Bitches Are Back
But is cruelty mandatory for feminism to prevail?
Joan Holloway of 'Mad Men.'
To be a strong woman, a good feminist and even save the world, you need to be a bitch, according to a recent spate of articles.
"Britain would be a better place if we had more bitches," argues Victoria Coren in this weekend's Observer. She bemoans the fact that women have forgotten how to bitch, and blames the recent rise in female physical violence on "the real tragedy, the true cultural loss ... the Decline of the Evil Put-Down."
"I look back on the golden days of my childhood [when] teenage girls were at the very height of their powers: they could ruin your life with two withering sentences. They could have you in tears with the first word ... their laconic verbal artillery left shrapnel in the soul for years to come."
Jezebel's Megan Carpentier agrees, "Being a bitch requires time and effort and a certain utter lack of caring what people think about you ... that simply isn't done anymore," and laments people are instead too busy being cool. She argues women are now "constantly playing oneups(wo)manship for who can win the most votes in a neverending popularity contest": a contest in which The Bitch loses.
"These days, bitching is low-fat, decaffeinated and kick-free," writes the Guardian's famous, acerbic columnist, Julie Burchill, in what started this all off. She wants a revival of real bitching.
Yes, the bitch is back, is the new black and the new bible.
The call of the bitch
It seems to me they're right. The time is ripe for the return of the bitch. The world is becoming more and more pernicious but hides behind a thick and syrupy veneer of niceness. Take telephone customer service people with their mandated sing-song introductions: "Hello and welcome to [their company]. My name is Jen. How can I help you today?", then the ubiquitous, "Is there anything else I can help you with today?" Well, no there isn't or I would have asked you. You've just wasted several minutes of my life, and your corporate niceness has raised my blood pressure to the point where my grip is about to snap the phone.
Even more destructive than corporate niceness is the perfection contest between women that ranks not only physical appearance, disposable fashion, kids, career achievements and wealth, but niceness. More and more women are trying to out-nice each other, due to strong social pressure, which only drives real human emotion underground.
End the psychic foot binding
When a normal human tendency -- conflict -- becomes verboten, it just seeps out through the cracks. When women are supposed to be unfailingly nice and smiling creatures, then anger, disagreement and natural grumpiness come out in other ways -- in ways that can be more eviscerating. When I go to social events, the "nicer" and faker the event, the more subversive talk goes on later, where conflict has no chance to resolve itself.
I've always liked a good argument. But while I was on the debate team as a teenager, as an adult, I've felt the pressure to nice-up instead (luckily, that pressure doesn't seem to apply to writing) and more than once I've compromised myself badly in order to keep smiling. Friends say they've been told off for being too "blunt," "sharp" and "intimidating," too.
And while maybe those criticisms were true in specific cases, I think the condemnation tends to come more from an endemic fear of female conflict and anger. Foot-binding procured delicate, pleasing but crippled feet, and now, the tyranny of niceness procures delicate, pleasing smiles and personas, but crippled psyches.
So I'm all for elbowing out space for women to constructively disagree and argue: with each other or with men, with flair and substance, in private and in public.
Empowering, like a bat to the head
But while argument, feistiness and honesty are among the best and most enjoyable things, meanness and bullying -- what at least Coren is advocating for -- are only enjoyable if you're a psychopath. As one Jezebel commenter, put it, "I don't think I always understand 'empowering' ... like, I'm exercising power over you if I hit you in the face with a bat (specifically: my power to hit you with a bat). But this isn't an implicitly good condition, is it?"
There's a difference between a fair fight and using what you know about someone to wound them for your own pleasure, between enforcing your limits or standing your ground and going on the attack, unprovoked; between speaking your mind honestly, face-to-face to improve a situation and exploiting social inequality. There's a difference between being tough and mean and exploitative:
"Bitches have the power: they are rich, or beautiful, or thin, or smart, or all of the above, and allow their conversation to hammer this superiority right into the faces of their poor, fat, dim or otherwise disenfranchised targets," writes Coren.
Power for good, not evil
Burchill's defense of the bitch, at least, is about integrity. She argues the new form of bitching -- which takes place behind people's backs and is based on fake sympathy -- is "above all, phoney."
"Though the great bitches of Hollywood were dressed to kill and magnificently shallow, there was something incredibly honest about them ... These days, though, women ... are whines, nags, snobs and scolds instead. When they diss another woman, they make a great show of doing it more in sorrow than in anger. So instead of coming across as fun-loving, red-blooded bitches ... they are the Wahs; their ceaseless, bleating mantra is "Oh, I'm Worried About Her!"
"No, all I'm asking for is a good, fair, fierce fight -- one that isn't based on envy, snobbishness, hypocrisy or any of the other things that add nothing to the quality of life or the gaiety of nations but actually drain and corrupt our daily lives."
Modelling the ethical bitch
I think most people are in the ethical bitch camp. Take the two most popular prime time bitches right now: Joan Holloway of Mad Men and Blair Waldorf of Gossip Girl. Joan, the office manager of Stirling Cooper advertising agency in 1950s New York, is high-spirited, hedonistic and sexually liberated -- and fierce in protecting those things. She's also warm, kind and level-headed, except when crossed. And then, though she's sharp, she's composed and slices only enough to do the job.
Blair reigns as queen bee of her high school. If someone challenges her position, she'll politely confirm that person is declaring war, then ruthlessly scheme until she's won. But it's a game; it's business. Afterwards, she'll help the loser to her feet: no hard feelings. And all the while, she's an unerringly warm, loyal, kind friend to those in her inner circle.
There are few things more vicariously enjoyable than watching a charismatic female character -- real or fictional -- live a brave, honest life and defend herself with a smart, sharp word. I'd argue those two characters are a big part of the successes of those shows. And I'd love a fair, honest fight with anyone who thinks otherwise.
Related Tyee stories:
- Madonna and the Power Marriage
If a wife has more oomph than her husband, can it last? - Girls Hating Girls
Why we don't cut Britney or Amy any slack. - Modelling Bad Behaviour
Mocking 'Top Model' was my group sport, but the joke's on me.
![[Tyee]](http://thetyee.cachefly.net/ui/img/ico_fishie.png){kind=small}
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nightbloom
3 years ago
My perception of Julie
My perception of Julie Burchill was forever altered by the judicious smack-down she received from Camille Paglia back when Paglia first arrived on the cultural scene as an ingenue in the early nineties (here: http://homepage.ntlworld.com/jonsimmons/julie/paglia.htm ). It needs no elaboration - the precious little bitch took on a seasoned dyke, and ended up squealing like a chihuahua who's getting topped by a great dane. Note how flimsy and transparent Burchill's "bitchiness" is when called out by a real Amazon. Burchill's roar is a laughable meow. Any woman who's taking pointers from Burchill had better find a very small sandbox to play in indeed.
alive
3 years ago
right on
Ohh, you mean that women should begin to act like people?
Well, we all seem to be trying for the niceness award these days.
What is needed generally is for people to begin to speak up for themselves,period!
Our "service industry" is ever so polite, but seem unable to accomodate even the simplest request that has not been introduced on a video to the personel.
There was a time when individualism was considered a good thing, when people were perhaps a little different and did not worry about it.
Sameness is what makes us all subject to manipulation! We are scared to speak up, because "they" may think we are "troublemakers".
It is all a part of how we allow ourselves to used and quit thinking for ourselves!
Budd Campbell
3 years ago
TRY POSTING THIS ON RABBLE
I have a dare for anyone who will take it up.
Try posting this material on www.rabble.ca/babble, in the Feminism Forum, using an apparently male handle. And draw the attention of "Michelle", the "Moderator". And then stand back.
Stump
3 years ago
bitch doesn't equal individual
I take issue with the posters who feel manners aren't compatible with individualism. In this day and age, good manners are pretty rare and few people are individuated enough to maintain them in the face of a boorish crowd.
Sure, bring back the bitch. But don't whinge when the bastard comes along for the ride ladies.
Budd Campbell
3 years ago
TRY YOUR LUCK, STUMP!
Stump:
Sure, bring back the bitch. But don't whinge when the bastard comes along for the ride ladies.
LOL! Stump, you're just the guy I was looking for. Try your luck on www.rabble.ca/babble with these very lines! If you follow through, I will buy you a brand new tire for your bike!
Stump
3 years ago
babble me not
LOL, no thanx Budd. I think the current crop of feminists pale in comparison to my dear old Mum and her ilk -- who actually paved the way for the modern got-it-all gals, but I have no inclination to incur their wrath by pointing out that the issues are rarely as cut and dried as the most feminist of feminists would have us believe.
Budd Campbell
3 years ago
CAREERISTS AND PAYROLL ACTIVISTS
... but I have no inclination to incur their wrath by pointing out that the issues are rarely as cut and dried as the most feminist of feminists would have us believe.
I know what you mean, Stump. Once any movement falls prey to the careerists and payroll activists it becomes a rigid ideology, ... kind of like some organized religions!
alive
3 years ago
about good service
May I assume that stump is referring to my post here:
Let me assurre you that one can be very firm and direct, while still observing good manners.
Take an assertiveness training program and learn how to get your point across in a calm and quiet manner!
My point is that we all need to stop worrying that perhaps we are deemed out of step, just because we demand good service.
Stump
3 years ago
manners and individualism
No argument with your point that getting what you want can be done with grace Alive, but I would question your assumption that there was ever a time when individuality was prized in any culture. Which era are you referring to?
It's (individuality) usually derided in my experience and in my understanding of history. Socrates, J. Christ, Joan of Arc, et al found that out the hard way.
alive
3 years ago
anything but placid
Seem to me that history is filled with personalities who did not care too much what the public might think (Pierre Trudeau comes to mind).
I am not advocating fanatics or control freaks, but a general loosening up on the attitude people have about "what is proper"
We all need to speak up or we will all loose.
Remember the saying about the Nazis hunting one segment of the population and nobody cared, then the next group and eventually it was you who wound up in a concentration camp?
We are being suckered back to that way of thinking again
lynn
3 years ago
Watch starry night skies instead of TV stars
To speak your own mind, it really helps to first know it. ;-) That's the hard part, I think....for both men and women.
Can't really see how assuming "roles", in this case the one of "bitchy woman" helps in that regard.....seems a pretty low ( not to mention unimaginative) bar to set for women.
Stump
3 years ago
Quote:Seem to me that
Trudeau didn't come to power because he was touting unpopular ideas. If he didn't care what people thought he would never have been elected. Real individualism generally sets you apart from the herd and it's the rare, charismatic individual who can create followers (a crowd of their own) that you are describing Alive.
alive
3 years ago
Really?
Stump: this is the sentence you were having problems with....
Now you are telling me that Trudeau does not fit that description?
Once again my point was: that we all need to stop worrying that perhaps we are deemed out of step, just because we demand good service.
I maintain we can do that without being bitchy, and either sex needs to learn to speak up..........and Stump, to learn to stick to the point!
Stump
3 years ago
sticking to the point
Stick to the point??? LOL. You tried to suggest that individuality was viewed as a good thing (in the past) and that's utter b*llshit. Then you keep coming up with crappy examples and changing the parameters everytime I put paid to your attempts to prove your original contention.
Individuality is almost always viewed with suspicion by the majority. Trudeau wasn't elected because he was an 'individual' but rather because he voiced what a great many people were already thinking.
I am sticking to 'the point' and I've given some examples to back up my contention. Why don't you concede the point with grace instead of suggesting I'm moving the goal posts?
alive
3 years ago
about goalposts
Stump: I am not posting just to convince you!
I am happy to disagree with you about whether Trudeau was elected because of his charisma or the fact that people recognized that he was “different” in the sense that he said what he meant!
This very article is about speaking up (being bitchy) and I contend it behooves both genders to speak up.
However we may disagree, would you please try to comment on my bottomline:
that we all need to stop worrying that perhaps we are deemed out of step, just because we demand good service?
So far you have ignored the point I was trying to make, the goalposts if you will.
Stump
3 years ago
your bottom line
is flawed because it starts with a faulty premise (individuality was once prized). What would be the point of debating a p.o.v. that's erroneous from the outset?
alive
3 years ago
stump
in your esteemed opinion,of course!
The bottomline of any writing is to state one's perception of an issue and draw a conclusion.
You are refusing to comment on my conclusion because you do not see things as I do.
To be more precise whether individuality was once prized or not, the bottomline stands.
Whether Trudeau was an individual or a charming hoax, is again is beside the point.
Stump
3 years ago
service industry
Perhaps you could rephrase your premise? I'm a little confused because you've tied the ineptitude of service workers and standing up for oneself into one idea and I'm failing to see the connection.
re: my esteemed opinion... I'd have to say it's more like 'as the body of evidence to date indicates.'
ME2
3 years ago
POVs
Stump, whether or not you liked Trudeau, you have to admit that he was an individual among politicians, many calling him a statesman. He was a true leader who chose to lead rather than to govern by the polls as is always the choice of the ordinary politician.
A similar person was VanderZalm, who, again regardless of whether you liked his politics, was a leader who stated his beliefs right out front, attracting followers simply because of that forthrightness.
Contrast those pictures with that of Campbell's, in which he publicly promises the one thing and then does the diammetrical opposite. He's no "individual", just another clone who's learned how to become adept at political chicanery.
Re your statement :
"It's (individuality) usually derided in my experience and in my understanding of history. Socrates, J. Christ, Joan of Arc, et al found that out the hard way."
These people (all individuals) ran afoul of the establishment not because they were not widely believed, but because their beliefs didn't fit with those of the establishment.
It seems the problem with your mutual irreconcilability is found in your different POVs re Alive's statement :
"Seem to me that history is filled with personalities who did not care too much what the public might think"
Who that public is, then becomes the battleground, for the the establishment always claims that its POV is the "normal", most widely held and correct one, while vilifying contrary viewpoints - no matter how many followers they've attracted - as "abnormal".
Using that perspective, individuals, whether they are leaders or not, are just as prevalent today as they were yesterday.
alive
3 years ago
goodbye stump
You can say that again!
One more time you pick a red herring instead of addressing the issue!
You are now on my list of people I will not bother to discuss things with; I have patience but it is not limitless.
Stump
3 years ago
Colour me inconsolable!
OK, I asked you nicely to restate your premise. Now I will be honest. Your original supposition is a mishmash of poorly worded and barely connected ideas, making it hard to pick out what your point is exactly.
I hope I'll be able to get to sleep tonight. :-)
Your bottom line is that it's "out of step" to demand good service... yet so many of the goods and services we are sold use good service by the purveyor as a key selling point. Westjet is the first example that pops to mind. I'm sure there are others. Clearly, the expectation of good service has been recognized... and the promise of such is marketed to us ad nauseam.
To me, when I see good service being touted in that way, it leads me to believe that good service is very much a fashionable thing. In fact, even a cursory reading of the current wisdom regarding marketing shows that exceptional customer service has become a key factor in a company's success, as factors such as price and availability are relatively the same across the board. Is it widespread yet? Maybe, maybe not. But as to being "out of step"... good service is very much in vogue right now.
Whether or not that service actually occurs is certainly another issue, but you've failed to provide any proof that it's not top-of-mind in service industries.
Further, I sense a rather derisive attitude on your part regarding 'service personnel' which speaks volumes to me regarding the level of service you probably DO receive. No matter. I'm sure you feel your behaviour is appropriate.
But, I wonder if you put yourself in the shoes of an overworked minimum wage earner -- whether you might discover that there's no good reason to kowtow to those that 'demand' good service, when it's much more profitable to concentrate your positive energies on those people who treat you with a semblance of respect and dignity. Bitches are rarely good tippers, so why flog a dead horse?
Personally, I experience great service in almost all dealings regarding customer service. I think it's due to the fact I politely treat people as I wish to be treated: as an ally in my quest for something, rather than an adversary preventing me from achieving a desired outcome. Being a bitch, or bastard, is pretty much encouraging John or Jane Q. Server to spit in your entree IMO.
Stump
3 years ago
Response to ME2
Thanx for your comments.
Regarding Trudeau, the Zalm, and Gordo... aren't we talking more about personal integrity (saying what you mean) rather than individualism?
I wish I could think of some other examples of individuals in the true sense of the word... but they tend to fade from history, derided as kooks, or never get the chance to espouse their viewpoint at all as far as I can see.
If one's stance is popular, be it w/ the Establishment, or the silent many, by definition that person isn't really an individual. Further, Alive's contention that there was a time when such a trait (individualism) was valued just has no basis in reality.
To take an example from literature, think of the central character in "The Idiot". Definitely an individual, yet almost universally misunderstood and derided for his p.o.v. A good, albeit fictional, example of the fate awaiting most 'individuals'.
reality_check
3 years ago
There are bitches and then are "BITCHES"
There are bitches and they are "BITCHES"! Big difference! But, what is the difference exactly!
It seems that from some women, asking for good service or complaining is being a bitch! I disagree! Complaining and being assertice are useful and important (in that ever need for human beings to seek perfection, if that is needed). However, there are ways to do things, ask for good service, complain. The same could be said about a man. The word "bitch", from my male perpespective, indicates annoyance, unreasonableness, viciousness, capriciousness, emotional abuse, stupidity, egoism,... It is synomymous with the word "asshole", as far as I am concerned.I would not want all women to be that: an asshole or a bitch!
I think what one should seek and aspire to be is a polite bitch or asshole: one who respectfully and without judgment seek ti impart a certain point of view. Of course, if the service really suckes or someone is really not trying (or even maliciously trying to set you off), then I think more assertive responses should be used.
I think this article correctly points out the dilemma that women face, but it is a false dichotomy. There is a grey area. Be bitches, but do it and be it in a fundamentally more advanced manner, using advanced communication methods and a philosophical mindset akin to the one that the Dalai Lama or Ghandi rather than the one that a Cro Magnon human (man or woman) would use!