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Lindros's Brain, Feenie's Flambé, Harper's Privy

And more Fast Rewind for November.

Mark Leiren-Young 4 Dec

Mark Leiren-Young is a screenwriter, playwright, journalist and disgruntled voter who is currently directing his first feature, The Green Chain. For more Mark check out his website.

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Beckham bending it.

Olympic organizers unveiled three new mascots inspired by local mythological creatures -- Bill Vander Zalm, David Emerson and a Canucks goalie who can pitch three straight shutouts.

Beckham checked in, B.C.'s finance minister chequed out and Vancouver's mayor checked his pulse.

The RCMP shocked the public and the public shocked the RCMP by taking videos. The Airbus flew back into the spotlight, Air Canada was grounded and Vancouver's airport security was insecure.

U.S. TV writers went on strike as the new U.S. TV season continued to strike out. Dan Rather arrived in the Downtown Eastside and the government would rather he didn't talk about it. CBC TV's documentary on the Falun Gong was gonged and so was Vancouver's Iron Chef.

A new survey shows that for 18-24 year olds Facebook is more popular than porn . . . which explains a lot of those explicit status updates.

And the Stanley Park seawall reopened just in time to turn into a snow fort. So let's check out what happened in November, before the RCMP shows up with the Tasers.

Mayor May Not?

Vancouver's next mayor, Carole Taylor, announced she's quitting provincial politics. The finance minister plans to kick off her red Guccis before moving back to city hall.

Mayor Sam Sullivan says he's not concerned about the other candidates lining up for his job because he knows he has the full support of his party. NPA leaders vow they'll give Sam all the support they gave to their previous incumbent, Flying Phil Owen, and are showing their love by retrofitting party headquarters with a new wheelchair exit.

And here's an amuse bouche for you . . . Feenie's is Feenieless. Vancouver's Iron Chef was ironed out of his own restaurants, which is ironic . . . and nothing to truffle with.

Gold Medal Violence

The chairman of the Vancouver Board of Trade is concerned about recent gun violence tarnishing our gold medal image before the Olympics. However, Olympic experts say the guns deaths are simply a sign that Vancouver's finally a "world class city."

The Vancouver Olympic Committee (VANAWK©) selected three mascots -- a sea bear, a sasquatch and a thunderbird. And you'd better love them, because they all have Tasers.

Beckham-mania hit Vancouver as the superstar soccer player no one in North America would ever have heard of if not for a cute kids' movie and his marriage to Silicone Spice arrived in B.C. and dazzled local crowds by doing absolutely nothing against the Vancouver Whitecaps. Who says soccer's not the best game in the world?


The Gratest Canadian©, un-indicted former prime minister, Brian Mulroney, claims that accepting $300,000 in cash from German-Canadian businessman Karlheinz Schreiber was, "the silliest thing" he'd ever done.... But Schreiber didn't have traveller's cheques.

The always-popular ex-prime minister says he's looking forward to the chance to clear his good name. Mulroney claimed the money was for -- and I'm quoting this from The New York Times, so please refer all lawsuits to them -- "helping Mr. Schreiber set up a pasta business in Ontario and an armored vehicle factory in Quebec, neither of which materialized."

And I totally believe him.

Prime Minister Steve boldly announced plans to appoint an "independent investigator" to explore any possible impropriety in the Airbus Affair a mere seven months after allegations were reported to the Privy Council. Steve claims he agreed to the investigation as soon as he got out of the privy.

Globe Warming to Prime Minister Steve

Prime Minister Steve got a chilly reception at an international global warming conference. Steve fought all "binding commitments" to meet climate change targets at the Commonwealth conference, explaining that the common wealth of Canada -- or at least the uncommon wealth of Albertans -- was best served if Canada avoided committing to doing anything.

The ReformaTories also refused to sign a United Nations resolution opposing the use of the death penalty. Steve explained he wants to leave all options open when dealing with the Airbus affair.

Thank you for choosing Air Canada

A computer glitch briefly delayed all Air Canada flights. Air Canada refused to comment on rumours that their system was thrown into chaos when the computers accidentally allowed someone to claim a flight with Aeroplan miles

Following a tense 25-second standoff at the Vancouver International Airport, four RCMP officers determined that the only way to subdue a confused, unarmed Polish immigrant was with a Taser -- which resulted in the man's death. Thanks to video footage shot by another passenger, the incident is being investigated in Canada and Poland. The RCMP claim they've already learned from the experience and that if this ever happens again they'll be sure to Taser the guy with the camera, too.

An American biomedical engineer claims that Tasers are as safe as Tylenol . . . and they sure can stop that headache.

And speaking of headaches...

Hockey hero Eric "Not quite the next one" Lindros retired after 13 NHL seasons and about that many concussions. Lindros finally read the writing on the wall after realizing he was getting a headache every time he tried to read the writing on the wall.

The B.C. Supreme Court decreed that the government has no place in the swimming pools of our nation and will allow skinny-dipping at Surrey's Newton Wave Pool. The court declared, "you no longer have to wear even a fig leaf in Newton." Okay, maybe I'm paraphrasing.

And speaking of getting naked...

People Magazine named Matt Damon "the sexiest man alive" . . . which means France can finally stop apologizing for Gerard Depardieu.

Lindsay Lohan spent 84 minutes in jail . . . which is several minutes longer than most audience members made it through her latest movie, I Know Who Killed Me.

And speaking of 'I Know Who Killed Me'. . .

OJ Simpson has been forced to stand trial for kidnapping after entering a plea of: "Not guilty, but if I did it, here's how I would have."

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