Dear Jian, I Invite You to Be Vulnerable

I'm worried about you. Writing this is an exercise in vulnerability for me, but leadership should be by example. I want to offer you, with tremendous compassion, an invitation to be vulnerable, too.

Let's consider the world as you know it. You come from a powerful place that has been turned upside down before the public eye in recent weeks. If what a number of people have said is true, the burden of loss and shame will only grow heavier. Like many others, feelings of frantic disorientation or anxiety are probably renewed daily as you wake from sleep reminded that your world isn't what it used to be.

I imagine that you are suffering, and have been for some time. I am a family doctor and I see people in crisis frequently. Whether perpetrator or victim, I must look after a person's health.

The sudden transformation must be particularly startling from a place of power and celebrity, to a place of powerlessness and loss. For you, power is familiar and safe. You have been fighting the shame of this transformation with a lawsuit, a PR firm, and the kind of power that can blanket truth and conceal suffering. But this power will not heal you, or the women you're alleged to have hurt.

Compassion is good for all of us

Vulnerability is an inevitable condition of being human. Power is not. By hanging on to the power that no longer serves you, you are resisting opportunities for healing. The path to opportunity might be painful, but therein lies its own power. Wendell Berry, Rose Cousins and many others will remind you that the only path out of the darkness is through the darkness.

Could respect for your work co-exist with contempt for your behaviour? Perhaps this is what compassion looks like. Is it possible to regain your public stature and respect? Unlikely through fighting. People respect the tremendous work you do. However, this is a personal, not a professional journey. It requires you to release your grasp on power that is familiar, seductive, and harmful.

While men have caused harm, we need to allow them permission to transform for the better. By publicly facing vulnerability, you can model the path for others. Do this by facing the accusations with introspection and reflection rather than aggression and denial. Perhaps, legally, you feel you don't have this choice. But it is the path of greatest opportunity.

Many men thrive on power, and few on authenticity. We haven't defined a non-patriarchal, compassionate masculine. We haven't legitimized vulnerability in men. We live in a society that denies and conceals suffering. This is not an easy path, but an important one to walk on.

You are not alone

There are men going through transformation, and struggling to do so, everywhere. You are not alone. We can value each other for being willing to face our darkest places with dignity and integrity. The public eye offers a different level of scrutiny, shame, and judgment. But great potential could exist in a public awakening of compassion for you on an honourable path toward healing.

Your secrets and suffering have been thrust into the public eye, but think about what else could come of this, what the public needs to see. Maybe you can be the role model that we need, for male transformation and facing the vulnerability that underlies aggression. Perhaps we can learn to value each other for being willing to face our darkest places with integrity and the willingness to grow. None of the accusations made against you have been proven in a court of law. Those accusations, however, are troubling for their number and details. If they are true, then for the sake of women and men, I hope you can accept this invitation.