Please Advise! What Happened to Morgan Freeman’s Upcoming Announcements on SkyTrain?

Steve Burgess is an accredited spin doctor with a PhD in Centrifugal Rhetoric from the University of SASE, situated on the lovely campus of PO Box 7650, Cayman Islands. In this space he dispenses PR advice to politicians, the rich and famous, the troubled and well-heeled, the wealthy and gullible.

Dear Dr. Steve,

I was very pleased to hear Morgan Freeman was going to be doing SkyTrain announcements. Now he isn’t. What happened?

Signed,

Transitory

Dear Transitory,

Rarely has any public transit system moved so fast. No sooner had TransLink announced its plan to feature the beloved actor on a series of onboard transit announcements than news broke that 16 people were accusing Freeman of inappropriate onset behaviour. And poof, like Batman disappearing in mid-conversation, like Kevin Spacey vanishing from a film, Freeman’s announcements were gone.

As the Romans said: Sic Transit Gloria Mundi, which translates as “SkyTrain fame is fleeting.”

It could be worse — at least TransLink didn’t issue any Morgan Freeman commemorative coins.

Dr. Steve was as surprised as anybody. He had naively expected that the only possible problems with the project would be more mundane, such as Freeman going off on a tangent about penguins: “Penguins walk for miles over frozen ground through blizzards and ice storms, without food, to reach the sea... It won’t kill you to stand for a few more minutes.”

But perhaps we should have known. If Dr. Steve learned anything during his time at Trump University, it’s that celebrity projects and endorsements can go horribly wrong. (Even penguins make dicey mascots. Their behaviour can be pretty vile. A certain bank ought to reconsider its cute ads.) Years after the Cosby ads stopped running, consumers are still probably paying special attention to what exactly goes into Jello Pudding.

Freeman’s announcements were to be part of a campaign publicizing TransLink’s new credit card payment feature, with Freeman’s participation coming by way of his endorsement deal with Visa. Perhaps now TransLink could replace him with Trump lawyer Michael Cohen: “There are many different ways to make a payment — credit card, Compass card, funnelled through a third party...”

While they’re at it TransLink could hire White House press secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders to lie about which stop is coming: “The next station is Metrotown. Yes it is. No more questions.”

The fact that Freeman was basically acting as a representative for Visa certainly concerned some. Those commercial tie-ins might still prove to be part of a trend. The voice of George Clooney might herald the introduction of onboard Nespresso bars, which wouldn’t be so bad. But if you hear the voice of Gwyneth Paltrow, God only knows what it might mean.

Endorsement deals aside, celebrity transit voices could still become a thing. The right voice at the right time would work wonders. Some dude is man-spreading, somebody else is gnawing on a bucket of fried chicken, when the voice of Clint Eastwood rings out through the car: “It’s a hell of a thing, killing a man... you take away everything he’s got, and everything he’s ever gonna have...”

Frequent winter breakdowns caused by snow and ice on the tracks could be announced by Harrison Ford as Han Solo, yelling, “It’s not my fault!” Or perhaps just, “Hi, this is Amy Schumer, star of Trainwreck. I have an unfortunate announcement...”

Even before the Freeman revelations, there were grumblings that a local actor should have been given the TransLink job instead. After news of the allegations broke, Postmedia reporter Stephanie Ip suggested Vancouver-born Seth Rogen for the gig, and Rogen said he was game. Rename SkyTrain “The Pineapple Express” and we’re good to go. On the other hand, SkyTrain announcements from Ryan Reynolds as Deadpool could certainly backfire — maybe after 10 p.m. only. Canucks star Brock Boeser, though. If you want to boost ticket sales for something that might otherwise be considered an unpleasant experience, you want Brock Boeser.

Even if TransLink can’t afford the celebrity voices, movie themes might still be put to use for SkyTrain users. How about a voice yelling “Get out!” at every stop? Or perhaps, when technology allows for it, monsters that suddenly appear and devour anyone having loud phone conversations? “SkyTrain: A Quiet Place.” I think it could work.

With the recent announcement of a new $7.3 billion investment in SkyTrain and transit, these should be happy days for TransLink. They just need a new spokesperson. I would suggest Tom Hanks or the Dalai Lama. But only after thorough background checks.