convenient"!

  • Skywalker

    2 years ago

    I for one thought Bill had a point.

    We all say we hate elections but when we don't have one there seems little to talk about. Even Luke and R/man have had little to say except some version of "i told you so" and that wear pretty thin after a while. We only have a potential for change when there is an e;election going on. It is a funny paradox.

  • Whiskey reef

    2 years ago

    Bill T

    There is plenty to talk about...

    Summer camp funding cuts.

    Condom van cuts.

    Paramedic strike.

    13 Schools schedualed to be closed in Kamloops this year,Campbell said he was going to protect health and education.

    The recognition act.

    Kash heed`s flip flop.

    Golden ears bridge boondoggle.

    1.9 billion dollar cost over-run on the Canada line.

    The appeal launched against Susan Heyes.

    BC,s declining tourism,falling provincial revenue.

    The world bank/IMF--Have predicted a economic decline of 2.9% worldwide for this year and no recovery a few years,and considering our economy relies on exports,it spells big trouble for BC,the new HAVE-NOT-PROVINCE

    Do you need a few more ideas,I`m sure the Tyee faithful can come up with many more thoughts.

  • G West

    2 years ago

    God, if only this were true

    Part(sic) leaders usually are given two big chips to play and only one at a time. ... Just one chance to become Prime Minister.

    If your musings had any basis in reality we'd already have piped Harper off the stage....

    But, in the end, it doesn't matter a damn which party wins the next election - red/blue - whatever.

    Iggy and Pee Wee are so much alike it's hardly surprising they get along so well.

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