Please Advise! Why Hasn't Postmedia Bought the Tyee Yet?

[Editor's note: Steve Burgess is an accredited spin doctor with a Ph.D in Centrifugal Rhetoric from the University of SASE, situated on the lovely campus of PO Box 7650, Cayman Islands. In this space he dispenses PR advice to politicians, the rich and famous, the troubled and well-heeled, the wealthy and gullible.]

Dear Dr. Steve,

Recently it was revealed that Postmedia corporation has purchased 175 of Quebecor's English-language newspapers, specialty publications and digital properties, including the Sun newspaper chain, for $316 million. Canadian media have already been suffering from a high degree of concentration, as Vancouver newspaper readers have long known. In light of this new takeover, what is the future of independent Canadian journalism?

Signed,

Concerned Newshound

Dear Dawg,

I am so glad you brought this up. It's a subject we've been meaning to discuss and this is as good a time as any.

The Tyee has spent over a decade carrying the banner for independent journalism on the West Coast. And boy, are our arms tired. But we had faith in the process. We had a goal. We knew that if we continued to build up equity (that's you, dear readers) we would eventually become a juicy takeover target. Whether in retailing, the tech sector, or the media, the modern business plan involves getting noticed so you can get paid. Our failed attempt to land a spot on Dragon's Den was a setback, to be sure. Yet we persevered. And now at last after all that tedious investigating, documenting, and reporting, the payoff has come. We have cashed out. Terms of our obscene jackpot have not been disclosed.

While I am not at liberty to confirm the identity of our new corporate masters, I can confirm that they are sinister-looking dudes who are always lit from below and tend to say things like "Seize them!" and "Little pigs! Little pigs! Let me come in!" Decent blokes, really.

The Tyee takeover is part of a perfectly natural process which was perhaps described in the educational film Invasion of the Body Snatchers (1978 version -- not the original with that phony happy ending. The Army isn't coming to save you).

With our base in Vancouver, readers have often wondered why The Tyee is not owned by the same company that owns both major dailies plus the National Post (and now 24 Hours, pending regulatory approval). Readers have complained that keeping track of different independent media organizations is confusing. We heard you. And we've made things simpler.

So now we hang up the shingle of new management. Be assured, Newshound, that The Tyee will continue to be your number one source for online news -- assuming you take the appropriate steps to adjust your priorities.

As displayed on our current logo, The Tyee's slogan is "News. Culture. Solutions." Watch that space. Soon we'll be unveiling our redesign. The new slogan: "Turn That Frown Upside Down!" The new logo: Otters holding hands.

Otters holding hands will be a major aspect of Tyee coverage going forward. Investigative reporting will continue to be our speciality, but perhaps more along the lines of investigating the desire of kittens to stuff themselves into small boxes and investigating who the hell Gwyneth Paltrow thinks she is. Breaking news about a celebrity death will appear first on The Tyee. Then follow The Tyee for the first reports that the celebrity death report was a hoax. Beloved entertainer Betty White, six feet under and then back on top -- all in a day's reporting at the new Tyee!

We'll continue to cover environmental issues but with more positive news like this actual story about a fracking company creating pink drill bits to support breast cancer. And we will continue to ask tough questions about current issues, such as the need for a giant electrical fence to keep out illegal immigrants carrying Ebola. Our up-to-the-moment political coverage will let you know who Nicki Minaj is feuding with this week while our science features provide you with the latest breakthroughs on three-breasted women and details on whether Hello Kitty! is in fact a cat.

Not so much Canadian stuff but we will still feature plenty of Justin Trudeau photos. They test well.

At The Tyee, readers are our major concern. After all, it was leveraging our readership figures that put us all on Easy Street. And in future our focus will continue to be on exploiting you, the audience, to achieve marketing synergy with our key sponsors. God bless you. And if you have any questions about how this will affect the local media landscape, please look at this.