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Please Advise! How about That New Pope?

He’s an American who gave heck to JD Vance. Is this Leo a lion?

Steve Burgess 9 May 2025The Tyee

Steve Burgess writes about politics and culture for The Tyee. Read his previous articles.

[Editor’s note: Steve Burgess is an accredited spin doctor with a PhD in Centrifugal Rhetoric from the University of SASE, situated on the lovely campus of PO Box 7650, Cayman Islands. In this space he dispenses PR advice to politicians, the rich and famous, the troubled and well-heeled, the wealthy and gullible.]

Dear Dr. Steve,

There is a new pope — Robert Prevost, a Chicago-born cardinal who has been based in Peru and will be known as Pope Leo XIV.

What will be the effects of the world's first American pope?

Signed,

Papa

Dear Pops,

The white smoke appeared from the Sistine Chapel chimney Thursday evening and the world waited, either for the revelation of a new pope or the apologies of a Vatican maintenance man who was just trying to burn some grass clippings from the lawn. Some no doubt grumbled that if Pete Hegseth were in charge, we'd already know the answer.

Then came word the new pope was American. A shudder of horror must surely have run through St. Peter's Square. Was this a new pope who would instantly announce huge tariffs against Buddhism? Would the new pope rename St. Peter's the “Square of America”? Would the new pope say, “I think the good parts of the Catholic Church are from me, and the bad parts are Joe Biden?”

Happily, the American in question was not someone who had posted AI images of himself in a pope outfit or wants to replace the popemobile with a Cybertruck. He is Robert Prevost, born in Chicago but with a diocese in the Peruvian city of Chiclayo.

A Chicago-born pope presents issues. How will the Vatican respond to deep-dish pizza in the commissary? That is considered blasphemy, even in New York. Will the cardinals be renamed the Cubs? Will red hats be replaced by White Sox?

Donald Trump immediately said having an American pope was great. Maybe he hadn't heard that the guy comes from Barack Obama's hometown. And perhaps Trump hadn't heard that the new pope has criticized his immigration policies, or that when alleged pope slayer JD Vance offered his opinion that God demands a hierarchy of love, Bishop Prevost took to social media, posting, “JD Vance is wrong: Jesus doesn't ask us to rank our love for others.”

Perhaps Trump was unaware that Prevost has been based in Peru for decades, or that Vatican observers suggest he gained the papacy by essentially winning the Latin American primary, sweeping the support of the large bloc of Spanish-speaking cardinals. Once Trump figures it out, expect massive tariffs on communion wafers.

Many Vatican observers say this new pontiff is remarkably young. He is 69. They do say the cassock takes off 10 years but still — how many gigs have 69-year-old rookies? Even Gordie Howe didn't stay in the league that long. Nevertheless, the new pontiff will probably need to keep his elbows up. The first American pope could well prove a strong contrast to the current crop of American Republican leaders. Unlike the heads running that other religion, he wears a white hat.  [Tyee]

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