Please Advise! How Did the G7 Leaders Dodge Border Controls?

[Editor’s note: Steve Burgess is an accredited spin doctor with a PhD in Centrifugal Rhetoric from the University of SASE, situated on the lovely campus of PO Box 7650, Cayman Islands. In this space he dispenses PR advice to politicians, the rich and famous, the troubled and well-heeled, the wealthy and gullible.]

Dear Dr. Steve,

The G7 summit is happening in Kananaskis, Alberta. What do you expect from the meeting?

Signed,

Stampeder

Dear Stamp,

The G7 summit is a big event with a big-name cast. There's been some controversy about the presence of leaders whose actions have been contrary to Canadian interests. But since the event is in Alberta, it would be hard to exclude Danielle Smith.

Indian Prime Minister Narendra Modi was invited, despite his government being accused of involvement in the 2023 murder of Sikh Canadian activist Hardeep Singh Nijjar. In fairness, Modi has probably offered assurances that he will not be murdering any more Canadians during his visit. They will likely give him plastic cutlery though, just to be safe.

Murder buddy Mohammed bin Salman of Saudi Arabia was also invited but declined to attend. Considering his role facilitating the 2018 assassination and dismemberment of journalist Jamal Khashoggi with a bone saw, that's a relief for journalists and a disappointment for the local Home Hardware. Bin Salman likely had no interest in visiting oil-rich competitor Alberta anyway. The Burger King doesn't play pickleball with Mayor McCheese.

America's Burger King showed up, though. Not since William III has the world seen a sovereign so orange. Like it or not, Canadians are getting a closer look at Donald Trump's weirdly apricot-tinted countenance, which always looks like his golden dome has sprung a leak. Fresh from last weekend's massive “No Kings” demonstrations across the United States, Trump has landed in a country where the same cannot be said. If only Prime Minister Mark Carney had greeted the U.S. president dressed up like a French knight and said, “We already got one!” But it seems nobody likes to have fun anymore.

This happens to be the 51st G7 summit. Awkward, as 51 is a number no one wants to mention when Trump is listening. Hopefully the summit is not being catered by Boston Pizza, which would really give Trump ideas. Every large pepperoni and mushroom would come with a 100 per cent name tariff. Some scamp in the Prime Minister’s Office ought to arrange for a big lunch delivery from Taco Bell. But again, no sense of fun.

On Monday Trump said that excluding Russia from the G7 in 2014 after it invaded Crimea was a mistake. The man has a point. If you're going to invite would-be tyrants and murderers and people who order opponents to be hacked up with saws, why exclude a successful tyrant who murders a few more people and wants to hack up a country? Hypocritical.

Besides, Trump must be upset to have to sit down with a bunch of people who haven't even forked out a million bucks each for Trump crypto. He's the first coin-operated president, paying off with sweetheart deals or pardons or ambassadorships. Trump won't drop the tariffs unless he sees his ugly gold sneakers at a Calgary Foot Locker.

This G7 brings a sketchy bunch together. If you saw these people hanging around in front of the 7-Eleven you'd stay in the car and keep driving.

But as many noted politicians have said, people have friends, nations have interests. It is necessary to look beyond particular concerns, even serious ones like felony convictions and state-sponsored assassination, to take the wider view. That's why it is such a bummer when fanatics and psychopaths get themselves elected — you simply can't get away with tasing them anymore.

Let's just hope the whole event wraps up before Premier Smith can finish sewing 51 stars on that souvenir flag. You have to admit, Alberta would make one hell of a parting gift.