Please Advise! Burning Questions about the Brisbane Olympics

[Editor’s note: Steve Burgess is an accredited spin doctor with a PhD in Centrifugal Rhetoric from the University of SASE, situated on the lovely campus of PO Box 7650, Cayman Islands. In this space he dispenses PR advice to politicians, the rich and famous, the troubled and well-heeled, the wealthy and gullible.]

Dear Dr. Steve,

The Tokyo Olympics have been going about as smoothly as a Green party mixer. Nonetheless, the IOC just announced that the 2032 Summer Olympics will be held in Brisbane, Australia. What do you foresee for that event?

Signed,

Ringer

Dear Ringer,

Brisbane 2032 is closer than you think! And here are some of the events you can watch, assuming your raft gets a satellite signal or you’re one of the lucky few with a room at the Elon Musk Orbital Hilton.

Flaming Koala Toss

By 2032, this skill will be so widespread Down Under that its recognition as a competitive sport will only be natural. Athletes will shinny up smouldering eucalyptus trees to grab imperilled koalas and throw them to safety. Points lost for visible singeing. Half points awarded for a wallaby. Disqualification for a fatal brown snake bite.

100- and 200-Minute Stand

Start the clock aaaand... stand. Last vertical competitor wins. Placed around the happy winners’ necks, the gold medals will look striking on that bright red background.

Egg Fry

Cracking a raw egg on a metal plate, athletes will compete in over-easy, sunny-side-up, and scrambled categories. The gruelling trieggathon features an egg-and-spoon marathon in which the eggs will hard boil in human sweat.

Swimming Events

Essentially the same as the running events, distinguishable only by the swimsuits that athletes will wear as they run laps around the bottom of the dry pool. By this time diving events will have been cancelled following the 2028 epidemic of skull fractures.

Rowing

If you think it’s tough now, try it in gravel.

Target Dropping

Competitors will fly bombers over wildfires and drop flame retardant, with a scoring system similar to curling. (Curling, a Winter Olympic sport, now also incorporates elements of water polo.)

Relay Event

Teams will run along a marked track leading to a protective bunker while passing canned goods and containers of potable water and battling hungry dingoes.

1,500-Metre Mad Max Fury Road Race

Scrounging gasoline while fashioning crude weapons and makeshift armour are key. Style points for flame-throwing guitars.

Science Gymnastics

Gold, silver and bronze to the competitors who best perform the incredible feats of twisting and contortion necessary to deny that anything unusual is happening to the climate.

Fencing

Athletes will parry and thrust with media and Twitter trolls. Former White House spokesperson Jen Psaki remains undefeated in this event.

Wrestling

Athletes will struggle with the ethics of staging huge expensive spectacles run by a corrupt organization in an era of dwindling resources and perpetual crisis. Points awarded for plausible justifications, deducted for weeping and other displays of abject despair.