Unplanning Your Wedding

I began planning my June wedding just about this time last year. The timing was perfect. After all, it was Wedding Fair weekend, an annual event that draws thousands of brides, grooms, their friends and families to Vancouver's Bayshore Hotel in search of the latest in fashion trends, cake designs, floral arrangements, and honeymoon hotspots.

Months before, my fiancé had proposed to me at Spanish Banks. He'd said he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me. I'd cried and squeaked "yes". On the way home we'd stopped for champagne and crème brule as we admired the diamond ring sparkling by candlelight.

Maybe I should have blinked away the glitter in my eyes and seen the warning signs. I don't know. All I can say is hind sight is 20/20 when you're looking down a wedding aisle you never got to walk.

Tip #1 Buy house together after you're married

Stress is planning a wedding, as I did, with two recently-divorced parents who aren't speaking to one another. Added stress is trying to arrange a Cadillac-caliber event on a Pinto-sized budget.

We made it worse by shopping around for a townhouse. In March we found our dream home in North Burnaby: Large rooms and a kitchen with stainless steel appliances and maple cabinetry.

In April I sold my condo and removed the final subjects for buying our new home.

This should have been a joyous occasion. Small detail: The day after I sold my condo my fiancé announced that he was infatuated with a woman in his master's program and didn't love me enough to marry me.

This was at 4 p.m. the day before Good Friday and we were to sign the final purchase papers for the townhouse the next day. Our realtor warned us that we could be sued if we tried to back out of the deal. As it was a long weekend we couldn't seek any legal advice. I had a good job and he was a student, so we agreed to go ahead and split the down payment, but that I would live in the townhouse and pay the mortgage, which had been approved based on my salary.

Still, I felt as though I was being torn apart. As the realtor slipped the pen into my hand, I uttered "I'm not sure about this, I'm not sure." Seconds later he dashed out the door with the completed sales forms. Five minutes later, my ex left the condo with a suitcase full of his toiletries and clothes. Alone, I was left with the realization that I'd just purchased a home with the person I loved and thought I'd spend the rest of my life with, but who had just abandoned me.

Not able to sit still, I went downtown to cancel my wedding registries. Being sentimental, I purchased a souvenir for myself from each of the registries and received a 10 per cent "sympathy" discount. I went home with six pewter Wedgwood coasters for $18 a piece and a cute glass butter dish for $5.50.

Tip #2 Beware the 'gassy' fiancé

Wedding magazines and web sites say that planning a wedding is remarkably unromantic and can create tension in a relationship. I mistakenly chalked up a lot of warning signs to that. Here are some of the things I missed:

We had the engagement ring crafted in July, yet my fiancé procrastinated over proposing to me until I set a deadline for the end of summer. Later, he said he knew back then that he didn't love me as he once had.

When I surprised my fiancé at Christmas with airline tickets to Las Vegas, accommodation at New York New York and Cirque de Soleil tickets, he reacted as though he'd received a pair of socks. He said "wow, thanks" as he turned his attention to peeling a mandarin orange.

He claims he said "I love you" less often after Christmas.

I felt like Mrs. Roper because he was rarely in the mood, saying that he was "gassy" or that it would "drain his creativity." Is that where a man's creativity is stored? That wasn't covered in the Human Sexuality course I took at UBC.

We chose Green Day's "Time of Your Life" as our wedding song. The actual title of the song is "Good Riddance."

My fiancé kept forgetting to apply for the marriage license.

Tip #3 Minimize the money you put down

We lost just over $1,000 in actual wedding expenses. Besides tossing out the wedding invitations, I walked away from the $450 deposit on my dreamy satin and organza ivory wedding dress and we lost the deposit we placed on False Creek Yacht Club for the wedding and reception. We received refunds for everything else, except the engagement ring. Try to minimize the amounts you put down for deposits, and draw up a contract stating who will pay for the losses should the wedding not go ahead. While common sense may dictate that the person who bails should pay, it's better to put it in writing and have it witnessed.

Tip #4 Consider a 'good riddance' celebration

I wish I could say that I bounced back right away. Instead, I felt absolutely devastated and distraught. My biggest mistake was that instead of feeling angry, I blamed myself. Now, nine months later, I'm feeling whole again, but it was an uphill battle. Below are some of the things that helped me get to where I am now.

I saw a counselor who helped me deal with my new reality, and against some people's advice adopted a "change of life" kitten to distract me.

To help me cope on what was to have been my actual wedding day, June 28, five of my closest friends spent the day with me - one even drove down from Prince George. I called it my "Good Riddance Celebration." We had afternoon tea at a fancy inn, shopped along Robson Street, dined at a gourmet restaurant and checked into a four star hotel. To commemorate the day, I gave each of my guests a copy of the Green Day single.

Tip #5 Honeymoon anyway, alone

In August, after moving into the townhouse, I signed up for a couple of Internet dating web sites. While I got my share of "hits", the process lost its glamour when it turned out one of my dates' two brothers were drug dealers and his teeth were rotting out of his head.

In the autumn, I plunged ahead with a two-week trip to Montreal and Quebec City that I had originally planned as our honeymoon. In October, I briefly forgot my grief while enjoying an Indian summer discovering Canada's piece of Europe. I recall sipping a latte on the patio of a small café in old Quebec City and realizing that I felt like my normal self again for the first time since the breakup.

This trip fortified me and I was stronger when I returned.

Which helped a lot when I learned that my employer had restructured and eliminated my job.

Oh well (as I tend to say a lot these days). Just last month, after turning 31, I began to feel certain for the first time that the breakup was for the best. I credit a couple of recent weeks that offered a sense of enlightenment.

I dated an intriguing man with qualities I now see I had yearned for in my ex-fiancé. I now know that men can hook up a VCR, can order a pizza from a take-out menu without assistance, and can have sex more than twice a month without any negative affects on their creativity. I feel it was a lesson well learned and I've learned more about what I'm looking for in a future romantic partner.

Brenda Jones is a Vancouver journalist whose articles have appeared in The Vancouver Courier and elsewhere.