Opinion

Let Mitt Be Mitt!

Who says that secret video is a problem slip? Romney's finally free to let it rip.

By Steve Burgess 19 Sep 2012 | TheTyee.ca

Steve Burgess remains an undecided swing voter.

image atom
Who wants to see my tattoo?

Mitt Romney, we had you all wrong. You are not the wishy-washy, Etch-a-Sketching flip-flopper we suspected. In the now-famous leaked video of his speech to wealthy donors Romney declared that he is writing off the 47 per cent of Americans who pay no federal tax and, he claims, see themselves as victims. He also said he'd have a better chance as a Latino candidate and that Palestinians don't want peace.

Strategically it's a brilliant move by Romney to deflect attention away from his tax returns. But more importantly Romney's remarks are a long-awaited breath of fresh air. If there is one thing that voters consistently repeat it's that they want honesty from politicians. Now they're getting it at last. And from here on Mitt is going to give it to 'em straight. You want honesty? Romney is going to start wearing his magic underwear outside his pants. His new campaign song will be Pink Floyd's Money. Check out what else Honest Mitt has in store:

Baby-slapping

Enough with the baby-kissing on the campaign trail. It only encourages them. Babies exist in a culture of dependency. It's a cradle-to-cradle welfare state for those tit-sucking parasites. Someone has to knock some self-respect into the little socialists and Mitt is the candidate to do it.

Cabinet

No more subterfuge -- the future President Romney can now unveil his White House inner circle. Treasury Secretary Donald Trump will roll out the most incredible fiscal policy in history -- the U.S. dollar is going to be huge. HUGE. Meanwhile Secretary of State Herman Cain won't be able to find Libya on a map, which should keep America out of a heap of trouble. Not that U.N. Ambassador Ted Nugent will really give a shit. Most exciting of all, Attorney General Joe Arpaio will be pleased to announce new laws permitting the carrying of concealed weapons during Supreme Court deliberations. And not to worry friends -- Sheriff Joe will still rassle border Mexicans. But now just for fun.

Foreign and Inter-Galactic Affairs

Judging by the box office numbers a lot of liberals enjoyed seeing the military get its ass kicked on Pandora. That's all over. A Romney administration will ensure America never again suffers defeat at the slimy blue hands of the perfidious Na'vi. With Mitt writing the sequels, "Unobtainium" is about to become "ThanksWeGotPlentium."

Social Assistance

Good news, America! Under President Romney 47 per cent of you will be eligible for a new government program he's calling "Soylent Green." For information please go to the processing facility nearest you.

Stimulus Plan

Forget about budget-busting government stimulus programs -- Mitt Romney, in partnership with his friends Charles and David Koch, has a plan to put money in the hands of regular, small-town, parasitic Americans right now. $12.50 for every vote. No ID required.

Sports and Leisure

Vice President Ryan's marathon time will be whatever he goddamn well says it is.

Mitt Wear

Even in public office Mitt will always have time for private enterprise. Romney's next leaked video will introduce the new Mitt De Vil fashion line featuring the luxurious feel of real Dalmatian. It's 101 per cent guaranteed. Soft, plush "Mittens" (TM) available in black-and-white only.

Finally, Romney is expected to come clean about his "1%-er" tattoo. Apparently it has nothing to do with the Hell's Angels.  [Tyee]

Read more: Politics

Share this article

The Tyee is supported by readers like you

Join us and grow independent media in Canada

Get The Tyee in your inbox

LATEST STORIES

The Barometer

Which of B.C.’s proportional-representation options do you prefer?

Take this week's poll