Life

Rise of the 'Cuddle Party'

Gatherings serve a yearning for non-sexual touching.

By Allison Cross, 29 Mar 2006, TheTyee.ca

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Hasidic Jews are cuddling with gay men on the floor of a local community centre. A bicycle courier just asked a millionaire to rub his feet. A 60-year-old woman is enjoying the non-sexual touches of four different men.

No, this isn't an orgy, nor an elaborately orchestrated slumber party for a 14-year-old and her best gal pals, but a Platonic grouping of consenting adults just looking for some PG-rated "affectionate play."

Spouting dissatisfaction with the superficiality of the bar scene and the remoteness of Internet-based friend sites like MySpace, Friendster and the Facebook, and reacting against the ever-decreasing frequency of meaningful connections with others and increasing taboos on social non-sexual touching, it seems cuddle party fans everywhere want to get down, but not dirty.

Give a little, get a little

So what is it? A cuddle party, in essence, consists of a small group of participants -- over the age of 18 - who pay a fee to cuddle in a controlled environment. Before hunkering down on pillows and blankets in their PJs and sweats, participants undergo a "welcome circle" where trained facilitators offer icebreaking games and exercises and explain the rules of the impending activity. These parties started in New York, but are spreading quickly through the US and Canada.

"We touched a nerve -- pun intended," says Reid Mihalko, who witnessed the cuddle scene described above. He, alongside fellow NYC-based sex and relationship therapist, Marcia Baczynski, created the cuddle party concept.

"What seems pretty obvious is it's not just babies who need to be touched. Our society doesn't really have a place for people to get welcomed attention to touch, unless you're in a relationship."

But, there are rules to cuddling -- strict ones.

Don't cuddle me there

"You have to ask and get a verbal 'yes' before you can touch anybody." Outside the cuddle party environment "some people ask for permission and they don't wait for a yes or no, and it makes people uncomfortable about touch. And it's little things that make people feel like they have no control in their lives," says Mihalko. "This is probably the most important rule."

Participants practice an exercise before the cuddle round begins where they ask their partner if they can kiss them and the partner says no, regardless of whether they want to be kissed or not.

Mihalko is quick to point out that by setting boundaries, participants learn that it's permissible to reject an offer of physical contact and that this rejection won't emotionally injure the other participants.

Participants say before their first party, they often experienced squeamishness, fright, or a general belief that others are ugly - making them hesitant to cuddle. But once they get there, few people even think about keeping their hands to themselves.

Let's cuddle in a pile of maple leafs

Some people say they are powerfully drawn to the events. "I ended up flying to NYC just to go to a party -- which felt a little bit crazy," says Cecilia Moorcroft, a Feng Shui consultant from Toronto.

"My own experience of it, when it got to the day, was that I was terrified. I mean it's pretty strange. I kept thinking 'Who's going to be there? What if nobody wants to cuddle with me?"

But spurred on by the inclusive atmosphere of the welcome circle and the opportunity to talk to others about touch, among other things, Moorcroft says she dove right in.

"It was actually a revolutionary thing for me. I said no to everybody who asked me to cuddle and I only cuddled with people I asked. I found it deeply relaxing; I was completely blissed out, just completely high."

So enamoured was she with the experience, that Moorcroft soon hopped another plane to California and enrolled in the cuddle party certification course. Now, the only "bona fide expert" in cuddle party facilitation in Canada, Moorcroft regularly holds parties for Canadian cuddlers in the Toronto area.

In the event of a sexual emergency

A cuddle party isn't just an excuse for an orgy, they say. No, really.

"Dry humping is crossing the line, we had to draw the line somewhere," says Mihalko. "But we've never had to throw anyone out for dry humping. It's worded that way to make people giggle. We need people to start giggling in order to start talking about sex."

Don't think these cuddlers ignore the notion that the very act of adult cuddling often either precedes or follows the act of sex. No one wearing the cuddle party badge will deny that sexual feelings are an inevitable part of the experience.

But acting on those feelings is not.

"There are so many mixed messages around sex; that touch must lead to sex. We're trying to untangle the message that touch doesn't need to lead to sex. It's ok to be aroused, but we think we're going to lose control. Adults can control themselves."

In the event of a "sexual energy overload," the lifeguards -- a handy name for the event facilitators -- ring a bell, a signal for the participants to find their swim buddy.

"In a sexual energy emergency, you hold your hands above your head and the lifeguard counts hands to make sure nobody has drowned in the sexual energy," says Mihalko.

"But we've never had to ring the bell. It's just never happened."

I've got 105 virtual friends

So, why are the parties gaining converts? While the idea of caressing someone's bunion-encrusted feet doesn't necessarily sound like a source of pleasure to many and most, it's difficult not to categorize the cuddling trend as a reaction to its antithesis: the cold and calculated realm of online dating -- where personalities are trimmed until only the desirable is evident and actual contact is rare. Many participants say they wanted real human beings and real human touch.

Stress relief is another draw. "People want something that makes them feel good, and takes away the pressure of a modern life and gives them the notion of a genuine connection with others," says Ian Pierpoint, senior vice-president of Synovate, head of their youth research division.

"It's very hard to figure out what you're going to do and where you're going to go with the future so uncertain," he says, referring to a major global study of 18 to 25-year-olds that highlighted an overall sentiment of anxiety and constant stress.

"It's better than cutting yourself, hurting yourself. Those sorts of control behaviours are the opposite of a cuddle party," says Pierpoint.

Current youth behaviour suggests they want inclusive relationships, but these are problematic. On websites like MySpace, Facebook and Hi5, users can add countless friends to their lists, whether they have met them or not. The more friends they have, or comments on their spaces, the cooler and more connected they are.

"People have hundreds of friends online, friends they've never met. It's about volume and being able to chat with them whenever you like. This has caused a huge societal problem. Relationships have become more shallow. It's easy to tell someone over text that you don't want to see them anymore. Kids don't like speaking to each other in a verbal way and they don't know how to read body language," says Pierpoint.

After a cuddle, there's coffee

But while the parties are "non-sexual," Mihalko admits about 80 percent of their "guests" are single and looking for a way to connect. He says the parties are effective because "the head games and weirdness of dating outside a cuddle party are taken out of the picture. Single people are feeling really safe coming to cuddle parties and getting their touch needs met."

Mihalko and Moorcroft both point to the immediate creation of a social network alongside the creation of the cuddle party. Even if cuddlers don't end up dating each other, they still might be introduced to their circle of friends.

"Especially living in a big city like New York, LA, or Toronto, it's really hard to connect with people in a genuine fashion. It's hard to talk to people," says Moorcroft.

"It's ok to have an intimate conversation with somebody, without it being at the bar with alcohol or drugs, or really loud."

You'll get a ticket for unofficial cuddling

But when all is said and done, Mihalko isn't about to recommend any amateur cuddling. The unique effectiveness of this activity is a tribute to its rules, welcoming environment and trained facilitators.

"We're not just telling everyone to go throw cuddle parties. You really encounter different sets of problems when you're dealing with the public. To date, we've trained 52 people and18 people have been certified," he says.

In addition to cuddle parties in London and Zurich, the touch fiesta recently went down under, with a party in Australia just three weeks ago. Mihalko says that similar activities are offered all over the globe, but that some are cuddle party rip-offs or don't promote the same openness and discussion of sexual energy.

I'm too old to cuddle him

Standing up from their chairs, eyes red and face tanned from their mammoth monitors, it's unclear whether computer junkies will throw their virtual relationships to the wayside and embrace an all-out touch fest. Or whether that lonely widow will leave her apartment for the first time in three weeks in order to cuddle with that lusty postal worker from down the block.

Hang-ups and squeamishness aside, Mihalko reckons British Columbians would be more open to cuddling outside the box than they would think.

Allison Cross is on staff at The Tyee. [Tyee]

28 Comments:

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  • Yammer

    5 years ago

    Comments on "Rise of the 'Cuddle Party'"

    Awesome.

    Let's get Brain and Coyote and Allan and Fii and Anne Cameron and Frank and Colin and Redrivergirl and...

    No, on second thoughts, nevermind.

  • jacked

    5 years ago

    This article reminds me of the indifference society has for the social ills confronting us all in this province.Perpetuated no doubt by the elite to mollify the masses.
    Thanks for the contribution Tyee.

  • Jack's

    5 years ago

    One woman being touched (non-sexually) by four guys?
    I'll bet all five are hoping it will progress to the next step.

  • freebear

    5 years ago

    This story is a window into how humanity is being overwhelmed by consumption and greed.

    Yes human touch is desired, wanted and needed.

    Unfortunate that some now have to pay to get some human touch!

  • haraldkann

    5 years ago

    everybody wants to be touched ?

    yes indeed,especially by those...we...find worthy/attractive.
    it may be human nature to want,but it is also human nature to choose.choosing to interelate and bond with our peers is only possible if we can make those connections known to other parties.
    having a party so some one can touch me reeks of the dysfunctional wanting in on something they are incapable of doing on their own.

    sounds like we are enabling the dysfunctional
    for some wierd societal experiment.

  • reuben

    5 years ago

    Need to be touched? Go ride the skytrain at around 4:30 in the afternoon - plenty of human contact. Mostly non-sexual.

  • nightbloom

    5 years ago

    For some reason, the article brought to mind two friends of mine from my past lives, one of whom was a wheelchair-bound gay man, and other a quite obese straight woman. Both accomplished & very self-directed in their fields. But they had the same lament: the unrequited yearning for basic human physical contact (not necessarily sexual). They were surrounded by people everywhere, but life's circumstances had mandated that those people be forever out of their reach. They were Untouchables in any social milieu (esp. the gay one in the wheelchair...he'd have been much better off as a lesbian).

    I can't help agree with Jack's cynicism tho. Functional and well-adjusted adults shouldn't have difficulty finding "cuddle partners" through regular social intercourse. Adopting self-infantilizing juvenile behaviour as a foil or social lubricant in order to access human contact is dysfunctional (sorry for my judgmentalism) - Sooner or later poor Betty-Boop is going to get a eye-opening shock when reality intrudes in the form of a Big Nasty Boner.

    Then again, who am I to judge. I went to a mass "cuddle party" before. It was the Black & Blue circuit party. 10,000 shirtless gay men on ecstacy and crystal meth dancing in Montreal Stadium. There's a point where unreality and reality collide, and it ain't pretty. I'm glad I outgrew my "cuddle party" phase, thank you very much.

    Good article tho. Novel topic.

  • mjf

    5 years ago

    Seems like a sanitized version of the encounter groups from the sixties.
    Am I the only one to detect an element of puritanism and risk avoidance here? Sort of having your cake without eating it?

  • nightbloom

    5 years ago

    Not sure about puritanism...arrested development maybe...?

    I have a friend who thinks we're actually frustrated Bonobo Chimpanzees. All we have to do is get back in touch with the Bonobo-within and world peace will shortly follow...

  • Yammer

    5 years ago

    Not a bad idea to access the bonobo. The puritanical religious hypocrite way has been tried for a while, it's workin' out REAL well.

  • nightbloom

    5 years ago

    It's a question of context though, Yammer.

    I'm all about cuddling & expanded horizons.

    Sure, let's shed some of our inculturated Anglo-Saxon (Norman, actually) anal-retentiveness. But please, do make sure you tighten that sphincter up again before you head out the door into public.

  • nightbloom

    5 years ago

    ...then again, maybe I'm just a curmudgeon. If the kids wanna cuddle, let them ;-)

  • beer4mepleeze

    5 years ago

    years ago a buddy of mine described these people to a tee

    they are the people you dont want in your life for any reason ,hugglies,the ugglies that want to get into your life anyway they can and invent all kinds of touchy ,feely,crap,nonsense and they usually like to start with hugging.

    you can recognise the bad breath from a mile away
    and you don't have to be ugly to be a huggly,just being dysfunctional and bad hygene puts the prettiest in the huggly group

  • aalborg

    5 years ago

    Talk about a tiny little first world problem. For god's sake, can it get any dumber out there? Cuddle parties? This is so beyond pathetic I can't find words. The world is falling apart and there are so many important issues that need to be addressed. If these "cuddlers" want to feel connected why don't they volunteer to do something constructive to help society. They might find more meaning in their lives if they practice acts of kindness. Support a child in the third world. Something that is not so all-about-me.

    Why isn't the Tyee putting up some articles about the PM denying citizens their right to know what is going on with government. The secret nature of Harper and his MP's in regards to the press would be a heck of a lot more interesting than a bunch of oh-so-needy/sad cuddlers who need to get lives.

  • nightbloom

    5 years ago

    Now, aalborg, I think you need a hug...

  • G West

    5 years ago

    aalborg
    You mean something like this: from the National Post, of all places:

    Quote:
    The new Conservative government is operating on the assumption that if people don't know what it's doing, they won't know what it's doing wrong.

    It is against this backdrop that the government yesterday broke the time-honoured tradition of notifying the media when Cabinet is set to convene. Providing advance notice enabled reporters to ambush ministers when they emerged from the Cabinet room on the third floor of Parliament's Centre Block. Under the new policy ministers may make themselves available if they choose, or duck out quietly if they don't.

    ...

    The Prime Minister's Office has argued that banning reporters from gathering outside the Cabinet room is for their own good. Sandra Buckler, Stephen Harper's new director of communications, told the Press Gallery's executive last week: "We worry about the media. It's very crowded. It's chaotic. It's mayhem. It's not focused, and I think this government is very keen to provide access in a way that is safe."

    If these really are its concerns, the PMO might want to rethink the great Secret Cabinet Meeting experiment. Word of yesterday's gathering quickly leaked and reporters were covering all the exits by the time the ministers started scuttling toward them.

    David Emerson, the International Trade Minister, emerged with Jim Flaherty, the Finance Minister. In the true spirit of Cabinet solidarity, Mr. Emerson headed down the nearest staircase, leaving Mr. Flaherty to his fate. The Finance Minister was cornered by a crush of journalists, but he sprinted from the House, mouthing platitudes.

    Josee Verner, the Minister for Official Languages, spotted the waiting throng and was off across the foyer of the House. Unfortunately, as seasoned parliamentarians know, the elevator that could have whisked her to safety is powered by an ancient donkey that lives in the bowels of the House. The elevator duly failed to appear and she was swallowed beneath a bank of cameras. It was crowded. It was chaotic. It was mayhem.

    Order was restored for the appearance of the Prime Minister, who was there to clarify anything his ministers might have been misguided enough to say. House of Commons security staff prowled about, like sheepdogs, ready to nip anyone who stepped out of line.

    ...

    Of course, this is not really about media safety. It's all about the Prime Minister wanting to control everything his government says and dictate who says it. That and sticking it to a Press Gallery he blames for losing him the 2004 election.

    Journalists, aware that most people already think they are semi-literate, vindictive whiners, will now proceed to confirm that prejudice by spearing Mr. Harper at every opportunity.

    Will that get you started, gotta go.

  • Coyote

    5 years ago

    Quote:
    "Need to be touched? Go ride the skytrain at around 4:30 in the afternoon - plenty of human contact. Mostly non-sexual." Reuben.

    Good one, Reuben. Or any inbound Hastings bus in the AM, or outgoing starting about 1500.

    Must admit having some difficulty relating to this article, married to a cuddling nympho such as I am 8-D lol-, though eh, understanding there are folks who come out of all kinds of "starved" backgrounds.

    Okay, okay, she's reading over my shoulder again, and insists that I make it clear, nobody likes to cuddle 'n smooch more than me.

    Women!

    Happy, now that you've embarrassed me? :-)

  • Chris H

    5 years ago

    Looks like they found an easy way to exclude the unattractive: "I said no to everybody who asked me to cuddle and I only cuddled with people I asked."

    Not much different than any other singles event I'm guessing. LOL!

  • aalborg

    5 years ago

    Thanks Nightbloom, but I'll skip the hug! :)

    That is exactly what I mean G West. Thanks for the quote. They don't sell the NP here and I can only buy The Sun or Province. I am thankful for the internet here in the boonies.

  • Percy

    5 years ago

    People who want to sell you intimacy are like people who want to sell you religion. No thanks.

  • nightbloom

    5 years ago

    That's a smart little observation, Percy.

    I'll resist the temptation to type a long interpretive post, and just let it stand on its own. I think people get it.

  • Steve P

    5 years ago

    I can understand the need for non-sexual human contact, although I find the idea of cuddle parties to, um, not be my taste =^)

    My ideas:

    1) Shiatsu or other massage classes

    Pretty well everybody loves massage, and taking a class allows you to give & receive many massages without the massage having to be all yucky and affectionate with strangers. To satisfy aalborg's critique, offering massage to friends & family allows you to do something genuinely kind & helpful.

    2) Martial arts

    It sounds weird, but great friendships are made in martial arts classes. There is something intimate, although not exactly cuddly and affectionate, about the human contact through wrestling, boxing, etc. =^)

  • haraldkann

    5 years ago

    steve p ,cannot agree more on your thoughts...

    martial arts,condone proper touching...you are in control and admit those of equal equilibrium into your sphere of accepptance...

    every CHILD should be taught...by their own family what is...their responsibility in this world .

  • Mkitty

    5 years ago

    OMG...I agree with some of the earlier posters...ride a train, heck, go dancing on a crowded dance floor..you will get plenty of contact. But, hell, give me sex any day..thank you very much...

  • Just me

    5 years ago

    When I was in my teens I was swept up in a movement unlike anything I had experienced. People started hugging each other. You'd meet a friend or group of friends and — instead of shaking your hand like our parents used to do — everyone in turn would hug everyone else. You could meet a buddy and his girlfriend and hug them both and get away with it. What a revolution! For a few weeks it was awkward, then it was just as awkward not to hug. Pretty soon people would greet each other with a hug and maybe the greeting "peace" and pretty soon peace became a big social and political priority. That was the "summer of love" and while many dreams of those days have evaporated people of my generation mostly still greet each other with a hug. Yes, paying to cuddle seems sad. The need to be touched, however, is basic. Admitting to the need is a good first step. I've never charged for a hug in my life.

  • Skookum1

    5 years ago

    Quote:
    every CHILD should be taught...by their own family what is...their responsibility in this world .

    Thinking like that is what's made everyone so sketchy these days; fear of other people, period. The dictum/attitude in what's quoted is the cause of many a ruined personality, and of lives where refuge was sought in drugs or other so-called "escapes" because the family, in whichever case, was so screwed up about being "taught...what is...their RESPONSIBILITY"

    But what if the people touching are all screwed up themselves? Which, if they have attitudes like those in the quote, they probably are? Exactly what kind of responsibility? Compassion? Charity? Mercy? Or JUDGEMENT of others? "This is bad, that is good, and if you think anything else you'll go to hell, OK?"

    "Responsibility" in the quote sounds all too much like a codeword for "repression". I've seen a whole generation of un-touched, un-touching post-adolescents who are so completely screwed up that they think even handshakes have sexual overtones. Completely screwed up - because their parents were taking "responsibility" in teaching them to fear and suspect ANYONE and to resent and distrust touching most of all.

  • Skookum1

    5 years ago

    Quote:
    But what if the people touching are all screwed up themselves?

    Syntactical typo; didn't mean that; more like" it's more like what if the people carping about safe vs unsafe touching are all screwed up themselves?"

  • haraldkann

    5 years ago

    EXCELLENT POST ...SKOOKUM !
    now, how about we all get on the same page.

    that way,ALL OF OUR CHILREN WILL KNOW WHAT THE PARAMETERS ARE.

    Every day,we do not teach our chilren well, is a lost GENERATION.

    been there , done that ,it will not happen to mine...

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