As they say, growing older beats the alternative. Might as well be Absolutely Fabulous....

Good article -

Hell, I'm a man who just hit his mid-thirties and I can still relate!

First signs that a guy has reached a certain point: five times a day is a wistful memory; the shower drain clogs once a week with astonishing amounts of hair; the once-admired bubble-butt begins migrating to the front of the abdomen and turns to jello.

Carla, get off the beauty or bust merry-go-round.

At your age you ought to have realized there is no end to the lures and guilt tossed upon anyone willing to chase the youth fairy.

Believe me, you ain't old sis and, if you can get beyond the jingos telling you you are, you'll laugh at this article in a decade.

I like the term "well ripened". On the vine that is life. Nice article Carla; having just passed my own forty fifth, much of your insights ring true for me too. Curiously so, since I'm male, married 23 years. with five great children. A quarter century plus working as a logger has spared me the mid-life 'expansion' and other health issues. Having someone guage my age as 30ish is common, yet I actually could care less - and loof forward to the deepened lines and grayer mantle of ripeness.
That said, I have a friend in Toronto whose fiftieth birthday filled her with a dread of, as she puts it, "becoming invisible" - referring to her image to men. This is so sad. And, if you think about it, unfair and sexist; a man of 50 is still in the running, as it were, while a woman is a "cougar". Not that there's anything wrong with that etc. etc. and so on and so forth and more of the same..

"loof"...lol..of course I meant "loofah", as I'm sure the context makes plain..

Lovely article, Carla. It's great to know I'm not alone. I've been a faithful consumer of face products and sunscreen (to stay younger looking) since my early 20s. I recently turned 50 - what the media is calling the new 40. I'm unmarried and childless by choice although I've been with a significant other for 5 years (managed to "snag" one before it was "too late" - ha ha). I've always felt out of step with other women. Everyone I know has kids and/or a husband. Even "acquiring" a "boyfriend" has not cured me of feeling out of place with my peers.

On the idea of older women being "invisible" to men: a wise friend told me that if I feel invisible it's because I have bought into the idea that our culture has fed to me in various ways and NOT because men are actually ignoring me. I'm not so sure about that one yet but I'm working on not feeling as if I no longer matter because I'm older. I find myself acknowledging older women at my gym and on the street as a way of saying "yes, I see you, we're not invisible."

Well-said, Carla. I'm nearly 50 and am also always told I don't look anywhere near my age. I too have been using the potions since my mid-30's--who knows if they help? I think good genes and fairly clean living are the two primary reasons for looking youthful. But the inevitable sag & wrinkle happens regardless of creams, potions and even (god forbid) surgery.

When I turned 40, I still looked 30 and didn't really have too much to think about yet. I was divorced and childless, but happy in a relationship and thought life was good. My mom died when I was 46 and I realized that life is actually quite short and something like a dream.

I'm months from 50 now, have a 7-year old son (a lovely surprise in my mid-life) and am still with the guy I was with at 40, so I know it's not exactly the same as your situation. However, we all share the same experience of being women in an age where youth is idealized and, despite being hugely influenced in the 70's by Greer and Steinem, we deal with the conflicted feelings around the need to be attractive and desirable (by whom, one might ask?) Keep growin' sister!!

Great article. I really appreciate the frank statements about wanting the not-so-realistic husband and children at 45, because it highlights a situation so many middle-aged people now face. We’re all so busy trying to find ourselves through the pursuit of an education and fulfilling career that we never do get around to finding what it is we really want. Perhaps then we should consider instead what it is we don’t want. I can tell you from speaking to elderly folk that loneliness is by far the biggest fear as we get older. And so without a significant other and/or children this fear may very likely becomes a reality for us singletons. How important will a degree and defunct career be then?

Thanks Carla, for the thoughts. As a mid (OK, late) 30s male, who's spent most of his life single, but not necessarily wanting to be, i can somehow relate. At least to the not having a family part. I guess this is what we're left with in the early part of this 21st century hey? No kids, nor permanent partner, but hey-we've got freedom!

and just so you know Carla, you're not alone. Here's a little something.......recently, i've gone back to college (getting some of the education i always felt i missed out on), and there are, as you can imagine, many very attractive young females (to which i am quite invisible, being past 30) and yes, they're fun to look at, however, try having a conversation...??....oh my. No, I'd rather spend the time chatting with a confident, life-experienced, thoughtful, mature woman, who's not totally preoccupied with her appearance, anytime.

Hip hip hooray for spelling out Freedom!

I wish more women could experience the satisfaction of fully exploring their options rather than feeling they need to be somewhere or with someone in life to justify their existence.

It's like being in a moving car and passing by all the girlfriends who issued marriage ultimatums, decided to have the 2.5 kids with the $500K house in the 'burbs - and just waving to them because you're on a highway road just for you.

My biggest peeve right now is friends who insist that having children is the only thing left to make my world perfect. Never mind that I am not financially robust enough to provide for a child (never mind 2). Never mind that my less than 700 sq ft condo isn't child-friendly. Never mind that I perhaps don't want to give up a life of coming home to tranquility and not freaking out over goodie bags for a 1-year old's party.

This peeve only comes second to women who find themselves furiously wanting to get married between 25 - 30, to the point of sending boyfriends JPGs of diamonds and wedding cakes on MSN Messenger (you know who you are, we know who you are, so stop it already).

I wish people would relish their choices more rather than become prisoners of the choices that people think they need to make.

Also, I've never understood why people are so scared of aging. It happens. You can't go living your life trying to stave off that which is inevitable. That is not to say that you can't find some elixir of joy in affording that Creme de Mer for your face, but when I see women like Sophia Loren or Catherine Deneuve, I don't think to myself that their time has past. Rather, I think "now that's a life well-lived".

Having recently turned 60, I can empathize with Carla and her core level consciousness of her own mortality. My own experience has been one of coming to value even more highly those core beliefs that have shaped my own life. I am becoming more of an activist, more concerned about the world in which my children live, and more concerned about my relationships with those I love.

I too chose a life that was more solitary than the norm. I was fortunate to have an ongoing challenging career and children. The lack of the traditional wife (spouse?) did not seem to be as significant given that wealth of delightful and interesting people in our most fortunate part of the planet.

As a male I was not as caught by the beauty mystic as many of my female friends; however, I do understand the feelings of loss expressed by Carla.

For what it may be worth Carla, you need not fear invisibility. There are many of us who value insight, experience, and even wisdom in those we love. Not all of us in the male half of the species are enchanted by the mass marketers' visions of attractiveness!