Recycling the Ex

Back in the '90s, when I ended a relationship it was for good. There was no talk of getting back together. There was no mention of remaining friends. It may not have been terribly mature, but it was neat and tidy and done.

But disposable relationships are no longer in vogue. These days, practically everyone I know has a friend that used to be a boyfriend or a girlfriend or a husband or a wife. Call it the blue box of relationship etiquette. The stuff we don't want is no longer considered expendable -- it just changes form.

Recently, I was at a wedding reception chatting with a guest over a glass of champagne. I asked her how she knew the bride or groom. She said "Oh, I actually introduced them to each other after I broke up with Jason. I figured she'd be a better match. I'm so happy for them." It was hardly surprising to me: my date that night was my ex.

Exes and ohs

My friend Rhian actually spent her wedding night at her ex-boyfriend's house. She was also there with her husband, of course. Her ex now runs a bed and breakfast joint and she was on a tight budget for the honeymoon. Apparently, it was a win-win for everyone. "I know it might sound strange but my ex and I are really good friends. My husband isn't threatened by it. It just made sense to stay at my old boyfriend's B & B. He gave us great deal."

So are we becoming more evolved about our romantic liaisons or just conditioned to recycling? The answers are mixed. Jessica Fraser, a local film producer, says keeping old lovers in our lives is healthier than banishing them from our existence.

When her long-term relationship with her live-in girlfriend ended, they decided to remain close friends. Jessica's ex ended up travelling abroad for awhile, but the two of them stayed in touch. When the ex returned to Vancouver, Jessica invited her old girlfriend to live with her for six weeks while her ex looked for a new apartment. Her ex was even dating someone else at the time.

"It wasn't difficult to make the switch," says Jessica. "Just because our romance was over, it didn't stop me from caring about her. I wanted to help her get back on her feet." Jessica and her ex are still friends today. I think they're also avid composters.

Building severed bonds

Dan Perlman, a professor of sociology at UBC and now the University of North Carolina, says the friends-with-the-ex trend is related to the "attachment theory." "When a relationship ends, the bond persists and it doesn't evaporate immediately. Building a friendship with an ex helps us have a secure base as we find ourselves again. Breaking up is no longer unusual ... it's become quite normal."

Breaking up has become quite "normal" because most of us get married later in life or we avoid matrimony all together. According to Stats Canada, the average age for getting hitched is rising. Back in 1973, the typical bride was 22.8 years old and the groom was 25.2 years old. By 2003, both men and women were five years older by the time they walked down the aisle.

I know I've dumped and been dumped more than once. I've gotten the hang of mending a broken heart. At a certain point, I think I just decided to keep my exes around because it's just plain easier than hating their guts. And given that it takes years to build a social network, it's in my best interest to remain civil with old flames.

Communication lite

In addition to convenience, technology plays a role. Ten years ago, tracking down an ex would have meant an awkward phone call, or a random run-in at the grocery store. Now all we have to do is text, e-mail, page or MSN them; check out their blog; or write on their Facebook wall: easy and impersonal.

Then there's generational culture. Mine seems to like having a back-up plan. After years of dwindling Canada Pension funds, doomsday politics and the environmental crisis, we now live in a constant state of thinking that time is running out. Translation? If we split up with someone, we had better stay cordial in case times get tough or nobody better comes along.

But not everyone thinks that being friends with an ex is good idea. The guys at BlogCritics magazine say staying friends with an ex is a new sadistic custom that masks the true pain and anger a person feel when a romance dies.

Building destruction

And writer Alice Moore over at Filly.ca is not keen on keeping her exes around, either. She claims if you're trying to forge a friendship with an ex, it means you're secretly hoping you'll get back together. From Moore's perspective, the transition to a platonic relationship is far too complicated to undertake so why bother at all? I get her point, but I think we can still move forward in our lives without being destructive about where we've been. Come to think of it, I think the Smart Car was created with this notion in mind.

But while the Smart Car works, not all ex-relationships do. My friend Brandon, an engineering student at UBC, tried to remain close to his ex. Things turned sour when the ex came to town for a visit. When she suggested doing a performance art piece that involved removing her clothes for Brandon and his new lady love, he realized platonic friendship wasn't exactly what she had in mind.

Although maintaining a friendship with an ex isn't always easy to do, there is something quite profound about allowing our relationships to unfold and change along the way. My ex is one of my best friends. I couldn't imagine cutting him out of my life after the amount of time we spent together. Being friends with an ex doesn't work for everyone, but I like the idea of transformation. It requires a bit of extra work and effort but the end result is ultimately better. And isn't that what this new wave of recycling and energy consciousness is all about?

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