Stephen Colbert's Remarks to President Bush
Maybe you've seen the video. Here is the transcript.
(Editor's note: It's the viral video that just won't quit. At the White House Correspondents' Dinner this past weekend, Stephen Colbert lambasted the president, the White House press corps, Supreme Court Justice Scalia, Cheney and just about every sheltered official both present and not. Here is the original video. Below is the transcript of Colbert's remarks.)
Thank you, ladies and gentlemen. Before I begin, I've been asked to make an announcement. Whoever parked 14 black bulletproof SUVs out front, could you please move them. They are blocking in 14 other black bulletproof SUVs, and they need to get out.
Wow, wow, what an honor. The White House Correspondents' Dinner. To just sit here, at the same table with my hero, George W. Bush, to be this close to the man. I feel like I'm dreaming. Somebody pinch me. You know what? I'm a pretty sound sleeper -- that may not be enough. Somebody shoot me in the face.
Is he really not here tonight? The one guy who could have helped. By the way, before I get started, if anybody needs anything at their tables, speak slowly and clearly into your table numbers and somebody from the NSA will be right over with a cocktail.
Mark Smith, ladies and gentlemen of the press corps, Mr. President and first lady, my name is Stephen Colbert and it's my privilege tonight to celebrate this president. He's not so different, he and I. We both get it. We're not brainiacs on the nerd patrol. We're not members of the factinista. We go straight from the gut, right, sir? That's where the truth lies, right down here in the gut. Do you know you have more nerve endings in your gut than you have in your head? You can look it up.
I know some of you are going to say, "I did look it up, and that's not true." That's because you looked it up in a book. Next time look it up in your gut. I did. My gut tells me that's how our nervous system works. Every night on my show, The Colbert Report, I speak straight from the gut, OK? I give people the truth, unfiltered by rational argument. I call it the No Fact Zone. Fox News, I own the copyright on that term.
'I believe in this president'
I'm a simple man with a simple mind, with a simple set of beliefs that I live by. No. 1, I believe in America. I believe it exists.
My gut tells me I live there. I feel that it extends from the Atlantic to the Pacific, and I strongly believe it has 50 states. And I cannot wait to see how the Washington Post spins that one tomorrow. I believe in democracy. I believe democracy is our greatest export. At least until China figures out a way to stamp it out in plastic for three cents a unit. In fact, Ambassador Zhou Wenzhong, welcome. Your great country makes our Happy Meals possible. I said it's a celebration.
I believe the government that governs best is the government that governs least. And by these standards, we have set up a fabulous government in Iraq.
I believe in pulling yourself up by your own bootstraps. I believe it is possible -- I saw this guy do it once in Cirque du Soleil. It was magical. And though I am a committed Christian, I believe that everyone has the right to their own religion, be it Hindu, Jewish or Muslim. I believe there are infinite paths to accepting Jesus Christ as your personal savior.
Ladies and gentlemen, I believe it's yogurt. But I refuse to believe it's not butter. Most of all, I believe in this president.
Now, I know there are some polls out there saying this man has a 32 percent approval rating. But guys like us, we don't pay attention to the polls. We know that polls are just a collection of statistics that reflect what people are thinking in "reality." And reality has a well-known liberal bias.
So, Mr. President, pay no attention to the people that say the glass is half full. 32 percent means the glass -- it's important to set up your jokes properly, sir. Sir, pay no attention to the people who say the glass is half empty, because 32 percent means it's two-thirds empty. There's still some liquid in that glass is my point. But I wouldn't drink it. The last third is usually backwash.
Folks, my point is that I don't believe this is a low point in this presidency. I believe it is just a lull before a comeback. I mean, it's like the movie "Rocky." The president is Rocky, and Apollo Creed is everything else in the world. It's the 10th round. He's bloodied, his corner man, Mick, who in this case would be the vice president, and he's yelling "Cut me, Dick, cut me!" And every time he falls, everyone says, "Stay down, Rocky! Stay down!" Does he stay down? No. Like Rocky he gets back up, and in the end he -- actually loses in the first movie.
OK. It doesn't matter. The point is the heart-warming story of a man who was repeatedly punched in the face. So don't pay attention to the approval ratings that say 68 percent of Americans disapprove of the job this man is doing. I ask you this, does that not also logically mean that 68 percent approve of the job he's not doing? Think about it. I haven't.
'Misery accomplished'
I stand by this man because he stands for things. Not only for things, he stands on things. Things like aircraft carriers, and rubble and recently flooded city squares. And that sends a strong message that, no matter what happens to America, she will always rebound with the most powerfully staged photo-ops in the world.
Now, there may be an energy crisis. This president has a very forward-thinking energy policy. Why do you think he's down on the ranch cutting that brush all the time? He's trying to create an alternative energy source. By 2008 we will have a mesquite-powered car.
And I just like the guy. He's a good Joe. Obviously loves his wife, calls her his better half. And polls show America agrees. She's a true lady and a wonderful woman.
But I just have one beef, ma'am. I'm sorry, but this reading initiative. I've never been a fan of books. I don't trust them. They're all fact, no heart. I mean, they're elitist, telling us what is or isn't true, what did or didn't happen. Who's Britannica to tell me the Panama Canal was built in 1914? If I want to say it was built in 1941, that's my right as an American. I'm with the president -- let history decide what did or did not happen.
The greatest thing about this man is he's steady. You know where he stands. He believes the same thing Wednesday that he believed on Monday, no matter what happened Tuesday. Events can change; this man's beliefs never will. And as excited as I am to be here with the president, I am appalled to be surrounded by the liberal media that is destroying America, with the exception of Fox News.
Fox News gives you both sides of every story, the president's side and the vice president's side.
But the rest of you, what are you thinking, reporting on NSA wiretapping or secret prisons in Eastern Europe? Those things are secret for a very important reason -- they're superdepressing.
And if that's your goal, well, misery accomplished. Over the last five years you people were so good over tax cuts, WMD intelligence, the effect of global warming. We Americans didn't want to know, and you had the courtesy not to try to find out. Those were good times, as far as we knew.
But, listen, let's review the rules. Here's how it works. The president makes decisions; he's the decider. The press secretary announces those decisions, and you people of the press type those decisions down. Make, announce, type. Put them through a spell check and go home. Get to know your family again. Make love to your wife. Write that novel you got kicking around in your head. You know, the one about the intrepid Washington reporter with the courage to stand up to the administration. You know -- fiction.
'Nothing satisfies you'
Because really, what incentive do these people have to answer your questions, after all? I mean, nothing satisfies you. Everybody asks for personnel changes. So the White House has personnel changes. Then you write they're just rearranging the deck chairs on the Titanic. First of all, that is a terrible metaphor. This ship is not sinking. This administration is soaring. If anything, they are rearranging the deck chairs on the Hindenburg.
Now, it's not all bad guys out there. Some heroes, Christopher Buckley, Jeff Sachs, Ken Burns, Bob Schieffer. By the way, Mr. President, thank you for agreeing to be on my show. I was just as shocked as everyone here is, I promise you. How is Tuesday night for you? I've got Frank Rich, but we can bump him. I mean bump him. I know a guy; just say the word.
Let's see who we got here tonight: Gen. Mosley, Air Force chief of staff. Gen. Peter Pace. They still support Rumsfeld. You guys aren't retired yet, right? Right, they still support Rumsfeld. Look, by the way, I've got a theory about how to handle these retired generals causing all this trouble: Don't let them retire. C'mon, we've got a stop-loss program. Let's use it on these guys. I've seen Zinni and those guys on Wolf Blitzer: If you're strong enough to go on one of those pundit shows, you can stand on a bank of computers and order men into battle. C'mon.
Jesse Jackson is here. I had him on the show. Very interesting and challenging interview. You can ask him anything, but he's going to say what he wants at the pace that he wants.
It's like boxing a glacier. Enjoy that metaphor, because your grandchildren will have no idea what a glacier is. Justice Scalia's here. May I be the first to say welcome, sir. [He makes a series of obscene Italian gestures]. You look fantastic. How are you?
John McCain is here. John McCain -- John McCain. What a maverick. Somebody find out what fork he used on his salad, because I guarantee you it wasn't a salad fork. He could have used a spoon. There's no predicting him. So wonderful to see you coming back into the Republican fold. I have a summer house in South Carolina; look me up when you go to speak at Bob Jones University. So glad you've seen the light.
Mayor Nagin is here from New Orleans, the chocolate city. Yeah, give it up. Mayor Nagin, I would like to welcome you to Washington, D.C., the chocolate city with a marshmallow center. And a graham cracker crust of corruption. It's a Mallomar is what I'm describing, a seasonal cookie.
Joe Wilson is here, the most famous husband since Desi Arnaz. And of course he brought along his lovely wife, Valerie Plame. Oh, my god! Oh, what have I said? I am sorry, Mr. President. I meant to say he brought along his lovely wife, Joe Wilson's wife.
Patrick Fitzgerald is not here tonight? Dodged a bullet.
And of course we can't forget the man of the hour, new Press Secretary Tony Snow. Secret service name, Snow Job. What a hero. Took the second toughest job in government, next to, of course, the ambassador to Iraq.
Got some big shoes to fill, Tony. Scott McClellan could say nothing like nobody else. McClellan, eager to retire. Really felt like he needed to spend more time with Andrew Card's children. Mr. President, I wish you hadn't made the decision too quickly, sir. I was vying for the job. I think I would have made a fabulous press secretary. I have nothing but contempt for these people. I know how to handle these clowns. In fact, sir, I brought along an audition tape, and with your indulgence, I'd like to at least give it a shot. So, ladies and gentlemen, my press conference.
For a video of the above, go HERE. For the text of the Audition Tape, go HERE, HERE or HERE.
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Avicenna
5 years ago
Comments on "Stephen Colbert's Remarks to President Bush&qu
When I saw this history-in-the-making episode, I not only laughed till I cried, I was absolutely mesmerized. I loved Stephen's satire-laden wit before this momentous occasion, but now I bow to his absolutely heart-warming gall. No one has equalled his mace-laced humour with such panache and courage. Obviously his aim was more than just a laugh track, it was a statement of truthiness so baren it hurt to watch without flinching. Stephen, we're not worthy, and may your "No fact zone" echo on for some time to come. Amen - as every soul - be they Hindu, Jew, or Muslim - would say once they've accepted Jesus Christ as their lord and saviour....
pale
5 years ago
I have been following this in the US blogs for a while now, and I was laughing so hard when I saw it.
It seems Mr Colbert struck a nerve with the Press and the President. The press barely mentioned it unless it was to call him unfunny. There is also a clip being passed online of Bushs reactions while watching the "audition" tape. Bush went from smirk, to disgusted shake of the head to that weird jaw thing he does...Whitehouse aides were caught getting the heck out of there because as one said, Bush was about to blow.
Using Helen Thomas was a stroke of genius too.
jesterjogger
5 years ago
It's been a painful 5 years since that evil gargoyle was installed by the corporate elite.
Watching SC eviserate him on CPAC was almost as much fun as the upcoming impeachment hearings after his filthy party gets clobbered in November.
G West
5 years ago
From Niall Ferguson's column in today's Los Angeles Times:
It's No. 5 that really interests me because it's actually a high-probability, high-impact event. Indeed, it's not just high probability. It's already happening.
The headline event has been the decision by newly elected Bolivian President Evo Morales — predicted in this column Feb. 13 — to nationalize his country's energy sector.
But the swing to the left is not a purely Latin American story. The left won last month's Italian elections. The French government recently caved in to street protests by trade unions and leftist students. And in the United States, the Democrats are poised to make gains in the November midterm elections.
The reason so many commentators are missing this political shift is that, as relatively high earners, they are mostly cut off from its social drivers.
Driver No. 1 is inequality, which has risen quite markedly within most economies in the last decade, mainly because tax systems have become less progressive and the fruits of the world's rapid growth have been disproportionately distributed to the owners of corporations and the executives who run them.
Income distribution in the U.S. has not been this unequal since before World War II — the last time that the top 1% of earners accounted for more than 14% of all income (excluding capital gains). The average pay for a chief executive in the U.S. increased 27% last year to more than $11 million. By contrast, the average wage earner took home less than $45,000 in 2004, up roughly 3% from the year before.
In 1940, the average top executive's salary was about 68 times the average worker's earnings; now, it's more like 200 times higher.
The second driver of the swing to the left is ethnic conflict. Take the issue of immigration. You might think rising immigration would lead to a backlash on the right, not the left, and you'd be right. But the net effect of xenophobia — which is most likely to be felt by blue-collar, indigenous voters — is often to benefit the left because it tends to split the right.
That's already detectable in North America and continental Europe. It could prove to be true in Britain too.
Granted, last week's front pages in Britain were dominated by Labor's heavy losses in local elections. But the real story was that the far-right British National Party won 11 of the 13 seats it contested in East London.
According to opinion polls, about a third of British voters now regard immigration as the most important issue facing the country. Polls taken before last week's elections revealed that 24% of likely voters had considered, or were considering, voting BNP. If there had been more BNP candidates last week, it seems certain, there would have been more BNP votes. And not all of them would have been taken from Labor.
No trend is ever universal, of course. But history would lead us to expect that a period of widening inequality be followed by a bout of political populism.
There are many reasons to be cheerful these days, as I said. But not everyone is cheerful, especially the further down the income pyramid you go. And that's an opportunity for a new generation of political leaders.
Bolivian gas nationalization may be just the first of many high-impact events the markets haven't priced in.
jesterjogger
5 years ago
Viva Chavez!!!!
Viva Castro!!!!
Viva Morales!!!!
BC Mary
5 years ago
Bring 'em on ... Colbert. Rick Mercer. Mow the bastards down with laughter.
I hope for the day when George W. Bush's downward spiral crashes and burns; followed by his adoring little brother.
I dunno, but this may be a start. Stephen Harper as a fashionista gave rise, so to speak, to the beer belly ... now you can buy one and strap it on. Thousands are.
Beer belly sales in the U.S. and Canada are a booming business, I hear. And great for smuggling cans of beer into church. Or hockey games.
Stevie would look great, especially if he acquired that stupid expression of martyrdom which took possession of Stockwell Day's face, after he changed his name to Doris. Anybody seen ValOrie lately?
pale
5 years ago
Rick Mercer always seems to nail the subject so bang on...Gotta love his rants.
Heres a good chuckle..the question of the day? Was it Laura who knocked them out?
http://www.dailykos.com/story/2006/5/8/13337/27030
I still like the line that was hacked into the Toronto transit system "Stephen Harper eats babies!"
Humour will get us through a bit until we can get these gits out of office.
Coyote
5 years ago
Brilliant and biting. Not the bravest act I ever saw of course, but that still took some kind of guts.
And GWest is right. "The Left" is slowly, steadily , painfully, and not infrequently with laughter, setting these fukers up for the fall.
With their help now, nind. They are capable of incredible cruelty, but with such Keystone Cops choreographed bungling and ineptitude.For which we should gleefully thank them as they fall by us into the goddamned tank. Then flush the bastards.
Now, that was a fun read.
Bailey
5 years ago
It'll be interesting to compare this performance with the Edward R. Morrow piece where he punctures the unlamented Senator Joe McCarthy of Unamerican Activity fame.
Morrow's piece was magnificently brave, unflinchingly true, and brought McCarthyism to an end, arguably.
Colbert's piece, delivered as it was to Bush's face, might be even braver. I hope it will be as effective in shining the light of truth on a tyrant, and illuminating him for all to see.
Realist
5 years ago
I feel sorry for the poor boob who approved having Colbert speak!! He's probably discovered the body of Jimmy Hoffa by now. If these guys can't even protect themselves from a comedian is it any wonder it is so easy to prove their ideologies so weak.
Jeffrey J.
5 years ago
This was one of the most heroic public performances of this century. I hope it spells a turning point: one for the better. It is hard to be optimistic as we face the concentration of power by people like Bush. But hats off to Colbert's fearless performance. Another location to video is at CSPAN:
http://www.c-span.org/
lynn
5 years ago
oh, I so agree. It hurts to even read it without flinching... but in a very, very good way.
The tension in that room must have been unbelievable...because Colbert simply does not let up...no half way measure...fearlessly full throttle.
kootowl
5 years ago
With Colbert's direct comic hits and Neil Young's "Let's Impeach the President," one hopes that the momentum will continue to gather. As much as celebrity culture makes me cringe, it's great to see some people use their celebrity with candor and courage to push the envelope a bit.
D. Faulkner
5 years ago
I love it, sure wish I could have been there, to watch GW squirm, trying to be all nicey nice. This was even better than Michael Moore's stinging accusations about Shame, during his acceptance speech (Bowling for Columbine).
What gets me is the mainstream media conveniently let this one slip by. Guess it's to be expected, most news are all whitewashed anyway, especially when it comes to protecting the neo-cons in the White House. Thanks be given for alternative media, such as The Tyee, for bringing information such as this to our attention.
Guess the guy who OK'd Colbert for that night's entertainment is polishing latrines in Antarctica by now.
Don F.
mystified
5 years ago
And don't forget Pink's "Dear Mr. President" that took on more than just the Iraq war and had her young fans singing along with her. Another demographic having their spokeperson...the message is spreading: Bush is unconscionable. He is beyond a joke. He is deadly, and needs to be stopped.
jesterjogger
5 years ago
Same goes for harper and gordo.
Filthy crooks.
Avicenna
5 years ago
Well, Heather Mallick reliably gave a good review on Colbert's performance http://www.cbc.ca/news/viewpoint/vp_mallick/20060505.html in CBC's viewpoint. She even gives all those who are particularly appreciative of his stark honesty (and as Jon Stewart put it, "balliciousness") a means to thank him at http://www.thankyoustephencolbert.org/.
VancouverPointGreen
5 years ago
The tide is turning and Stephen Colbert is at the helm for the US. So why is our Stephen wanting to increase our military and set up bases along our coasts while increasing the war machine in this peace-loving nation. Cut social welfare infrastructure, subsidize the depletion of our natural resourses, and watch our ecosystems die like the eggs of the bald eagles on Horby... It's the new Canadian way--the old American way!
Way to take the lead Stephen! Canada loves you!
pale
5 years ago
Can we make Stephen Colbert the new PM? lol
Former BC Boy
5 years ago
Yes, I too have seen the video of Stephen Colbert's presentation!
I have also read the transcipt.
VERY FUNNY INDEED!
Thank you G WEST for the post from Niall Ferguson!
It reminds me of the WTO protests in Seattle in 1999 which I was involved in. At that time the media was also clueless! They kept asking "Why are you protesting?" and "Where did this large group of protesters come from?". If they had actually talked to common people instead of the corporate and government flacks for a change they might I have seen it coming.
Also, why are entertainers (Neil Young, Pearl Jam, Pink, Eminem, the Daily Show, etc.) and average citizens (like Ray McGovern confronting Donald Rumsfeld in Atlanta recently) asking the questions? I guess the media are unable to say "LIAR"!
Lastly, where are IAMC, Tax Cutter, etc. on this post?
I guess the truth hurts!
Kevan Hudson
Suncheon, South Korea
G West
5 years ago
Former BC Boy
Cheers. I really liked what Ray McGovern did to Rumsfeld. Immediately countered by an hour-long hagiographic interview on Fox.
They've never been much for humour; our little right wingers, I mean.
I think you'll find them on another thread putting criminals in jail for life.
Realist
5 years ago
Maybe they are speachless! Hey I think we are on to something here!!!
seanorr
5 years ago
But why is it always comedians who take on bush? Or movie stars and musicians? what about the Democrats? Aside from Feingold's motion to censure bush, what have they done? you have hawks like Hillary and Lieberman calling for an attack on Iran to protect Israel! They're all just as loyal to corporate lobbyists. Will it have to be total economic collapse that finally provides the impetus for change?
Realist
5 years ago
It really does not matter which party one belongs to be they democrate, republican, N.D.P. or Liberal. Every single party must please the corporate giant in one way or another. If not, then just as Patterson said "why should I keep my business in a country that does not promote the welfare of my businesses" (I.E. Corporate tax breaks)( absolute lack of morals or civic pride). To challenge these things is to risk the loss of businesses and thus appear to be damaging the province/state that you represent. Corporate power is all mighty and this is why I say we need global leaders who can work together to keep corporations in check. As it is now, to risk corporate wrath is to risk electoral power. All politicians really do is walk a constant tightrope of trying to appear in the best interests of their electorate while actually promoting the wishes of corporate power. The G-8 should be setting a flat corporate tax rate to remove the insentive for corporations to leave while ensuring that governments maintain enough taxation money to fund needed social programs. Unfortunately, the G-8 is run by corporate interests (I.E. GREED), and not what is best for the citizens of their countries.
ripponfalls
5 years ago
Comedians do it because it is the one attack which is unanswerable... well, the one if you exclude having someone whacked, that is... by all the right wing demogogues and their captive commentators.
No talking points, no changing subjects, will overcome it.
bcneocon
5 years ago
Funny comments here. Some comedian skewers Bush and the Washington media and all of a sudden Che Guevera is rising from the grave to rid the world of Capitalism forever. It was a funny spech though.