Please Advise! Stephen Harper Wants to Get Lucky

[Editor’s note: Steve Burgess is an accredited spin doctor with a PhD in Centrifugal Rhetoric from the University of SASE, situated on the lovely campus of PO Box 7650, Cayman Islands. In this space he dispenses PR advice to politicians, the troubled and well-heeled, the wealthy and gullible.]

Dear Dr. Steve,

As 2014 begins I take this opportunity to wish you a Harper New Year. The preceding was a joke and should not be taken out of context or misrepresented for political gain.

It seems to me that 2014 will be a good year. Or better, at least. 2013 was -- what was that Latin phrase Her Majesty once used? -- a horrible anus. Everything was going wrong and at every turn I was let down by my friends (by which I mean people whom I nod at in the halls but who have never told me anything of importance).

In 2013 I frequently heard a group called Daft Punk. (I believe I may have misunderstood what this "punk music" is all about. I like it! Laureen and I are quite the "punkers" now.) Anyway, this song explains that it is necessary to stay up all night in order to "get lucky." Do you think this is true? If so it would explain a great deal since Laureen and I are very much the early-to-bed types. Could it be that if I were to begin 2014 by staying up past 10 my luck might change? If I were to imbibe an after-dinner Diet Coke every night is it possible that Mike Duffy might take out membership in the Liberal Party and Thomas Mulcair might appear in a YouTube video wrestling an elderly pensioner for the last bottle of beard lube? I have to change my luck somehow.

Yours in punk,

The Right Honourable Stephen Harper

Dear Steve,

You know, your Steveness, 2013 hasn't been all bad for you. In almost any other year the Senate shenanigans of Mike Duffy, Patrick Brazeau, Pamela Wallin and Mark Harb would have been the clear-cut political story of the year. Not 2013. It was a year when a person had to really practice some five-star malfeasance just to get camera time. Mayor Rob Ford dominated the evening news like Zdeno Chara on the boards. Ford is such a hot property that Rogers has locked up exclusive broadcast rights -- from now on CBC News will be forced to report Toronto Deputy Mayor Norm Kelly engaging in city council disputes with "a large, inebriated Caucasian male." Next time Dennis Rodman visits Canada he's sure as hell not going to be hanging around with you, Prime Minister. (That's a good thing.) You could have spent the year robbing trains like your great-great uncle Remus and few would have noticed. Be honest -- that catchy "Ford More Years" slogan is your work, no?

Still, it was not a good year for you, I know. The polls show it. These days you're as popular as Phil Robertson at a Gay Pride parade.

Does it give you some small comfort to know that you are not alone in your misfortune? Shed a tear for poor NDP boss Thomas Mulcair. He certainly shed tears for you in 2013, Prime Minister, although it's true he was laughing at the time. Throughout the Senate scandal Mulcair has proved himself the Bearded Avenger of Question Period, expertly skewering you and your party like Zorro dispatching a gaggle of hapless banditos. And what is his reward for all this good work? The Liberals lead the polls.

Mulcair is discovering that politics can be like Quidditch, the nonsensical sport of the Harry Potter books and films. In that magical game players ride around on brooms trying to throw a ball through a ring and stop the other team from doing the same. After this goes on for a long while a little golden ball suddenly appears. Capture the ball and you win the game. Meaning all that previous activity was utterly pointless -- rather like scoring points in Question Period.

Nobody loves an assassin. Mulcair kills you in Parliament, which leaves you dead and Mulcair a killer. Winner: Justin Trudeau. As some bad dude said in Iron Man 3: "The early bird gets the worm but the second mouse gets the cheese."

But enough about your luckless foes, Prime Minister. This is about you and how you can have a better 2014. And I'd say your Daft Punk pals have the right idea. Once you start staying up long enough to watch Peter Mansbridge you are halfway to a new life as a rock 'n' roll musician. At last November's Conservative convention in Calgary you appeared on stage to tickle the keyboards and sing some tunes (although it seems telling that you avoided one of your former concert favourites, With a Little Help From My Friends. And since it was a friendly crowd, no one requested Fool on the Hill).

A new year could mean a new life. Did you know that Gene Simmons of Kiss used to be an elementary school teacher? You too could make that big career switch -- slap on some make-up, pierce a few appendages and start rocking out on punk classics like "The Hockey Song" and "Afternoon Delight." Think about it, Stevie Rotten. Say goodbye to Ottawa and 2014 could be the year we all get lucky.