Canada? Oh, We're Bad

Dear World,

OK, so we know that when you thought of us before, if you thought about us at all that is, you thought: "Aren't they nice, those Canadians, living in that big cold empty country with trees and mountains and moose."

We're writing to let you know, that's so over.

Now we're not nice, we're angry. We're going to protect our interests, and we're just not going to take it anymore.

What "it" is we haven't quite figured out, nor have we got a handle on exactly why we're angry. But boy are we ever. We're so angry we just want to get out there and bomb something.

And before you joke about how decrepit our bombers are (and let's not even talk about submarines), we'd like you to know that we have on order some rather expensive shiny new bombers, and when they get here, eventually, THEN we'll show you all a thing or two about blowing stuff up.

Go fry

The melting Arctic? All ours. So in your face, Denmark! (In your face too, Russia, from time to time, although we don't really mean it, since you are kind of tough).

And the Middle East? Don't even get us started. With their unethical oil they are such bastards, unless of course we're trying to sell them donuts, in which case, we're good buds. It's not like they'd hold that bastards thing against us anyway.

The UN? That place is for pussies. Any group that would vote for Portugal over Canada must be totally irrelevant. Tiny, bankrupt Portugal? They can't even skate. Please, they are so Old Europe.

And Africa? You can go fry. We're going to pop a bunch more anabolics into those tar sands, boys, and strip mine the hell out of Northern Alberta even faster. Let the atmosphere be damned. We're Canadian. We're used to bad weather.

We also just shipped a bunch of bumper stickers to India to stick on their Tatas. They are made out of the asbestos we just took out of the prime minister's residence and say: "Choke On This, Suckers."

The royal we

As for America, our neighbour who used to define us in the "not," we've decided we kind of like that dumbing down thing you're up to, so are importing it. Who needs so-called "facts" when we now have Fox News North?

One thing we're not angry about, though, is the monarchy. You Brits, keep sending them over the pond to visit, at least the cute ones! It keeps the proles distracted.

Our chief diplomat? John Baird. Consistently voted the MP least likely to be diplomatic, we thought he'd be perfect.

So get used to it, world. Mr. Nice Guy got run head first into the boards and there's a new enforcer on the ice. Brain damage is a small price to pay for protecting our interests. Whatever they are.

Sincerely,

The New Canada