Yuri's Invisible Wounds
Back from the Afghan war, a Canadian ex-soldier opens up about post-traumatic stress.
Yuri Miljevic-Laroche in 1997, age 19 and starting his career in the army.
Not yet 31, Yuri Miljevic-Laroche may have one of the longest experiences of post-traumatic stress disorder of any Canadian veteran in this century. It isn't over yet, for him or for thousands of other veterans with PTSD and other "operational stress injuries" (OSI).
Sitting in a crowded Kitsilano White Spot at lunchtime, Yuri starts at the beginning: Growing up in the Ottawa region, the son of a Yugoslav academic father and a French-Canadian artist mother. In the 1980s they'd spent summers in Yugoslavia, travelling and visiting relatives.
Over his parents' strong objections, he'd gone straight from high school graduation in 1997 to the Canadian Forces.
"I wanted to be a soldier," he says. "I liked being an army cadet in high school. And I wanted to be in the infantry."
He was good at it, a specialist in reconnaissance, but a tour in Bosnia, in hindsight, looks like the beginning of his troubles.
"I just shut out the Yugoslav side of my family because they'd let this happen to their country. And I felt guilty about what had happened to Yugoslavia."
Back in Canada, he settled into garrison life with his common-law spouse in Winnipeg. After 9-11, it was a foregone conclusion that he'd go to Afghanistan. "You hope for a major conflict during your career," he says. "Not because you want to kill anyone. You've done the training, and you just want to see if you've got the minerals for the real thing."
In Kandahar on April 18, 2002, an American F-16 dropped a 225-kilo bomb on a Canadian unit during a night training exercise. Yuri wasn't present, but he knew two of the four soldiers killed. Eight others were wounded. Yuri says the bomb would have killed far more if it hadn't exploded in a gully. Those outside the gully escaped the worst of the blast.
Yuri and seven other soldiers were assigned to augment the stricken unit. "We were tasked to replace the casualties of that incident. It was a surreal experience being issued with a fallen comrade's rifle and sleeping in a tent whose previous occupant had been killed only a few days ago.
"We were never really accepted into that unit. We were replacements... a constant reminder to the others of the lost friends that had trained, lived, fought and bled together."
Sitting in the White Spot, Yuri rattles off the names of other operations he took part in on that seven-month tour. He was on armoured patrol one day when the vehicle loaded with soldiers in front of his hit an anti-tank mine, and blew 20 feet into the air. "Everybody got rung up pretty good, but they survived." There were other days crawling into caves around Tora Bora not knowing if an armed Taliban hid in the darkness. Nights spent on guard in a 40-foot high plywood watchtower, feeling like a target for the next mortar hit. "You'll know you are under attack when your tower blows."
Just about every minute of every day, Yuri says, fear gnawed at him. At some point it gnawed a permanent hole.
Life went on, and then he came home to Winnipeg in late summer to find an empty house. "Typical soldier's story: Come home and she's gone."
A 55-day bender
To make up for missed leave and R&R, the Forces gave Yuri 55 days' leave. He went to Ottawa and a "55-day bender."
Back in Winnipeg, he became a "super-soldier," working hard at every task, volunteering for more. He was having trouble sleeping, and learning an unspoken regulation: Don't talk about how you're feeling. Admit the bare minimum, insomnia, to get the pills that would help you sleep.
He describes a survey of Afghan returnees as "like a hotel customer questionnaire. No, I'm not depressed. No, I'm not stressed. Yes, I feel bad about my buddies who got hurt." Admitting more than that, he says, would cost you your career.
So he went through a string of increasingly bad moments: "dissociative events," when he'd find himself in a supermarket with a basket full of groceries and no memory of the past six hours. Staying awake until five in the morning, then waking up at six the next evening. Drinking and more drinking.
He acquired a new girlfriend. Then, at a party, they had a fight and she left with another soldier. Word got back to Yuri that they'd gone to the soldier's barracks. He followed them, "kicked the shit out of them," and woke up the next morning in a Winnipeg jail with no real memory of the event.
"What were you on?" asked one of the cops. "It took eight of us to bring you down."
Waiting for a truck
Living in NCO quarters with a civilian roommate, Yuri had a breakdown one night. He trashed the place and threw every military item out into the front yard, ignoring the cuts to his feet from walking barefoot on broken glass.
In the next breakdown, he went out in his underwear at two in the morning, waiting for a truck that he could step in front of. A neighbour and his wife came out, wrapped him in a blanket, and got him inside.
That wasn't the only suicide attempt. Another time, armed with an array of drugs and a bottle of Jack Daniels, he tried to kill himself but only threw up. "I took the pills in the wrong sequence," he says. His sergeant listed him next day as AWOL: absent without official leave.
Finally given a medical discharge and long-term disability, Yuri returned to Ottawa to live with his parents and become a "bar star" at a local pub. A new girlfriend managed to pry him away from that world, and on impulse they flew out to Vancouver for a holiday.
It turned into a permanent move. Soon they were living in a West End apartment, and the novelty of Vancouver put Yuri's demons to rest for a few weeks. He won admission to the Outdoor Recreation program at Capilano College (where I first met him).
But by then his girlfriend had gone back to Ottawa, alarmed at his moods. "The only emotion I could express was anger," he says. "Happiness: anger. Sadness: anger. Anger: You better watch out."
It became impossible to get out of bed in the morning to attend class. Then anxiety set in: "How can I catch up?" He made a deal with the program coordinator: Write off the first semester, pick up the second, complete the first semester next year.
But the deal fell through within weeks: During a wilderness first-aid workshop in Whistler, Yuri ended the day by learning on the TV news that his best friend, and another buddy, had died in a vehicle accident in Afghanistan.
A 24-7 bubble
Eventually, Yuri got into an in-patient PTSD program in Guelph. He thrived in a "24-7 bubble," where he was closely cared for. The program put soldiers and police officers in one group, separate from firefighters and civilians: Soldiers and cops had not just endured violence, they had meted it out.
They could also mete out praise in a group session when they told him: "You're crying!"
"No I'm not." But he was, and it felt wonderful. More simply, it felt.
For the first time in four years, Yuri experienced an emotion.
"You say, 'I love you,' but you don't really feel love," he says. "You don't feel anything."
It was not a happy-ending moment. Yuri's troubles continued after he left the program and returned to Ottawa. He'd reunited with his girlfriend, but after a "particularly ferocious" argument one night, he went home angry and frustrated and had another dissociative experience: Suddenly it was 6:30 a.m., he was in a local McDonald's, heavily intoxicated, and his mother's car was outside.
Hoping to get it home before she woke up, he chose to drive with disastrous consequences.
"I heard a thud, looked in the rear view and I knew I had hit someone."
He got out of the car and performed first aid until police and paramedics arrived. "The officer asked me if I had seen what happened and I told her that I had hit the lady on her bicycle."
Smelling alcohol on Yuri's breath, the police officer read him his rights and placed him under arrest. He was released on his own recognizance. The case wasn't decided until last summer, when he was convicted. He received four months' house arrest and a one-year conditional sentence, plus a year's probation. His license was suspended for 18 months. The woman involved has since made a full recovery.
"As if I did not have enough to deal with, I now had this monstrous amount of guilt and shame due to my actions." He says he continues to deal with that incident and has not had the courage to get behind the wheel of a car since 2006.
Trying to build a new life
Yuri is back in Vancouver, trying to build a career and a life. More of his old friends have died in Afghanistan. Each death hurts, and he thinks he should be back there -- though he knows he's now utterly unable to handle the demands of his old job. He takes courses for ski instructors, and moves from one therapy program to the next.
He remembers during our conversation to take an antidepressant and another pill to deal with its side effects. At least he's off the sleeping pills and anti-anxiety drugs.
I mention reading a report about a Vancouver centre for OSISS: operational stress injuries support services.
Yes, he says, it's there, but PTSD cases don't often go to it. "The stigma of an OSI has yet to really dissipate for serving members and released ones as well. Veterans are still reluctant to come forward and get the intervention and help they really need. Some don't even realize that their quality of life could be far better and they need not suffer alone, in silence."
Invisible wounds
I mention that if he'd had his foot blown off, support would have been instant.
"Oh sure, 'Poor guy, let's take care of you.' But they don't pay attention to the invisible wounds."
Yuri goes on: "Things are changing, ever so slowly. As awareness grows, the stigma attached to an OSI diminishes." To that end, he has shared his story with a Quebec television news station, and now here.
The stigma of coping with post-traumatic stress "will in my opinion never really go away. It's the nature of the beast," Yuri says. "The best we can hope for is that OSI remain at the forefront of our collective consciousness. So long as people talk about it, and we keep bringing it up, people will remember and eventually accept. Not all but some. And if that prompts one guy to seek out help or even just question it... then it's worth the work."
Related Tyee stories:
- How Horror Sparks Our Brains
'Mirror neurons' drive the biology of empathy. - Afghanistan Transforms Canada
To play junior partner to empire, we've militarized our identity. - Lift Kids Out of Poverty, Protect Their Brains
UBC researcher adds to growing data on physical cost of being young and poor.
![[Tyee]](http://thetyee.cachefly.net/ui/img/ico_fishie.png){kind=small}
alive
27-03-2009
asking for it?
If you insist on being a racecar driver, chances are that you wind up in a crash and suffer permanent injuries!
Same goes if you seek the glory of being a soldier.
Anyone having wittnessed the horror of war would not wish to participate.
Anyone who do participate should recognize the hazards may outweigh the adventure.
In this country we have the choice to not join up! Perhaps if people refused, the warmongers would hesitate to provoke for more wars!
PatrickMcEvoyHalston
27-03-2009
Re: "seek the glory of
Re: "seek the glory of being a soldier."
Alive, I like that you don't automatically assume that people go into the armed forces for selfless reasons. Still, in some families/communities, joining AUTOMATICALLY makes you relevant, brave, adult--and even heroic (every soldier who dies is, apparently, a hero--and we are so very proud of them offering up their youthful selves to satisfy the [our?] eager hunger of [for] war). Offered such a prize, no wonder so many insecure, mentally unstable youth sign up. No doubt many who return with mental problems HAD THEM before they enlisted: emotionally healthy people are no doubt the last people who'd ever enlist. All returning soldiers need respect, understanding and treatment, regardless, of course.
I like articles like this one. Salon recently had a series of very interesting articles on how returning soldiers were treated, too. Worthy chasing down. However, one take I wish these articles would broach more, is how war can actually prove very satisfying. The idea that war is full of horrors needs to be challenged/explored. (Don Cherry brings the topic up every week, and, as I've suggested here before, it isn't unreasonable that he's actually FASCINATED/ATTRACTED to this ongoing story of young soldier deaths, bombs, heroes, and sacrifices for the good of the nation.) And perhaps how for some, post-war troubles have something to do with the fact soldiers are no longer in a postion where they can sacrifice themselves for the group, and thereby prove their purity and love for the nation, nor in a position to kill evil people, and thus rid us of representatives of the worst of ourselves.
Crawford
27-03-2009
A response from Dawn Black
Dawn Black, NDP defence critic, sent me the following, and has allowed me to publish it here:
Dear Crawford,
Your article on PTSD was very interesting.
I have met with many soldiers and their families who have returned from Afghanistan suffering from PTSD and other related OSI. But I believe we're only seeing the tip of the iceberg on this issue.
At my initiative, the Standing Committee on National Defence undertook a study on this issue in the 39th Parliament. We finished hearing testimony before the federal election was called.
I introduced a motion to re-enter the testimony for the 40th Parliament and we are now in the process of drafting a report. I am hopeful our report will create a turning point on this issue. I'm also hopeful that the Report will be strong and receive all-party support.
If you're interested, you can check out the SCOND website: http://www2.parl.gc.ca/CommitteeBusiness/CommitteeHome.aspx?Cmte=NDDN&Language=E&Mode=1&Parl=40&Ses=2
Warm regards,
Dawn
Stump
27-03-2009
Be careful what you wish for
"You hope for a major conflict during your career," he says. "Not because you want to kill anyone. You've done the training, and you just want to see if you've got the minerals for the real thing."
Ignoring the fact that soldiers are trained to kill people and wishing for a major conflict to test your training is pretty much exactly what he says he didn't want... the shortsightedness of wishing for armed conflict to validate your career choice really leaves a bad taste in my mouth.
I hope the guy gets the help he needs before he runs ME over.
driftwolf
28-03-2009
Dear Alive,
Problem is, race car drivers know the risks. They're told the risks from day one of their training. They go in with their eyes open. Deluded maybe, but eyes open.
Unfortunately, soldiers generally have the risks deliberately kept from them by the military and the government. It's why the military wants them young - so they're too naive when they come in to figure out they're being lied to until it's far, FAR too late.
I worked at NDHQ. Too many chiefs who did one tour of duty in a "combat" zone (ie: no active fighting, but it could have happened, so it counts) who are now colonels and generals. Our military is way too top heavy. I suggest we fire a few generals, colonels and majors and put the saved money into supporting the troops that are actually doing the job the military is supposed to be doing. That includes appropriate post-action medical care.
alive
28-03-2009
It's the warmongers S*****
driftwolf: I agree with you about the structure of our (and any) military.
But, what exactly is the job that the military is supposed to do?
To me it seem to depend on what the oil industry decides is in their best interest.
A better educated public, not being lied to by the media, would never elect the morons who find excuses to send people off to war.
Van Isle
28-03-2009
My old man was in WW2 and he
My old man was in WW2 and he did the 'nasty stuff' to the Germans, ie; they never took prisoners. Just before he died he told me some of the stuff that he did, would make most peoples hair stand on end. For 7 years after the war he had nightmares every night. As time went on the nightmares became less and less. I remember as a kid waking up in the middle of the night hearing the old man screaming in his sleep saying things like "Make it stop just please make it go away" and he would say other things too and he would repeat himself over and over until my mother could wake him up. He use to drink and smoke too much at times, I asked him once why. His answer was that he figured that he was living on borrowed time cuz of all the things that he lived thru during the war. He use to have uncontrollable rages which my brother and I use to pay for. My advice to anybody who has been in war, go and seek help and don't suck it up as my old man's generation and previous generations did. If you don't, you and your family will suffer.
RickW
28-03-2009
Doesn't matter the reasons for joining the military....
....as long as it's deemed necessary to have one.
But Canadian governments have been known to "cheap out" on those who volunteer (to borrow a worn phrase) to "stand in harm's way" and come back physically and/or mentally maimed. We want the soldiers when we want them -- then we want them to go away.
As far as I am concerned, any of Canada's military personnel who are assigned to an active theatre, should have the luxury of "feeding at the trough" for the rest of their lives back in the mother land (or their spouses/significant others should they die in battle). After all, we allow our politicians that luxury, and most of them duck from harm's way...........
alive
28-03-2009
the thrill is shortlived
While I agree that we, as a society, are responsible for what our government has imposed on soldiers, I take exception to the idea that every soldier automatically is a hero.
We have heard of "unfortunate rollovers" of those toys they drive around there, and it takes little imagination to visualize some young "cowboy" type doing silly stunts in a vehicle not designed for it.
We have "friendly fire" victims who also becomes heros!
Perhaps if we quit glorifying their every move, some sort of sanity would prevail?
The sorry fact is that many join up for the thrills and perhaps because they cannot afford the snowmobiles, waterjets, and ATV's they would like to own.
I am sure they soon realize that the actual chores are not as interesting as the vidios they were presented with before they signed up indicated.
We are all being hoodwinked by the powerbrokers to become cannonfodder or slaves as the case may be.
RickW
28-03-2009
Again, it doesn't matter the motivation......
.....that's what psychological evaluation is for. Not everyone is suited to be a soldier, a firefighter, a cop, a butcher, a baker, a candlestick maker.........
It is especially incumbent on those who choose people for the "dangerous" tasks, to make as sure as they might that the "crazies" and "yahoos" are excluded, and as well, it is incumbent upon the politicians who form our government that those who perform hazardous assignments are not just regarded as cannon fodder.
PatrickMcEvoyHalston
29-03-2009
alive
I'm with you with the heroes bit. I actually wish we would stop referring to soldiers as heroes. Making the battlefield the prime place to demonstrate one's worth, is unworthy of a civilized, humane society.
wcullen
29-03-2009
Sadists behind bushes
The people attacking (directly or by innuendo) the soldier here are, to put it as politely as is their due, "sadists who hide behind bushes and throw rocks" (M. Angelou).
No where in the article/interview does Yuri suggest he should be forgiven for the damage he's caused. Furthermore, he's paid the legal price for the DUI accident. If you do not like the sentence then YOU need to address it to the appropriate people (not at Yuri) and through the appropriate channels (write your MP/MLA). And, certainly, I am not apologising for Yuri's actions or conditions.
Having been a soldier who served on one of Canada's most miserable tours (Yugoslavia in 1993) I am glad Yuri spoke out. On our tour we experienced ethnic cleansing, local level murder, rape, and torture, outright fighting (Medak Pocket)--of which we were not even allowed to speak about until 10 years later when Scott Taylor broke the news in his book "Tested Mettle" (I can give little or no credit to the SCONDVA commission: it was, sadly, a farce with little or no results). I watched many soldiers (good ones and not so good ones) suffer in silence; and I watched their lives disintegrate in front of them (and helped where I could).
It is a terrible thing to watch someone destroy themselves, those around them, and their lives. Those of you who would attack them by making such innane and asinine remarks against DUI's and "warmongering" are ignorant, unsympathetic, and cowardly. I say 'cowardly,' because if you disagree with war and conflict (and I do) then you need to address your concerns appropriately and soundly. Attacking individuals who do what we do ('did' in my case now) is beyond inappropriate: it is cowardly.
In the Infantry (2nd Bn PPCLI, for myself) we have a saying that "no one wants peace more than a soldier," but we've seen--ourselves and historically--what happens when we prepare for peace without preparing for conflict. It is also the case that, for most of the soldiers I knew and like Yuri, no one WANTED to fight or kill, but you did want to know what that you could do what you were trained for: Save lives in combat zones...and we did just that and for thousands and thousands of people...it is, no doubt, more than any of the posters here have done.
I am not condoning Yuri's actions, nor am I apologising for them; I would love to see a world without conflict, but we're not there yet. And, in the meantime, if you have nothing good to say to help people like Yuri re-adjust and come to terms with their past, then don't say anything at all...and, if you do want to speak, do so, but please do so appropriately and soundly...and send it to the right people.
PatrickMcEvoyHalston
29-03-2009
@wcullen
So the modern-day soldier's slogan is essentially now make love, not war. Tough to believe: If you are a fair representation of the average infantryman, then your readiness to denigrate peace-niks as cowards suggests that the validity of the old sixties divide (between hippies and soldiers), still stands.
I think us war protestors have some idea as to what to expect from soldiers when our methods are deemed "beyond the inappropriate." People such as yourself might even stop tolerating our right to speak (do you realize you sound like a jailor?), as you have so graciously (but with some conditions) allowed us now.
Fiat lux
29-03-2009
The one thing we should
The one thing we should realize is that wars are not fought between nations, but between leaders and governments. Now controlled by big business and religions.
As long wars are glorified as heroic and ultra patriotic actions, always in defence of "freedom" and some other faith based nonsense, they'll go on and on.
Here in Canada, our governments are spending huge amounts on "defence", while setting up signs "Canada for sale".
Our whole economy is now controlled from abroad and there are rumours that the BC govt. is inviting the Chinese communists to come in and use some of their $2 or 3. trillion hoarded and worthless US Dollars to take control of more of our resources.
In the name of "wealth creating foreign investment", of course. So, why should anybody bother to invade us, when they can buy their way in, virtually for nothing?
Ed Deak.
Stump
29-03-2009
W Cullen
Yuri said he wanted a major conflict to test his skills, but didn't want anyone to get hurt. It simply doesn't happen. Maybe if he was a sapper... otherwise, this attitude of 'we want to test ourselves without fighting' is illogical and impossible.
Crawford
29-03-2009
Stump misunderstands
Stump, you've missed the point. Yuri didn't say he wanted to test himself without fighting. He did say he wanted, if fighting came, to find he could do what he'd been trained to do.
In this, he was no different from a medical intern who doesn't hope for a patient on the brink of death--but if she does get one, she wants to be able to apply what she's learned.
Sneering at soldiers who come home with Yuri's kind of injuries is like sneering at the healthcare workers who caught SARS, and sometimes died of it, while looking after other SARS patients.
Yes, catching your patients' illnesses is an occupational hazard. But it doesn't mean you deserve to get sick because of your career choice...which, like the soldier's, is to try to protect your people.
In a democracy, soldiers are the people in arms, carrying out the commands of the people at high personal cost. They should never be squandered to make some trivial political point, or to curry favour with some powerful political ally.
And if they suffer and die in a conflict we don't approve of, they still deserve our honour and respect. And our apologies.
They did their job; we, as citizens of a democracy, didn't do ours. We failed to stop our government from sending them into a needless disaster. The shame lies on us, not on them.
Stump
29-03-2009
@Crawford
The quote from your article says:
"You hope for a major conflict during your career,"
I took that quote at face value and based my statement upon it.
I don't think I sneered at him or soldiers in general.
alive
29-03-2009
and I repeat
Quote: "They did their job; we, as citizens of a democracy, didn't do ours. We failed to stop our government from sending them into a needless disaster. The shame lies on us, not on them."
One more time let me ask, did anyone force them to enlist?
Quit the spin about doing their duty, the point is nobody needs to get in those situations.
If nobody joined the armed forces then the governments would soon stop looking for trouble worldwide.
TYRONE
30-03-2009
PTSD - What a Waste!
This story should prompt a storm of outrage and demands, that
A.) bring our troops home and
B.) disband all military!
The costs are simply too high and the efforts are ill placed. Life is so precious and such a miracle it should be nutured and honored by helping other life live! Forget about economies, forget about increased production quotas and all this nonsense of aquiring "stuff". Stop playing deadly games and put your minds and your bodies to work to have peace on this planet and truly love LIFE!