Axe the Penny and the Twenty

This year marks the 100th birthday of the Canadian penny, and like a mean-spirited, bigoted old relative, some are trying to get rid of it. Citing a 2007 study by the Dejardins Group, NDP MP Pat Martin introduced legislation in April that would eliminate the penny for good. The basic argument: nothing, not even a single Swedish Berry candy, costs a penny on today's market. And we probably wouldn't even miss the penny, seeing as we've already relegated it to the nursing home of currency: the take-a-penny/leave-a-penny tray.

In short, it's high time to say a few comforting words to this old geezer, and pull the plug.

And while we're in the rare spirit of currency reform, I'd like to make another suggestion, something a bit more radical, but far more pressing: axe all these $20 bills. They're everywhere, they're unwieldy, and they simply don't work. This bill has enjoyed hegemonic reign over my wallet for far too long, and I'm calling for a coup.

Blame the ATM

The automated teller machine (ATM) has been instrumental in the $20 bill's rise to power, as automated banking now dominates cash withdrawal. Interac boasts that 86 per cent of Canadians have a banking card, and that 96 per cent of them have used an ATM. (Frankly, if you still use an in-branch teller withdrawal slip every time you need cash, I'm not entirely sure how you heard about the Internet.)

But accessibility comes at more than just a $1.50 service cost: ATMs strictly dispense $20 bills, a practice that has profoundly affected the modern cash transaction. No longer does a teller issue us manageable little piles of fives and 10s. I once heard rumour of an ATM that doled out small bills, but I've since become convinced it doesn't exist, except in dreams. Instead, it's all 20s, multiplying out of ATMs like brooms in Fantasia.

"So what's the big problem with 20s?" you ask. "Don't they make you feel like Mr. Moneybags?" Well, sure. But when was the last time you spent a 20 on a $20 item? If banks distribute certain denominations in order to maximize the efficiency of the common transaction, then what kind of spending habits does the ATM assume of us?

The 3 Cs of cash

By "common transaction," I mean the everyday stuff: coffee, candy bars, California rolls. Call me stingy, but rarely does a common transaction require a $20 bill. And anyway, cash is used in fewer and fewer transactions these days, surpassed by direct debit in 2001. For large purchases, as in purchases $20 and over, consumers turn to the plastic. So what business does the too-large $20 bill have in all my common transactions? The penny isn't worth enough to stay on the market, but the 20 is worth way too much.

Holding a $20 bill in your wallet is like holding the Queen of Spades in a game of Hearts: it's a serious liability. All day long, it'll present you with dilemmas. Picture yourself at the corner store: you're about to buy a pack of gum, but all you have are 20s. "Damn!" you think. "I'll have to break a 20. Now I'm going to have a bucket of change, even pennies! How I long for a five!" Or you'll find yourself purchasing frivolous items, like a single condom, simply for the sake of breaking a 20. Either way, the bill brings suffering.

And don't think retailers like it any better. When I worked a cash register, the 20 was the bane of my existence. Never were there enough perfectly spendable fives; the 10 passed through my life like a rare and noble bird; but the 20s kept coming -- one after the other in a green deluge of grotesque hugeness, sending me begging to the bank for small bills. Now, I feel pangs of guilt when I lay a 20 down on some hapless cashier.

I can't get no satisfaction

Nothing is more satisfying than exact change. It's the feeling of absolute completion, like a cigarette after sex, or a joint before your child's piano recital. But the 20 has robbed us of this simple pleasure, entangling us small-spenders in unnecessarily complex transactions. As a result, I value fives and 10s more highly than 20s. Whenever a 10 providentially lands in my wallet, I hold onto it strategically, so that I may deploy it later -- because I know the opportunity may not come again soon.

In a perfect world, fives and 10s would pack my wallet, exact change would reign supreme, and gum-drops would rain from the sky. Sure, a 20 would lurch along every now and then, just in time to buy the odd record or book, but it wouldn't be our central currency. It's just too big-boned to play with all our little items.

So abolish the penny, I agree. But first, we kill all the 20s.

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