Milking the Election Cow

We freelancers try to stay attuned to money-making opportunities. Here's one for the next federal election.

Let's launch an organization called the None-of-the-Above Party. We will ask citizens whose family names begin with the letter Z to stand for election. (This is a group notorious for enduring daily humiliations in school, at work, wherever alphabetical tyranny runs unchecked. I bet they'll be tickled to be asked.)

Perhaps we can even get Liberal MP Paul Zed to cross the floor of the house to sit as a None-of-the-Above independent. Failing that, we'll have to dig deep into the Saint John, N.B., phonebook to find a candidate whose name follows Zed's.

We need a candidate on the bottom of the ballot in all 308 ridings. That's a lot of Zee- and Zed-people with a new-found purpose in life. They don't even need to live in the riding in which they stand, nor do they have to campaign. In fact, I would discourage it. All they have to do is post their $1,000 deposit with Elections Canada. Not having a campaign to run, they won't have any expenses. That makes for a simple Candidate's Electoral Campaign Return (EC 20120) and a return of the full deposit within a few weeks.

With the name None-of-the-Above Party on the bottom of the ballot in all 308 constituencies, voters will have a better chance to express their true feelings than in 39 previous federal elections.

And here's the beauty part.

Each vote cast for our new party will generate $1.75 in federal funding. Let's say the party wins an average of 500 votes in each riding. That's a conservative estimate considering wack-job Christian Heritage Party leader Ron ("Homosexuality is a treatable illness") Grey got 935 votes. Even Marxist-Lunatics get 100 votes each. So, 500 votes X (times) 308 ridings X (times) $1.75 from the public coffers = (equals) $269,500.

That should nicely cover the salary of a party leader - like me, for example - for the four years until the next election. Thank you very much. Please come again.

Tom Hawthorn is a Victoria-based journalist.