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Arts and Culture
Music

You Thought Miley Cyrus Was Bad?

Brooke Candy is coming to teach your kids all about promiscuous sex.

Michael Mann 29 Aug 2013TheTyee.ca

Michael Mann is a freelance editor and writer. He enjoys Jack Daniels, Neck Face and sadistically violent horror movies. You can stalk him through his website or Twitter.
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Brooke Candy: "Hi mom!"

Brooke Candy's music is pretty much unlistenable, but who cares, really? Think of her as a hybrid of Yo-Landi Vi$$er from Die Antwoord, the giant tit from Woody Allen's Everything You Always Wanted to Know About Sex, and Midnite from Union Jacks. (That's a strip club in Portland. I think we really connected.) If Miley Cyrus's performance at the VMAs rocked you to your very core, you're probably a lonely, alienated whiner who is so desperate for attention that you actively seek out stuff to be offended about. So take a moment to watch the video for Brooke Candy's "Das Me" and enjoy.

OK, take a few deep breaths because here comes the real kicker: the Los Angeleno rapper is coming to Vancouver to teach your daughters and curiously flamboyant sons all about promiscuous sex this Friday night. Your only hope is if customs officers know how to use Google, watch "Das Me," and deny her ass -- which is playfully decorated with a pot leaf tattoo -- entry into the country.

The Freaky Princess first did a number on everyone's male gaze in Grimes's video for "Genesis." Sporting a sword, multicoloured cornrows and metallic bikini armor, she was basically every Comic-Con nerd's wet dream. Meanwhile, the rest of us were thinking "Holy shit, look at the freak. Look at her!"

Following that, the self-proclaimed super bitch did what any sensible ex-stripper who made a cameo in a viral video would: she parlayed her notoriety into a solo career as a foul-mouthed rapper. Thus joining a revered list of strippers -- Eve, Lady Gaga, Kathleen Hanna, Courtney Love, and Beth Ditto -- who made a transition from the ballet to music.

The daughter of a bigwig at Hustler, which likely means her mom is a modest schoolmarm, Brooke Candy somehow got it into her head that fucking indiscriminately is an empowering act. Armed with that outrageous ideal, impeccable style and slick videos, she's become a role model for every self-identifying slut with a Tumblr account and strong opinions about the commodification of seapunk.

Terrifyingly, if she can get all the dudes and hoes in attendance to wiggle and jiggle their respective dicks and tits like she commands in "Das Me," Brooke Candy may actually have some staying power in music. An innate gift for producing terrific videos coupled with a devastating live show is why we're still talking about Die Antwoord, after all.

Let's be real for a moment, though: we'll be lucky if we get a 20-minute-long performance and it'll probably be terrible. However, it's near impossible to find a decent circus sideshow these days. While this one will cost slightly more than two bits to come have a gander, it'll cost you significantly less than the last time I went to Union Jacks.

Addendum: If you find yourself in Portland, would you mind telling Midnite that I miss her and I'm coming back to see her soon?

Brooke Candy comes to Fortune Sound Club on Friday (August 30.) [Tyee]

Read more: Music

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