In order to begin construction of the Northern Gateway pipeline, which terminates in my hometown of Kitimat, B.C. Premier Christy Clark has five conditions while the National Energy Board's Joint Review Panel has 209. But why stop there? I've come up with my own 30 conditions for both official and unofficial pipeline proponents to meet before shovels hit the ground. Got any more? Add them to the comment thread below.
1. Admit the Joint Review Panel for the pipeline was as culturally sensitive to First Nations as a hipster wearing a neon headdress and Speedos to a pow wow.
2. Apologize to David Suzuki. Dudes, you drove the Yoda of environmentalism out of his own foundation. Darth Vader's theme should play when you enter a room.
3. Convert at least half of Alberta to veganism. If we're going to give up salmon, by gum, they're going to give up meat.
4. A number of First Nations were offered up to $240,000/year so the pipeline could cross their territory. We'll accept this if Enbridge execs agree to freeze their pay at $240,000/year.
5. Play Big Brother: Gateway Edition, where Enbridge execs, Conservative Party MPs and one from the PMO live together at Unist'ot'en camp, along with First Nations, environmentalists and Mike Duffy.
6. Hug Neil Young like he's your brother and listen to "Harvest Moon" every night before you go to bed.
7. Put the North Pacific humpback whale back on the endangered species list. Or, PR-wise, you might as well go out on the ice and club a baby seal.
8. Re-hire all of the marine scientists you fired with triple back-pay. It's about the credibility of your tanker safety claims, guys. Cre-da-bi-li-ty.
9. Re-open Kitsilano Coast Guard. With more tankers, shouldn't we have more people monitor marine traffic and respond to emergencies? Not less?
10. Have Prime Minister Stephen Harper participate in the World Pride in Toronto wearing exactly the same outfits he wears to the Calgary Stampede.
11. Read my Canadian Law for Dummies. Did you know Canada has a legislative process? Re-writing laws with omnibus budget bills is apparently not part of it.
12. Appoint Marc Emery to the Senate.
13. Re-route supertankers far away from the Great Bear Rainforest. Is there no puppy you guys won't kick? Come on man, Spirit Bears!
14. Have Justice Minister Peter McKay participate in an Intervention-type show with 20 female lawyers chosen by Chief Justice Beverley McLachlin.
15. We'll agree Northern Gateway is good for the Canadian economy if you'll agree Alberta's oil patch was better managed under Trudeau's National Energy Program.
16. Enbridge's net income in 2010 was C$1.255 billion. First Nations in northern B.C. have an average unemployment rate of 35 per cent. Explain.
17. For a party running on a job creation platform, the federal Conservatives sure fire a lot of people. Stop decimating the civil service to pay back money spent on F-35s.
18. List all the rivers and streams the Northern Gateway pipeline crosses and match them with the appropriate species-at-risk.
19. Name one island in the Douglas Channel.
20. Pinkie-swear that the Temporary Foreign Worker Program won't be used in the construction of the pipeline.
21. Invite Darryl Hannah to tour the tar sands in a Hummer.
22. Have Veterans Affairs Minister Julian Fantino invite vets into his home, feed them a nice dinner and listen politely while they discuss their concerns.
23. Declare May 1 CBC Day.
24. Have Harper hold one press conference with non-Sun Media journalists. If that's too intimidating, we'll accept an interview with Entertainment Tonight.
25. Have the JIG, CSIS & CSEC agents monitoring my Facebook page agree to be my tech support.
26. Resurrect Franz Kafka so he can write about the way the Canadian tax system is used to keep environmental NGOs, and, ironically enough, PEN Canada in audit hell.
27. Stop marking your friendly Indians with blue dots. I know we all look alike, but come on.
28. Have Amnesty International monitor cancer rates in First Nations downstream from the tar sands.
29. Have the United Nations send observers to monitor the 2015 elections *cough* robocalls *cough* Fair Elections Act.
30. Talk to the people of British Columbia like we're your neighbours, not flaky terrorists impeding your manifest destiny. If this is the way you deal with people in the oilpatch, you can stay there.
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